I just woke up in the middle of the night with a nasty flare-up. Along came all the familiar thoughts of fear and hopelessness. It was as if the bully in my head were ridiculing me for even trying to get better, for having the audacity to believe for a moment that I could ever break it's hold on me. My brain is such a tyrant, constantly generating pain to invoke fear and desperation on my part, and then ultimately submission. My pain wants me to feel afraid and powerless. It wants me to feel like a piece of shit. It’s worked for a very long time, but I refuse to take this anymore. I’m making a commitment to fight against the fear. I can’t change the pain in the short-term, but I can change the fear that comes with it. I can take a stand against the bully. I don’t have to feel helpless. This is the same bully that has told me over and over again for my entire life that I’m not good enough, that I’m garbage. It’s the reason I feel like I have to be perfect at everything. It’s the reason I’m paralyzed so often, afraid of making a mistake, afraid of not being perfect. Afraid that people won’t like or care about me. This bully is in my ear all day, even when it’s not yelling at me, the threat of backlash is enough to keep me walking on eggshells. When the fear does go away and the pain does lessen, I’m in constant fear that it will come back. I can never relax and just feel okay about myself because of this abusive fucking bully that has ruled my life for so long. I won’t take it anymore! I won’t give into the fear so easily. I refuse to get caught up in believing everything this stupid fucking bully tells me about how I’m always going to hurt, and how I’m never going to get better, and that maybe I deserve to hurt this much and to feel this way. I’m not powerless. Other people have stood up to this same bully. I will too.