1. Alan has completed the new Pain Recovery Program. To read or share it, use this link: http://go.tmswiki.org/newprogram
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Day 32 Stresses that may be preventing recovery...

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by Ariana, May 15, 2020.

  1. Ariana

    Ariana New Member

    Just thought I'd share my musings on today's post. Something I've been wondering about is how my frustrations towards my partner might be hindering my TMS recovery. I have acknowledged and journaled about anger and frustration I feel towards him (for not being a proactive/ambitious person), and over the years we've talked about it between us too. We actually have really quite a strong and healthy relationship, but those feelings are still there. And of course living together means there are those smaller daily annoyances too (because we're only human!). I don't express my frustrations directly to him often as it results in him getting upset and offended. But I am acknowledging my feelings more fully to myself. Is this enough?

    Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation? I don't think it's a reason to ditch our whole relationship, but I want to make sure I'm not repressing any of the anger I feel...
     
  2. Baseball65

    Baseball65 Beloved Grand Eagle

    Sarno lists 'unsatisfying-rage inducing relationships' as a common TMS maker over and over again in his books.
    True.. But it's also giving us fodder for recovery that we might be missing.

    WHY does that person bug me? What is it in me that isn't liking their actions? What is it in me that feels that person needs to change or be different? You can get pain free without changing externals 99 per cent of the time.

    I was married when I first read Sarno. I had never asked myself, or neatly evaded a lot of mixed feelings I had about the deal. I had 'talked myself into' being OK with a lot of rage inducing stuff... deal breaking stuff.

    BUT, I had to look into myself and find Out why that bugged so deeply, and like most stuff it goes back to the idea's I developed about 'partnerships' and 'relationships' based on my own development. I didn't need her to change to get better... I had to find out what I really believed at a new and deeper level.

    True and healthy.... But us TMS-ers tend to be people pleasers and I used that logic all the way to being physically abused in a relationship. As Eckhart Tolle says "everybody has a pain-body but sometimes it might be better to find a partner with a smaller share" (LOLOLOL)

    I don't know where you live and how 'locked down' you are, but remember, being alone with ANYBODY too long will exacerbate small peeves. I love my GF very much BUT I also have the old man wisdom to know I need to be alone a lot of the time... or the little things in her personality that I write off as 'Just being human' start to make my leg hurt....The source is in me, but I need to sometimes manage my exposure to particularly TMS inducing situations.

    ..and perhaps this is just 'old man cynicism' but, I have learned that there is no 'perfect partner'... They are a companion. Ultimately my own happiness depends on my relationship with god and the universe... having company is a bonus, not a mandatory.
     
  3. Ariana

    Ariana New Member

    Thanks for your reply, Baseball65. Yes I agree that we need to investigate why certain relationships induce anger, and that the 'issue' often lies within us, rather than getting them to change. And I totally agree that there's no such thing as a perfect partner! We'd be forever searching if there was...
     
    Baseball65 likes this.
  4. Mame

    Mame Newcomer

    Oh, I can totally relate! I have been married for 30 years to a wonderful man, who drives me crazy sometimes. I also believe that some of my TMS symptoms come from frustration with some of his personality traits. I am overly empathetic and he has difficulty with empathy, as well as other differences (We're only human right?) ;).
    I liked this musing from Baseball65 "BUT, I had to look into myself and find Out why that bugged so deeply, and like most stuff it goes back to the idea's I developed about 'partnerships' and 'relationships' based on my own development. I didn't need her to change to get better... I had to find out what I really believed at a new and deeper level." I feel the same way. I know that I love my husband, and that he is a good man. I don't need him to change I just need to accept him as he is and try not to be so reactive to every little thing that bugs me.
     

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