I know I'm doing great. This forum has been inspirational. I'm reminding myself of all the evidence that my leg/butt/tailbone/numbness/aching/cramping/tingling et al is TMS. The list alone is proof enough. I am thinking about the times when I am not in pain (there ARE times) when I am happily distracted and present. I am walking, pushing through pain, doing things that scare me, making plans that scare me, working with a TMS coach from the pain psychology center, seeing my own therapist, reading... all good stuff. I've been talking to my spouse about it (educating him, trying to figure out ways he can help and things that will help/not help - suggestions appreciated !) and realize I sound like a real trooper that's gonna not let my brain sabotage my life. And I really am pushing through pain, trying to distract myself, and, sorry for the self pity here, not falling apart despite my brain's latest trick to cause intense cramping or whatever it is while I try to go to sleep and while I'm waking up, and sometimes waking me in the middle of the night hurting so badly I want to cry. I love to travel, and my motto is that I'm taking my leg to see the universe whether it hurts or not! I've stopped taking painkillers by about 90%, gave up the pillow between my knees a night, not using a heating pad obsessively.... All sounds great, right? But inside: can i really keep this up? I can appreciate outcome independence but I want this to end and my brain wont give up. I'm both getting mad at it as recommended it, but also doing the taking care of the inner child bit too. Yesterday I gave the parent who didn't provide the kind of support and nurturing a child should have a piece of my mind (in my head that is) and it helped. Funny thing is we have a wonderful relationship now - and I got a nice email from them this morning! Deal is the parent can handle and enjoy an adult child but wasnt able to be there in the ways a parent must. Pretty standard stuff - parts of my childhood messy and sad and "traumatizing" and left some rough baggage. I just cant get past the pain thing and needing people to know how much it hurts. I'm not actually telling this to people, because i wont let my brain win, but damn it, it hurts. And well, the inner child sure does not like that!! I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of perpetual extinction bursts (looking at the history, even before a TMS lens on this, I was having what look like extinction bursts). I have an incredibly obsessive personality and something think my brain will win. Thanks for listening.