Structural issue or TMS (life dissatisfaction)?

Hi all,

I'd love some advice please if I may?

9 years ago I hurt my lower back during a gym session and was in pain, after an MRI I was told that I had SI joint dysfunction, prior to that I'd also had knee arthroscopy as I'd hurt myself squatting whilst weightlifting.

I was seeing a chiropractor for adjustments as I felt my pelvis was 'out', my right hip locked, she kept readjusting me every few days but I kept reverting back, eventually she told me that she thought it might be something psychological keeping me stuck in a certain pattern and suggested counselling. I've had numerous counselling and coaching since then as I do suffer with anxiety and panic disorder which I did before and since but manage it better now.

At the time I had stopped all activity, but restarted when I first learned about TMS, to the point I rarely had pain in my back and could return to playing more impact sports such as badminton, I did do strengthening and stretching as well, and I thought this helped me purely from the point of feeling stronger and more confident. But I'm still in the same pattern on the right hand side of my body, face, neck, upper right back and shoulder, and hip, with extremely tight hamstrings, I'm not in pain this is chronic tightness, I do have pain in my right knee if I overdo it at badminton by lunging and twisting and if I feel tenser one day it impacts my knee more, I went back to see a physio (and other therapists) as I had to stop playing badminton again, and each time I'm told my glutes are weak and not firing and my hip flexor is so tight, that my knee takes the full force of my activity - I sit down all day which probably doesn't help, so then I go back to strengthening and it does help a little, enough to get me functional and deep tissue massage helps, but I don't rely on it for a cure. The problem is over 9 years on I'm still in this pattern, (I refuse to pay for any sort of treatment now), I can only describe it as my pelvis does feel slightly tilted and my right upper arm slightly twisted, I can't lift my leg when I do a side raise on my right as much as I can on the left and believe me my left is also slightly tense but not as bad, I can see that my right knee is turned slightly inwards I'm guessing because everything is tight and there are imbalances pulling me out of place possibly.

I've done a lot of self development work, I meditate, CBT, EFT etc, gratitude diary, I understand my emotions, I feel, accept and can process them, to the point I actually help others understand theirs.
I've understood and processed issues from the past, looked at relationships in the family etc - I know I suffer with low self esteem and self love, I like to feel safe, secure and in control, I'm in a job I feel unfulfilled in and don't particularly like, I've made two job changes in the past four years thinking a culture change would do me good, and a slight change of role, the truth is though I used to care so much about my work I was always the safe pair of hands that sorted everything out and drove things forward, I used to get really stressed and overworked leading to burnout, I recovered to a degree and then became almost redundant and felt I had no purpose and meaning, my manager was useless I and felt awful, I couldn't be bothered to go to work (but I did), I just thought I was suffering with depression, I was like this for four years, I was terrified to leave the company, excellent wage, well thought of etc.

I've since been at two different companies (last 3 years), both not great, I'm busier, but I feel like I just don't care anymore, I've even had a promotion in the latest company, my work ethic is still to get things done, but I feel really intolerant of the same old issues/problems in these companies and I've worked in small and big companies, their generally messy and not run well and too complex, and I'm worn out with it all, I feel like my soul is dead and all the frustrations have worn me out, instead of enjoying solving a problem like I used to, for the last 6 years I've wanted to run a mile, thinking it's not my problem, why should I get stressed over something I haven't caused, yet I've got to try and sort it out and I feel reluctant. And believe me I've tried to let go and just take the excellent wage - people tell me just to keep turning up and taking the money, but I feel so miserable, I've lost faith in trying yet another company or in doing a similar job, there also aren't too many companies in my area.

So I feel a bit stuck, I know I do have options, I've done loads of work on what I think I might like and have tried options on, but I'm scared I'm going to feel the same about any work I do and starting again - I've lost belief and hope.

I'm also 41, on my own with no partner or kids, I'd love to have a partner, I do internet dating and have had no luck, I've joined meetup groups but find the people aren't really my type, I hardly have any fun yet I do these things and try to make changes to my life, but I don't seem to get to a new chapter. I'm doing work with the law of attraction at the moment, and I do things I enjoy like badminton and book club but I get annoyed when other people suffer with self love issues etc yet some of them seem to have jobs they are at least okay with and find a partner when they try.

I guess my question is do I really have weak glutes etc that is causing the imbalance or could the issues above be keeping me locked in a particular pattern?

Thanks again x

 

Whew, @Catherine20, that's a lot of information to process. I mean, we can all improve our bodies, right? Concentrating on one area in order to achieve a certain goal is what most training is for, but I think it's healthier to have a goal of overall health and strength, rather than thinking you are trying to fix something. So I'm going to surmise that you need to give that idea up, and concentrate on your emotional state. I am impressed with that chiropractor, by the way, because she was certainly right. I also saw one for years, who was frustrated that she couldn't "fix" me. I believe she did her best, and I always felt temporarily better after an adjustment, but she didn't consider psychological issues to be at the bottom of it (they were!)

Look, you've done a great job listing the personal/emotional work that you've done, in great detail. Too much so, perhaps. As in, a perfectionist recap of all the emotional work you've done to, perhaps, justify why emotional repression may not have anything to do with your symptoms. And I'll be honest - I only skimmed it, so perhaps I missed something important or revealing - but really, the overall sense I got is one of unrelenting debilitating perfectionism.

And damn - this is the second post by a new member that I've come across today, who might benefit from an article I was going to put in a new thread! I got distracted by the new posts and haven't done that yet.

The article is two years old, but timeless for us TMSers. Check out the subtitle in the URL, and the article header, which is "Many of us believe perfectionism is a positive. But researchers are finding that it is nothing short of dangerous, leading to a long list of health problems – and that it’s on the rise."
https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20180219-toxic-perfectionism-is-on-the-rise (The dangerous downsides of perfectionism)

Let me know what you think.

~Jan

 

Hi @JanAtheCPA

Thanks for replying.

I guess my question is do I really have weak glutes etc that is causing the imbalance or could the issues above be keeping me locked in a particular pattern?

I have read the article and I think understood it. In relation to the issue above are we suggesting that in a nutshell being a perfectionist means not being good enough/lacking self approval, being scared of making mistakes, possibly beating myself up (anger) for not getting what I want but at the same time being scared to get what I want in case it's not perfect.

Could it be then that I'm locked up on my right side due to anxiety, not letting go, taking more risks, having fun, learning self compassion and moving forward in life (fear of the future)? I'm just wondering if that means doing the TMS programme or changing things in my life, when I try to make a change it's rare the result is a positive outcome, so it is failure in a sense, so then it's difficult to keep making changes, I do lose hope which I think is different to being a quitter which the article mentions, I'm not a quitter that's half the problem.

I agree I've probably done too much work on myself now and need to stop overthinking!!



Kind regards,

Catherine