So angry with my mum

[Renate]

Ever since I realized 20 years ago how my childhood went and that my mother did not protect me from my father, I have an insane anger towards her.
She is now 92 years old and I would like to have a harmonious relationship with her. Who knows how long she will live?? This thought scares me very much. Nevertheless, as soon as I see her (once or twice a week) this huge anger rises up in me.

I have already talked to three therapists about it, meditated on it, practiced self talk when I go to visit her ("today I am calm and serene") - nothing works. Most of the time I can have normal conversations with her, but every time there is a point when I respond very irritably and unkindly to normally trivial things. Then I go home with a very bad conscience and feel guilty for hours. And of course these situations increase my pain a lot every time. (I am in pain since 12 years).

I have already thought if this anger could be the root of my pain, but it is not unconscious, I am very aware of it. I am really desperate because I don't know how to deal with this anger (that I don’t want).

 

[Renate]

I‘ ve already journaled about it and written unsent letters.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

This is good, @Renate. How about inner child work? I don't know much about it, but my breakthrough came when I somehow accessed very old, very distant and very vague memories of myself at around 4 or 5 years old, experiencing a profound sense of isolation from my parents. This was a revelation to me, and exploring the emotion, and the explanation, which was pretty innocuous (I've written about it in more detail very recently, but let's just say I had my parents all to myself for two years, then three more babies came along) helped fill in a lot of gaps in my emotional memory and sense of who I was and am.

And that's for someone who didn't need protection from a parent! So I wonder if you would benefit from early child work. Consider the issue of abandonment (evil cousin to isolation) and the fact that every child is born with the right to expect love and protection from their parents, and how it must feel to the child when those things are not provided, especially not provided from both parents, on top of some form of abuse from one of them? That's the worst betrayal there is.

There is a therapeutic practice called Existential Psychotherapy which is quite easy to understand, and which I have found incredibly useful in examining and processing strong emotions. Isolation and Abandonment are one aspect of the four key issues that affect us at all times. The others are Freedom, Meaning, and Mortality.

 

[Cactusflower]

@Renate
I’ve been through some of this with my relationship with my Mum who is older than yours.
What helped me is thinking about her relationship with her Mum, and how the Victorian notions of child raising, loosing children and stuffing emotions for propriety were still prevalent. My Mom is a bit narcissistic, and definitely has tms. It helped me be angry at the situation and accept my anger was ok, and helped me have a bit of compassion for my Mum. It’s a struggle with the narcissism, but it helped, at least it helped me understand why she can’t deal with feelings or emotions.
I think they key was accepting my anger is ok. It is totally understandable (my sibling feels the same way), and founded. Anyone in my situation would be angry. It’s also totally ok to love her and be angry. That was my conflict.
To that end, we only talk about day to stuff and not emotions. I have to deal with my anger towards her meanness to others, her constant underlaying anger and nothing ever being enough. Nichole Sachs has an early podcast about this type of mother/daughter struggle. It helped me a lot.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

It’s also totally ok to love her and be angry

Wow - yeah, I get this. Been there and done that. Looked at rationally, it should be a no-brainer, right, and yet it is quite a profound concept regarding parental relationships. It takes becoming aware of this possibility before we can consciously let go of the self-blame that we've unconsciously suffered with, often for decades. I suspect this is a universal human experience.

 

[Kana118]

Renate, I had one narcissist parent and another who had some narcissistic tendencies later in life. Something that helped me enormously to release my anger was the NARP program-Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program with Melanie Tonia Evans. She’s Australian. You can find info about the program online and you can do it all online. I would recommend this program highly. EFT -Emotional Freedom Technique- has also been helpful. Again look online-lots of videos explaining how to do it. Hang in there. I hope you can develop a better relationship with your mother.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Renate,
I really hear your inner conflict between the real, righteous anger---and the guilt about your anger. Or, I could say more strongly, perhaps your self-hate about your anger. And you notice symptoms.

To me this is classic psychological tension, as Dr. Sarno described. I think the guilt and self-hate are the place to put your inner work. Not the anger. I think we'll always feel anger for those who hurt us, until through grace, this might melt away. But you can work with the Inner Critic attacks, which I think are the essence of the Tension.

I take care of my elderly mother too, and I am unreasonably angry with her at times. (You sound reasonably angry ) The best I can do is have compassion for my human condition and forgive myself for the Inner Child who wants everything his way, and wants to be taken care of with love. That part of me is enraged at having to take care of Mom. In your case, you're pressuring yourself to be "nice" even though perhaps that is not the way you feel? In my case, since I am in some inner conflict with Mom almost all the time, the irritation will come out. I don't think it can be stopped. But the perfectionist/goodist says that it must not come out. I feel better when I realize I am just having a normal human experience, not ruining the world.

Good luck to you, and I love the specific suggestions by others.