So tired of tms. 20+ symptoms, tired of fighting

Hi,

i guess I’m posting here because I don’t know where else to post and I’m in need of some reassurance. I know reassurance checking isn’t the best idea with tms but I feel so low and broken and I just don’t know what else to do anymore.

I’m 27, from the uk and my tms started when I was 5, separation anxiety from my mum as she was always in hospital seriously ill and I started with somatic stomach pain ect.

a life of horrific trauma and abuse from my mums abusive ex boyfriend led to me getting worse tms symptom's at 15 - chronic right kidney pain, utis, kidney infections, ovarian pain, cysts, even septicaemia for an unknown reason so lots of hospital traumas from 15-18. I remember clearly so many times coming out the hospital screaming and crying that they couldn’t find the cause before I knew about tms. All I was offered at 15 was tramadol and morphine patches. I eventually managed to do my a levels through the pain and went to uni where some symtpoms left but the ovary stuff stayed, then I found I had cervical cancer which went along with the ovary stuff.

I have a myriad of mental health issues because of the life of trauma- cptsd ect, immense rage, everything sarno talked about with the emotional issues. Then started the low back pain going down legs into feet, diagnosed as coccyxdinia ect to the point I had to go to a hospital school to do my GCSEs.

my current issues started five years ago after more continous stress and trauma. I randomly had hypothermia (I don’t even think it was that it was just my nervous system shutting down. The low back pain came back in both buttocks burning and down both legs, pain like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

Over the past five years it’s spiralled. These are my symptoms now.
- Low back pain both buttocks legs and constant burning feet to where it’s unbearable to sit or walk
- burning arms
- right shoulder bursitis
- constant chest pain and stomach pain after eating (GI doc did tests and showed severe hyper sensitivity - his words were it’s from a life of trauma and the nervous system becoming sensitised
- upper back burning and between shoulders
- blurred vision
- tinnitus
- tmj
- constant tachycardia
- severe panic attacks, DPDR, ect

I believe in tms. The only thing I’m stuck on is my back scan showed a large tarlov cyst in my sacrum. I shouldn’t of, but googling there’s a tarlov cyst foundation of thousands of people with the same cyst with the same pain as me in wheelchairs ect. If I didn’t have the cyst I feel like I’d believe more. I was on pregablin which basically got rid of the burning feet ect, but I’ve come down off it again due to it blurring my vision and brain fog and the feet and legs have come back making me feel like it really is the cyst…


I’ve tried journalling meditation all the programs a tms therapust, EMDR, trauma therapy, it won’t go.

My life is miserable because I can’t eat what I want, I can’t listen to music loud anymore for the tinnitus, I can’t stand or walk far for the pain, I’ve tried going to the gym, it makes it worse, my life has just become smaller and smaller.

i know the misery and anger at my life is fuelling it but I can’t do anything because of the pain. I used to love painting and I can’t because of the shoulder pain. I can’t meet friends because I can’t walk far ect. I’m utterly miserable and totally engraged.

i feel like there’s no way out. I’m working with a trauma therapist mostly on controlling my emotions from the cptsd and I’ve read all the tms books.
I had a first class degree and was working with the UN before all this started, now I live alone unable to work just sitting around the house or go to the gym where my pain gets worse.

i know the fear has to go but it won’t because now I’m scared of stress, worrying about my parents dying and my symptoms getting worse, worrying about being 30 soon and stuck in a town I hate constantly in pain. I have my masters offers but I can’t go, because of the amount of symptoms.

i don’t know what to do anymore and any advice would be welcomed.
Thank you if you read this.

 

This could be your main problem. Controlling emotions is not what you should be doing. You need to learn how to process emotions, and that is very different. "Controlling" sounds almost like suppression, which leads to the pain in the first place. You need to find a TMS therapist, their approach to emotions is fundamentally different from others.

 

@NeOshin28, I'm truly sorry for all that you have suffered at such a young age. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how much this forum can help you, because I feel like our self-help resources mostly benefit average anxiety-based TMS - but it doesn't hurt to ask. Here are some of my thoughts for you to consider:

1.

This is good news. You have been pretty clear about the trauma you have endured, and I just want to make sure that you and your therapist have reviewed what is referred to as the ACEs test: the list of ten specific Adverse Childhood Experiences. I feel like the list is presented in a way that makes it very clear what you are dealing with. Here is a good resource for it: Take The ACE Quiz — And Learn What It Does And Doesn't Mean : Shots - Health News : NPR

2. Have you and your therapist discussed the role that victimhood plays in your emotional life? As I read your post, that's the overwhelming sense that I received. I lost track of the number of times you said "I can't". This is one of the clearest expressions of victimhood, and it's a serious impediment to recovery. Because here's the thing: as long as you see yourself as a victim of your past and current circumstances, you will not be able to achieve any level of healing or peace.

Recovery requires hope, and hope is possible to achieve, but your traumatized brain, using patterns laid down in childhood in order to merely survive, does not know how to let go. It's going to require a force of will and a willingness to visualize a different future, to overcome these old patterns. I do believe that victimhood can be overcome if you are willing to see it and make a conscious choice to reject it, but it probably requires a skilled therapeutic process.

If you're willing, start out by trying to change the dialogue. Every time you find yourself saying "I can't", change it to "I want" and see what happens. It's a brain trick, really - designed to stop that negative dialogue ruminating around in your TMS brain, and forcing it to change direction and even visualize, however briefly, a different future. Notice that I don't recommend saying "I can" because you are not there yet - and that's perfectly okay for now. But I'm sure you can say what you want, right? Give it a try. >>> I should warn you that doing this with an open mind might cause some painful emotion, coming from the realization of loss. I don't think this is a bad thing - honestly grieving what you have lost is healthier than holding on to anger and rage. But it can feel worse, and if you're more accustomed to the rage, experiencing honest grief can be overwhelming and frightening. It's also likely to be one of the emotions that your brain has been repressing for a long time. Perhaps do this with your therapist.

3. My last thought is a very pragmatic suggestion. Young people in general tend to lack body awareness unless they are very athletic from a young age, and I would say that this is especially true of a young person with a history of physical trauma and dysfunction. In my own case I really believe that my many years of different body-aware and body-mindful activities and training really helped my TMS recovery. I highly recommend that you engage in some kind of serious hands-on bodywork from a skilled therapeutic practitioner. An ideal practitioner might be someone who does therapeutic massage and yoga, who can teach you how to engage relaxation techniques combined with breathing, learning how to "talk" to your body and visualize energy patterns while recognizing tension patterns - basically learning how to do biofeedback on yourself. There are probably a lot of options and techniques out there. It's also well-known that the "laying on of hands" alone can be therapeutic, which is why so many people find temporary relief from things like acupuncture, massage, and chiropractice. And yes, Dr. Sarno said to give up those activites, calling them crutches, but I think that's an oversimplification, and I firmly believe that using them with a goal of learning to work with your own body can be very beneficial.

Good luck,

~Jan