Day 8 So much anger!

[ahri11]

Hello all, this is my first post...not usually one for online groups but I want to connect so here I am
After 15 years of increasing pain and symptoms, just a couple of weeks ago I was done. Totally done. The next morning Alan's The Way Out showed up and down the rabbit hole I went! It all made sense to me; I have always worked with the pain through a mind-body lens, working with emotions and beliefs. But there were a few key pieces of understanding and perspective I was missing that lead me to feel overwhelmed and hopeless.
I have opened the floodgates to anger and rage this last week. The scary emotions for me. I feel at my most vulnerable feeling anger; it feels so intimate, leaving no space to feel safe. So, discovering safety in feeling anger and rage is on the menu atm!
Writing it all out has been helpful for now...while looking toward more physical ways of releasing as I gain confidence that this body is healthy and able. Maybe a punching bag is in order Remember those kids ones way back in the 80's?! I think mine was a clown...loved that thing!
Anyways, thank you for your courageous venturing into the deep dark wells of your beings fellow spelunkers! We're discovering treasures, all of us!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Awesome post, @ahri11, and welcome!

My recovery story dates from way back in 2011, but I feel like I could have written the same Day 8 post that you just did.

I have always worked with the pain through a mind-body lens, working with emotions and beliefs. But there were a few key pieces of understanding and perspective I was missing that lead me to feel overwhelmed and hopeless.

This was exactly me, for six decades, until hitting 60 brought my lifelong on-and-off symptoms to a big crisis. I was well on my way to becoming housebound when I stumbled across Dr Sarno. Alan was very active on the forum back then and his posts and a couple of webinars made an enormous impact on me. (Those webinars are linked in my list of resources on my profile page by the way) .

I feel at my most vulnerable feeling anger; it feels so intimate, leaving no space to feel safe. ...discovering safety in feeling anger and rage is on the menu...

I've been writing a lot about vulnerability lately! Someone helped remind me that vulnerability was really essential to my recovery, and I've been trying to mention it whenever it seems relevant! Great minds think alike?

Keep up the good work. And, punching bag? Whatever brings joy

~Jan

 

[ahri11]

Yes, vulnerability is key. Also, recognizing the difference between true vulnerability that fosters a sense of well being and empowerment versus that learned "pseudo" version that makes one vulnerable TO others and circumstances. If that makes sense...

Thanks for the reply and encouragement Jan!

 

[ahri11]

and just in case the person who also posted a reply(and then deleted?) sees this...I actually really appreciated your post...I hope you didn't think it was too intense for a newbie
dogs are such great teachers...I had one who sounds similar to your beauty!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Also, recognizing the difference between true vulnerability that fosters a sense of well being and empowerment versus that learned "pseudo" version that makes one vulnerable TO others and circumstances. If that makes sense...

That's a really good point which makes perfect sense, @ahri11. I want to incorporate that somehow when I bring up vulnerability...

I think it goes hand in hand with rigorous self honesty. My TMS turning point came when I was writing a list of things from childhood for the SEP. I was suddenly aware that there was something I was not writing down because my brain was literally telling me "Oh, no, don't write that down, it's too embarrassing and it's really not important - you can find something else". LOL!

It was pretty laughable, but what wasn't funny was how incredibly difficult it was to then force myself to write it down! It took a bizarre amount of effort even though it was just a minor and brief incident involving my sister and mother. Fortunately, once I was on that path of self-honesty, I knew I had to look at that specific thing during the longer writing exercise. I think that's where the vulnerability came in because I had to take a risk at that point to examine something that my fearful brain really wanted to keep repressing. Ironically, it wasn't the least bit earth-shattering - it was just something I had repressed because I had experienced an irrational amount of anxiety at the time, which then brought on shame and embarrassment. Looking at it with compassion for myself really informed me about my anxiety and fears, my childhood perception of myself within my family and about how I processed all of these things fifty years in the past. It was fascinating. And ultimately very freeing.

 

[Baseball65]

I hope you didn't think it was too intense for a newbie
dogs are such great teacher

I didn't take the post down because I thought it too intense... I took it down when I realized you were a woman. And Yes, I know that's totally Biased, but in context with the post...being NICE isn't part of a good TMS recovery and you seem to be right on track.
I don't know much about women and what makes them angry, not being one myself....Oh , I know we all have the same basic mechanisms deep down, but how they manifest and what conflicts develop. TMS isn't theoretical or Intellectual. If it was, we'd all get better on Day one?

I remember being in Jr High and waiting for a fight after school. I had learned by that time the waiting was the hardest part,always much worse than the actual violence...the mental anguish was nearly unbearable. I remember thinking I was jealous of Girls because they didn't have this problem that every guy in MY world did.

It never once occurred to me to NOT fight or Back Down...Ego. Totally invisible to a 12 year old boy. That's probably around the time men and women diverge.
My childhood friend (who recently killed himself) Never failed to bring up a schoolyard fight he was in (and lost) every time I saw him...I mentioned I was working with the fellow in adulthood and my Friend couldn't believe the betrayal he felt at me being OK with this MAN. Intellectually insane? Childish? and totally normal for a Man based on the many men who have been candid with me in discussions.

So...Male conflicts and anger. I'm pretty saavy. Women? Haven't got a clue.

But you sound like you're getting it!

 

[ahri11]

That's a really good point which makes perfect sense, @ahri11. I want to incorporate that somehow when I bring up vulnerability...

