Standing up to the fear - facing the bully!

I just woke up in the middle of the night with a nasty flare-up. Along came all the familiar thoughts of fear and hopelessness. It was as if the bully in my head were ridiculing me for even trying to get better, for having the audacity to believe for a moment that I could ever break it's hold on me.

My brain is such a tyrant, constantly generating pain to invoke fear and desperation on my part, and then ultimately submission. My pain wants me to feel afraid and powerless. It wants me to feel like a piece of shit. It’s worked for a very long time, but I refuse to take this anymore. I’m making a commitment to fight against the fear. I can’t change the pain in the short-term, but I can change the fear that comes with it. I can take a stand against the bully. I don’t have to feel helpless.

This is the same bully that has told me over and over again for my entire life that I’m not good enough, that I’m garbage. It’s the reason I feel like I have to be perfect at everything. It’s the reason I’m paralyzed so often, afraid of making a mistake, afraid of not being perfect. Afraid that people won’t like or care about me. This bully is in my ear all day, even when it’s not yelling at me, the threat of backlash is enough to keep me walking on eggshells. When the fear does go away and the pain does lessen, I’m in constant fear that it will come back. I can never relax and just feel okay about myself because of this abusive fucking bully that has ruled my life for so long.

I won’t take it anymore! I won’t give into the fear so easily. I refuse to get caught up in believing everything this stupid fucking bully tells me about how I’m always going to hurt, and how I’m never going to get better, and that maybe I deserve to hurt this much and to feel this way.

I’m not powerless. Other people have stood up to this same bully. I will too.

 

That's the attitude, wallic. Get mad at your inner bully and tell it you know you're better than it thinks you are.

Dr. Sarno says in Healing Back Pain: "I find it almost shocking to realize how common it is for people to have feelings of inferiority deep inside.
There must be a cultural reason for this that is reflected in the way we are managed as children and, therefore, the way we develop.

He says the feelings of inferiority are deep and hidden but reveal themselves through our behavior. In your case, feeling like you have to be perfect at everything.

"It is likely that for most of us the compulsive need to do well, succeed and achieve is a reflection of deep-seated feelings of inferiority. Wherever it comes from, the need to accomplish or live up to some ideal role, such as being the best parent, student, or worker, is very common in people who get TMS."

I hope you will begin the Structured Education Program to help you learn the source of your pain -- perfectionism -- and to work on modifying it.
Journaling will help you with that.

Sarno says that with many of his patients with pain from perfectionist problems, when they became aware that the source of their symptoms was inner tension, the pain disappeared. "Awareness is the key to recovery from TMS."

Journaling will help you think back into your childhood and why you developed the strong need to be perfect.

 

Glad you're standing up to the bully!

My perfectionism isn't exactly a bully, but more like my mother's nagging/worries or being 'tied up' or such. It has prevented me from doing many things though, like finishing the book/s I was writing etc.
You may laugh but at a time I had feelings of inferiority for being an (almost) straight A student, I really felt embarassed about my grades - so these things can be totally irrational.
I'm doing EFT together with this TMS program, and I hope things will change!

Wishing you good luck too!!