this the story of my father, now 85. And it is of course part of my story. Because I have been affected all my life of my fathers anxiety to be ill. He has irritable bowel syndrome and then a myriad of small things that fill his everyday life with anxiety, but I guess for him also with meaning. He also had prostrate cancer which is since 17 years in remission. He was very upset at that time when he had been diagnosed with prostate cancer, but took it afterwards in a better way than expected. While I am writing this, he is again at the emergency because of diarrhea. He is afraid of diverticulosis, which he also actually has and he had surgery for that. This is about the 15th time in 3 years he is at the emergency to be checked for diverticulosis. He is a really unhappy man, afraid of living and afraid of dying. Everytime he feels something, when one day the leg hurts, the hip the other, he has a bit of a cold, a bit allergy, an infected foot nail .... he freaks out. Some years ago I drove him to the emergency on Christmas Eve with an infected foot nail. Not a untreated foot nail, he had already antibiotics and had seen the doctor in the morning. But in the evening he got so anxious that we could not calm him down. What always strikes me is that my father is an intelligent man and he should have tried to get out of this circle of fear. He did not do anything against it. He he didn’t need to because the family used to support him. My mother was to afraid to object. I don’t want to go into details of this family history. It is not a very happy one. I now try to accept my parents for what they are and make the best of it. Why I am telling this? Maybe there are others who experience the same or similar. And because I know that I repeat some of these patterns. The anxiety when the body shows any abnormality is horrible and makes life miserable. If you always expect the worst you will not be over the moon because things went well. The opposite is the case, one is getting pessimistic and cynical. And in the end you enjoy nothing any more. So, I decided to break the circle. I don’t want to be like my father. I am still afraid. Afraid that my resistance to anxiety, to fear the worst, to expect the worst, that I will be punished for this. Something like, the moment I dare to live free of fear a very bad disease will catch me. But I don’t have a choice really. Living in constant fear is not worth living. So, I need to make a leap of faith. Wish me luck!