I think it goes hand in hand with rigorous self honesty. My TMS turning point came when I was writing a list of things from childhood for the SEP. I was suddenly aware that there was something I was not writing down because my brain was literally telling me "Oh, no, don't write that down, it's too embarrassing and it's really not important - you can find something else". LOL!

It was pretty laughable, but what wasn't funny was how incredibly difficult it was to then force myself to write it down! It took a bizarre amount of effort even though it was just a minor and brief incident involving my sister and mother. Fortunately, once I was on that path of self-honesty, I knew I had to look at that specific thing during the longer writing exercise. I think that's where the vulnerability came in because I had to take a risk at that point to examine something that my fearful brain really wanted to keep repressing. Ironically, it wasn't the least bit earth-shattering - it was just something I had repressed because I had experienced an irrational amount of anxiety at the time, which then brought on shame and embarrassment. Looking at it with compassion for myself really informed me about my anxiety and fears, my childhood perception of myself within my family and about how I processed all of these things fifty years in the past. It was fascinating. And ultimately very freeing.

We can't force these things, they bubble up when we're ready, but yes a commitment to "rigorous self honesty" and a good tool kit will definitely help the process along! Yet, I have also found though I may be aware of some fear or anger or shame(I consider them "the 3 faces of pain"!), be so aware of the sensations associated with them and their origin, it can still take ages to unravel the hairball of memories, beliefs etc connected to them. It can feel like a spiral, revisiting traumas and wounds again and again at ever deeper layers...wasn't I already down this rabbit hole years ago?! Eventually we do hit bedrock! Self compassion is vital for this work.

 

[Baseball65]

Self compassion is vital for this work.

See...there you go! I don't know what that means.
The most effective way of dealing with anger I know of is beginning to get Socrates' "Shadow on the wall of the cave" and speculate about the angers I am NOT feeling by indulging the ones I AM ware of and surfing that feeling through a rage list in the Sarno Book. I don't know where 'compassion' comes into play there. In fact, a lot of the time when I consciously THINK I am being compassionate, I am actually really agitating that narcissistic raging ID Kid down there, and setting myself up for a new TMS outbreak.

I have opened the floodgates to anger and rage this last week. The scary emotions for me. I feel at my most vulnerable feeling anger; it feels so intimate

Like THAT....except It doesn't

leaving no space to feel safe

....I just think about returning to the reactive portion of my life and how I was pain free... I don't have to DO any of those things, but I certainly was not a NICE person...Becoming NICE and less of a Weeny has provoked symptoms for me so I just have to remember who I am down there in the Narcissistic hellhole. ....It's like that old 'Scared straight' idea...just knowing that all of that possibility of rage and out of control anger is there is usually enough to keep me good for a long time. Like visiting Criminals in a prison (LOL)

 

[ahri11]

I don't know where 'compassion' comes into play there.

Hmmm. There's a buddhist term that translates into english as "loving kindness". Sounds nice and all but there is very much a rigorous honesty involved. I use the word compassion like that. Contrary to popular western belief, buddhists aren't really interested in being "nice"
In the context of "opening the flood gates" to anger etc, compassion/loving kindness means providing myself a sense of safety in order to stay with it when the pain, emotions and thoughts are so intense. It keeps me "surfing"(if I understand you correctly)/riding the storm, instead of using any of my exit strategies or spinning out in shame and self hatred...ego's stories. Thanks, I will check out Sarno's rage list.

Like THAT....except It doesn't

what do you mean?

 

[Cactusflower]

See...there you go! I don't know what that means.
The most effective way of dealing with anger I know of is beginning to get Socrates' "Shadow on the wall of the cave" and speculate about the angers I am NOT feeling by indulging the ones I AM ware of and surfing that feeling through a rage list in the Sarno Book. I don't know where 'compassion' comes into play there. In fact, a lot of the time when I consciously THINK I am being compassionate, I am actually really agitating that narcissistic raging ID Kid down there, and setting myself up for a new TMS outbreak.
Like THAT....except It doesn't
....I just think about returning to the reactive portion of my life and how I was pain free... I don't have to DO any of those things, but I certainly was not a NICE person...Becoming NICE and less of a Weeny has provoked symptoms for me so I just have to remember who I am down there in the Narcissistic hellhole. ....It's like that old 'Scared straight' idea...just knowing that all of that possibility of rage and out of control anger is there is usually enough to keep me good for a long time. Like visiting Criminals in a prison (LOL)

@Baseball65 I think you can pretty easily get in touch with your inner rage, but I can't do that easily, and I think a lot of folks with TMS can not. Even to THINK they might have rage is difficult. That is exactly where self-compassion can come into play. To tell yourself it is absolutely OK to be enraged is a form of self-compassion. You aren't pushing it away, or burring it or otherwise telling yourself that the rage is not ok or is unacceptable.
I was taught that it is absolutely unacceptable to have or express any anger at anyone. That is wrong to feel any anger, and even worse, the WORST thing ever to express it.
Another way my self-compassion comes into play is with boundaries. Along with being told that anger isn't acceptable, I grew up thinking that I was not worthy of having boundaries. After all, others can be angry at me or rage at me and that is absolutely OK but it is not acceptable for me to say "no" to it. So setting boundaries in this case is very much a form of self-compassion, of self-love and preservation without throwing up defenses that instead of helping me say no, had me holding it all in (exactly how you describe that inner raging 5 year old).
I tell myself it is absolutely OK and normal to have those inner rage feelings, to express boundaries (which is still incredibly hard for me) and that I don't have to take anyone's shit. Self-compassion is just a form of loving oneself the way you love someone you really care for.