Sorrow and TMS

Hi everyone,

has someone expirience with TMS after having lost a loved person?

Sorrow is a very strong feeling and I feel it in my whole body... legs, arms, neck...

Greetings Sebastian

 

yes

 

Hello Sebastian,

Thanks to the emotional work I did in 2011, after discovering Dr. Sarno and this forum, I was able to process two devastating losses the following year, in 2012. What I discovered was that I felt abandoned by my two loved ones - and by allowing myself to experience the abandonment, I experienced the true freedom to mourn.

I think that abandonment is a HUGE issue when someone dies. And yet - doesn't it feel selfish to wallow in abandonment at such a moment? After all, the loved one is the one who has lost his or her life - sometimes after a great deal of suffering. And there may be others who are suffering more than me (in my case, two spouses were left behind). So what right do I have to feel abandoned??? How selfish am I????

THIS is the negative emotion that your brain wants to hide from your awareness - it doesn't want you to experience the abandonment, because it is afraid that you will not stay alert to danger - in addition, you will feel guilty and ashamed and selfish, making your awareness of the outside world even less. Your primitive brain believes that this is dangerous to your survival, so it represses the experience of abandonment. This leaves you stuck in a cycle of sorrow that you can't pin down.

It was this experience that really cemented for me, once and for all, the understanding of how our brains keep us stuck by repressing true, deep emotions. I saw and acknowledged that I felt abandoned, I allowed myself to experience the abandonment, I accepted myself for feeling abandoned, and I accepted the emotion as totally natural and normal. It made so much sense - and that's what was inevitably so freeing.

All the best,

~Jan

 

Sebastian, sweet Angel, simply to say there is much love and support here for you.

And yes, TMS certainly follows loss. I believe sorrow to be the root cause of mine.

Take extra special good care,

Huge hugs,

Plum x

 

Beautiful reply Jan. One for deep reflection on this slate grey rainy morning.

 

@JanAtheCPA:

Yes, I feel you! I know exactly what you mean. I feel sorry for you, please feel lovely hugged.

My father died in 2011 when I was 20 years old. In the following years the only thought I had was "Oh my god, I feel so sorry for my mother. Now she is alone and I have to be strong." ... This was the fundament of my TMS... In 2014 my body began to hurt, pain everywhere... stomach, shoulders, neck and so on. I started a psychotherapy in December 2015 and got to know TMS in December 2016. Now after hard working with myself, confronting feelings and dealing with completely stupid and strong habits what have the aim to oppress the fact that I am sorrowing, I am nearly pain free because I learned to accept negative feelings and give them space. The lonely boy in me, who lost his father is allowed be a part of me. He is welcome... I am crying while writing this... but I feel free and feel strong love to myself, my family, my friends and all people on this planet.

Denying feelings is very dangerous...

Since I discovered this fact I regularly feel this strong lonelyness. I have to say that I like this feeling. It hurts but I feel like a human being and am completely myself. I feel a strong connection and love to my father but also this "gap" in my live. But accepting it and giving it space is so releasing. Pain vanishes or is not important in comparison to these important and strong feelings. Pain loses completely its relevance and power.

Sometimes I am not sure what's going on with my body/mind. Sometimes I force myself to find out if I am repressing something or if i am simply tired or have a cold or something like this. This was the case when I wrote my last post.. I was confused and looked for someone who could tell me what's "right". Afterwards I decided to go to a cafe, have some time with myself, read a good book and let my body/mind be like it is. It did not try to solve a problem, find a reason for my discomfort and so on. Et voila. I saw clear and knew exactly what is going on and what I need...

@plum and @JanAtheCPA

Thank you so much for your replies. It feels great to know that you are making similar experiences. Don't get me wrong, I do not wish anyone this feelings/problems. But talking to someone who has similar experiences is sometimes an oasis for the soul. I feel both of you and I feel your compassion. Many thanks!

Greetings
Sebastian

 

My dear Sebastian,

There are few things that time spent in a cafe with a good book cannot soothe. Pure hygge.

I completely understand your liking of loneliness. Once we stop resisting these feelings and sensations they make their beauty known to us. I very much love melancholia, sadness and sorrow for the states of profound intimacy they gift us with. I think one of the main issues for people suffering with TMS is a full acknowledgement and feeling of vulnerabity. Once you stop fighting those tender feelings, and learn to yield to them with grace, life transforms. Death has a magnificent beauty and fragility and it does take a lot of courage and tears to face the full magnitude of that.

As I sit here and cast my eyes to the world outside my window, I can see birds flocking ready to leave for warmer climes. It is poignant. I know they must go and I shall miss them, but these moments where they gather and chatter to each other are lovely. Goodbyes are hard. They crystallize all our imperfections. Everything we feel we did wrong or could have done better. Yet within that are all the warm and beautiful memories and when reflecting upon them, it is impossible not to cry. Life is so bittersweet.

Plum x

 

Yes Sebastian, death is part and parcel of being human, should we live long enough, we will experience the crushing loss of many of those close to us.

