sdiddy
Peer Supporter
I dont know where to start. I know this isnt therapy but Im sitting here alone on my couch and im crying. Im crying because the love of my life, my baby girl, my daughter, isnt here with me right now. I see her 3 days a week since the divorce. She is literally the only thing in my entire life that makes me sort of forget about my chronic pain. She fills my humble apartment with laughter and whimsy and absolute adorableness. Shes my soulmate, my everything. Being a father to her gave me purpose in life, gave me a joy I never thought possible.
But it also comes as a price. Loving someone this much makes it 10x harder on the days Im not with her. I long to hold her, protect her, kiss her and listen to her, but I cant on those days. An occasional text message is all I have (and even that is so meaningful it makes me smile everytime). My ex is a narcisstic psychopath. She has cost me 500k in attorney fees in the last 8 years, nearly every dollar I had spent a lifetime to save. Ive been asking for more custody time since january and my ex has been difficult and demanding and nearly a year later we havent made progress. Which means id have to go to court and spend another 30k or so and leave my future and my daughters future in the hands of some fat fuck judge that doesnt care or even read the briefs. Ive been through this enough times.
Sorry I digress. My pain has been worse this week. not only do I have all the hip join/TFL pain that is constant for 4 years, the last few months have added this new pain in the back of my legs and back of my knees, particularly when standing or walking. Its so bad that even a 10 minute walk for me is painful and probably my limit right now. This makes me want to cry. I was a healthy strong guy much of my life and at 48 I cant FUCKING WALK. Im just so angry and scared. And honestly so tired of a life like this that no one else I know seems to have to deal with.
My doctor referred me to a rheomotologist, neurologist, and vascular surgeon and ordered a lumbar and hip MRI. My last hip mri 4 years ago was bad. osteoarthritis, bursitis, labrum tear etc. This one will certainly be worse. Im scared. There are clealry two issues going on (hips and hip pain and now the nerve in the back of the legs). The doc says claudication/stenosis/etc for the new pain.
I think Im most scared because I dont believe this is all TMS. I want to. But its impossible, the amount of different issues and the fact that the MRI from 4 years ago was already bad. How can I sit here and claim TMS when they are saying I dont have cartilege? How can I sit here and say TMS when they say my lumbar nerve is being compressed? I dont get it. I want to. But I cant. So Im scared. Im scared my only option is invasive surgeries. That the next decade of my life will be hip replacement surgeries, back surgery, and more. Im so scared.
I want to be around to live. Be with my daughter, be there for her, dance with her. Take her to Japan, walk around her college campus with her. Im scared. I need a little support Im sorry but Im struggling pretty bad. I have lived most of my life in pain. And its torture and Im just SO FUCKING SICK OF IT. I want to scream like please god can I just have a day without pain????
But it also comes as a price. Loving someone this much makes it 10x harder on the days Im not with her. I long to hold her, protect her, kiss her and listen to her, but I cant on those days. An occasional text message is all I have (and even that is so meaningful it makes me smile everytime). My ex is a narcisstic psychopath. She has cost me 500k in attorney fees in the last 8 years, nearly every dollar I had spent a lifetime to save. Ive been asking for more custody time since january and my ex has been difficult and demanding and nearly a year later we havent made progress. Which means id have to go to court and spend another 30k or so and leave my future and my daughters future in the hands of some fat fuck judge that doesnt care or even read the briefs. Ive been through this enough times.
Sorry I digress. My pain has been worse this week. not only do I have all the hip join/TFL pain that is constant for 4 years, the last few months have added this new pain in the back of my legs and back of my knees, particularly when standing or walking. Its so bad that even a 10 minute walk for me is painful and probably my limit right now. This makes me want to cry. I was a healthy strong guy much of my life and at 48 I cant FUCKING WALK. Im just so angry and scared. And honestly so tired of a life like this that no one else I know seems to have to deal with.
My doctor referred me to a rheomotologist, neurologist, and vascular surgeon and ordered a lumbar and hip MRI. My last hip mri 4 years ago was bad. osteoarthritis, bursitis, labrum tear etc. This one will certainly be worse. Im scared. There are clealry two issues going on (hips and hip pain and now the nerve in the back of the legs). The doc says claudication/stenosis/etc for the new pain.
I think Im most scared because I dont believe this is all TMS. I want to. But its impossible, the amount of different issues and the fact that the MRI from 4 years ago was already bad. How can I sit here and claim TMS when they are saying I dont have cartilege? How can I sit here and say TMS when they say my lumbar nerve is being compressed? I dont get it. I want to. But I cant. So Im scared. Im scared my only option is invasive surgeries. That the next decade of my life will be hip replacement surgeries, back surgery, and more. Im so scared.
I want to be around to live. Be with my daughter, be there for her, dance with her. Take her to Japan, walk around her college campus with her. Im scared. I need a little support Im sorry but Im struggling pretty bad. I have lived most of my life in pain. And its torture and Im just SO FUCKING SICK OF IT. I want to scream like please god can I just have a day without pain????