Day 9 Still improving

Have you been overly critical of yourself lately? How and why have you done this?

Yeah, I have pretty much all the typical TMS personality types. Perfectionism is up there, and I criticise myself even when I do loads and achieve things. I do quite a wide range of hobbies, and I get frustrated when I can't fit them in or achieve things fast enough. I rarely praise myself, or step back and acknowledge what I do. I overly focus on the negative. When I try to relax, my mind thinks 'isn't there something you could be doing?'

I think it is based on an unquestioned assumption that criticism gets things done, which isn't true, and that I would never get anything done if I wasn't harsh on myself, again not true. Being like this also reduces the pleasure of each activity.

Another possible answer is how I was brought up, in a successful family expecting success.

I also can be critical after social situations or if I mess something up. Regret was something I used to struggle with.

I have been working on my self-compassion even before TMS, and I'm still improving. And improvement, not perfection is all we can ask for. I even felt a spark of self-compassion after the difficult journalling session today. Walt was right, journalling is emotionally difficult, but worth it.

Speaking of improvement, I'm pleased to say I had another pain free workout (although not sure if I should be monitoring the pain so much). I've even included an exercise I avoided for almost two years and was advised against by a doctor.

The pain moves around a bit, but it is diminishing, and my faith in TMS grows by the day.

 

I was the first in a big family to go to college. My parents, especially my father, gave me very little encouragement. He thought I wouldn't last a day but I fooled everyone and graduated with a degree in journalism from Michigan State University and a few years later become a reporter and editor for the Chicago Tribune. I may have been lucky not to have been pushed by anyone. I've since become a freelance writer, author of more than 40 books
(www.walteroleksybooks.com). I'm 85 now and at my most productive and creative, having written two new books since Easter and revised another.

Have faith in yourself, but don't bully yourself into achieving too much. You are an achiever and your natural pace is fast enough.

Glad you are improving. The SEP program will get you to the finish line and being pain-free.

 

When I started the program there were a several personality traits I didn't think I had.

I didn't think I was a perfectionist. I asked a good friend from work. She said. "..well, everything you do is 110%." Bingoooo.

Now it is so obvious to me. It is one of many I have to manage in my head (thoughts).

If I have a symptom it is a warming bell in my head that I am thinking about "something" that I am unaware of.

I sit down with my journal, close my eyes reviewing the day in my head. Let's see. ..my Mother gave me"the look of disappointment". Really makes me angry but I can not express it.

My bridge partner Gave me "the look" of disappointment.

I am so darn tired of having to be perfect and living in this constant fear of rejection.

But, for me, it is so ingrained I will always have symptoms which I physically ignore (but not mentally) but know they are a warning bell. ..time to journal.

You can do it too. Keep up the great work.

 

Hi Stella. Perfectionism can seem so natural to us that we don't notice it, but it isn't who we really are. I, too, have such a huge fear of not being perfect and am terrified of rejection, as if it is an crushing indictment against my character. Girls, work, you name it, I'm scared of being rejected. I'm starting to take things less personally: most people's behaviours say more about them, not you.

 

When I play bridge the partner of an opponent may be verbally nasty to their partner. I would normally say nothing since expressing healthy disagreement, TMS trait, is difficult so physical pain results. Now I say something then " see" the opponent now really unhappy with me....physical symptoms results too for me.

This TMS can be quite complicated but I have the tools now that I have taken this program. You will too.