My TMS reoccurred with a vengeance when my brother died a year and a half ago, following a bitter estrangement (a seeming death to me) of another family member just a year prior to this. It seems our bodies can only take so much emotional pain. Yet, somehow, we can get through this. Victor Frankel wrote of his time in a concentration camp during WWII and the suffering and loss all around him. His is an inspiring story of survival during a terrible time (Mans Search for Meaning). He wrote for all, and his belief that all of us can do this, if we can garner the emotional strength and fortitude to push forward, allowing our life force to prevail.

I am doing much better now, but it has been a long, dark path. I found journaling helped. I could express my feelings about this loss and all of the losses prior, giving them light and naming them for the bitterness I had swallowed because of them.

My sympathies for your recent loss.

 

Lovely @plum,

I like your profound feelings and thoughts. Have you read books about philosophy concerning life? I am facing myself with questions about the sense of life, happiness, mindfulness... I am interested how you could open your mind, what was your way?
Mine was/is: psychoanalysis, reading, writing, meditating, ..

I am open minded for other experiences and suggestions and I like to chat with mindful people .

Kind regards
Sebastian

 

Dear Lainey,

I feel very sorry for your loss and can imagine the path you are talking about. 1,5 years is a short time, I hope you are feeling love besides sorrow. I repressed my sorrow from 2011 to 2016, TMS was the result. Now I accept the painful process of sorrow.. The pressure is going away and besides sorrow there remain love, hope and thankfulness.. it‘s sometimes overwhelming..

I wish you much strength to go through this path.

Did you read his book?

Kind regards
Sebastian

 

Hi Sebastian

Thanks for the kind words. I am doing much better, still have body aches but emotionally am more secure.

Yes, I did read Frankl's book many years ago. I was in grad school studying clinical therapy and this was one of the books suggested to us for additional reading. I learned a bit about logotherapy and was intrigued, but did not pursue this technique as my therapeutic goal. At the time I found this a hopeful book. Maybe I should give it a second look. Have you ever had reason or inclination to read this?

Also, as a note to your earlier post. I have grown up knowing loneliness, even in the midst of a large family and a circle of friends. As a young teen I would take long walks or bicycle rides alone, and found these excursions rejuvenated my spirit. I remember frequently skipping school and taking a bus to the downtown area of my hometown and sitting for hours, alone, in an art gallery. My inclination is to have some time to be alone with myself each day. I need this space from the world. While I was working in a managerial position and as a therapist I often neglected this part of myself. This was unfortunate and probably led to some of my TMS. I also believe I was/am often misunderstood by those close to me. Needing to be unto myself, gives others the appearance of being uncaring or unreachable. I am neither of these.

I agree that it is good to share with others who may understand or resonate with our experience(s). I hope you can find peace in your struggle to gain healing, both physically and emotionally. You are still a young man and your introspection and your caring spirit can serve you well. Your awareness of your own attributes is key.

Kind regards,
Lainey

 

This is so beautiful Lainey.
The simple elegance of few words saying so very much always stills my mind and captures my heart.

 

Sweet Sebastian,

My way is very much like your own. I read voraciously and especially love depth psychology (such as Carl Jung), philosophy and sacred writings particularly mystical writings. I like poetry. Novels are a rich way of living through another person's eyes for a while. World's within World's.

I don't so much meditate as contemplate. I cloudwatch as much as possible. It calms my mind to watch fluffy white clouds coast across the expanse of blue. Listening to the rain creates the same feeling (I'm lucky to live in England where we have so much rain ).

I like to write but these days I don't write as much as I would like. One day...

I adore conversation with sensitive souls. I love it when I make random yet deep connections with someone and we lose ourselves in a bubble of intimacy.

I like real things such as proper books, fountain pens, vinyl, coffee beans, doggies and fires. I think these things are soul food and the modern world is starving for them. There are hungry ghosts everywhere.

I like everyday rituals. Simple acts such as lighting a handful of candles as night falls.

I love music. Music is humanities greatest gift to the universe. (Plastic may be it's worst). If dance is music made visible, music is emotion given song.

I like to people-watch.

And as a recovering people-pleaser, I like to genuinely give of myself and see them happy in return. This is a work in progress

Lastly I like to spend time with my Mum and Dad because I am so blessed that they are my Mum and Dad and they are still here. I'm aware the sands of time are slipping through our fingers.

Sorrow and TMS.

This is an exquisite thread.

Bless you for starting it Sebastian.

 

We are so blessed on this Forum for everything you write. You are truly gifted, and I hope you are able to find the time to create even more and share it with a wider audience.

 

vinyl?

Always the unexpected from our dear Plum.

 

Gawdon Bennet! Is that me being a Brit again?

(Vinyl = a collection of lp's, records, those beauties you pop on a turntable.)

 

Vinyl who does not have such a collection. . . . .if they were born prior to 1980.
Plum, as always, you offer us poetry and prose from the heart. I so enjoy your musings and getting a glimpse into your life.
Thank you for sharing so much of your spirit with those of us here. We are fortunate to have you on this forum.
Lainey

 

Blessings sweet soul. You are much treasured and enjoyed by me. I am so very glad you are here and that you share so much of your spirit too. Tis the healing magic and the reconnection of kindred spirits across time and space.

 

Ahhh, I get it now! I was thinking the fake leather kind of vinyl.

 

Ellen you are so adorable. I love the stuffing out of you