Day 1 Still working on it...

So this is my introduction to the SEP. As people have seen in my other post know, I'm still not 100% convinced of the TMS diagnosis. I'm working on it. I've researched it a lot and been reading The Way Out and Alan Gordon's message really resonated with me, that it's possible for pain to begin in a structural way and then for pain to turn chronic. I have had Interstitial Cystitis/Pelvic Floor Dysfunction since 2020 but was doing okay. In July 2025 I had Botox to my pelvic floor. A week later I entered the hell that I'm still stuck in, non-stop pain and urinary urgency/frequency. I have had issues - I had a UTI for several months and also have extremely tense pelvic floor muscles as diagnosed by my PFPT but I now think the main cause of my pain and muscle tension is fear of the pain and anger at doing the Botox procedure.

I had also been going through some serious mental health issues in the year leading up to the Botox.

I am looking into seeing a PRT therapist but I'm extremely suicidal so I'm trying anything I think can help. I want to believe TMS can help me.

What would a life without TMS mean to me? So much. I cry every day wanting my old life back, just before the Botox. I have hated myself so much for doing it. I know I need to forgive myself but it's so hard. I miss all the things I used to do, I miss not being suicidal and crying every day. I miss being alive.