Day 1 Still struggling but it's only day 1 :)

hey everyone
My name is Daniel, I have been dealing with shoulder,neck and back pain since i was 14. I was diagnosed as having tendinitis so I thought that was the reason for all my pain. I had no idea it might of been to do with my depression or struggles being a shy overly sensitive guy just starting highschool. I also aggressively trained with weights for a while before deciding I had hurt my self lifting weights and developed and imbalance of muscles cause poor posture and structural damage. The pain got worse through my teens and at 18 I started working as an electrical apprentice which I was somewhat forced into and found it to be very hard on the body, tons of overhead work that hurt my shoulders but I felt a responsibility to make money and be an adult and get my meal ticket as my dad called it, I suffered through it and got my Liscence. The pain kept getting worse and was the prime focus of my life. I tried chiropractors, massage, osteopaths,doctors,acupuncture and many other forms of therapy all based on fixing structural issues never looking at the fact that I was an unhappy, depressed and felt responsible for all my problems and that the pain was my fault.
When I was 22 I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. It never really scared me except to tell my mom I was more concerned with her being upset about it then me having it. The only time I cried was when I told her. I was actually relieved for a while because I thought maybe I was in pain so much do to the cancer and when it is gone hopefully so would the pain. Also I was prescribed high doses of OxyContin and became dependant and later a full blown opiate addict spending hundreds of dollars a day on the stuff.
So the pain didn't disappear with the cancer all that I had now was a big drug problem. The pain killers gave me relief from every aspect of pain provided I kept taking higher doses. They didn't just help with the physical pain but also the mental, emotional and spiritual pain.
Fast forward to now, I'm 32 I was in rehab for drug addiction 3 months ago so I have made many positive changes in my life. I am 100 percent of the narcotic pain killers, stopped smoking and am eating healthy which I have never done before. Also in this recovery process it forces you to take a hard look at the underlying emotional issues that plague you.
I have read John Sarnos books multiple times and can identify that I have tms however have still struggled with it as my body seems so completely out of whack. I had a recent bad flare up of pain in the front of the neck where I never had pain before. This helped me really believe it was tms as it happened the day after I watched my grandmother take her last breath. I stuff hard emotions like that down and it came out in pain. After the funeral the pain subsided and was on and off which led me to believe it could not be structural pain.
I would appreciate any help or support from the form as this is the most important struggle I have in life. I always say I would pay a million dollars or do anything to get rid of this awful pain.
Thanks everyone and sorry if I have rambled on, I look forward to carrying on with this journey

 

Welcome to the Forum, Daniel. Thanks for sharing your story. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

 

Thanks Jan and Ellen. I will check out those books and keep posting. I have watched some of dr mates videos on the subject and I think there very interesting

 

Hi, dgayford. Being with your grandmother to her passing, and the funeral, could be downers for anyone.
You just started the SEProgram, and need to be patient with the healing process. Be positive and live in the present moment.

And I like the old saying that misery loves company. No one is immune from pain brought on by our emptions... Tiger Woods, George Clooney, Brad Pitt. They have their aches and pains, and need to know about TMS. We're luckier than they are because we know about TMS and many, me included, have healed. Good luck as you start this fantastic program.