Day 10 Slowly trucking along!

Hey everybody. Long time no see (again...) in my last post, I was talking about how I had some parties planned that I was nervous about, and how I was doing a test for a new job. I went to all of the parties I planned to and had a really good time! I don't think I've given myself enough props for achieving something that I was so scared of. Even in my uber ride to the party, I started feeling that hot rush of anxious fear throughout my body... but I got there, started talking to my friends, had a drink, and eventually relaxed!! And last weekend, I ended up driving almost an hour away (a big deal for me - usually I'm terrified and anxious about getting sick in the car) to eat at a cafe with friends, and then we spontaneously ended up having dinner too - I can't remember the last time I had an unplanned meal out. Wow!!

And, that test turned into a job INTERVIEW, which I thought went really well! The only problem is now they're "making their decision"... and it's going on 3 weeks since my interview!! My friends who've worked for this company in the past say this is normal - it's taken up to a month for them to tell somebody they got the job before - but I can't help being my worry-wart self. I have to admit I really want this! I have some freelance jobs lined up if it doesn't come through, but I have to be honest and say I will be really disappointed if I end up not getting this job.

Anyway, thinking back on why I even started this program, it seems really funny to me that I came here for wrist pain... like, what? I haven't gotten it all since the first day I read about TMS. It really seems like my digestive issues / IBS are my real TMS target! I ended up making an appointment at a Digestive Health center nearby - I think I will get further if I can really assure myself there is nothing "structurally" wrong in my system, and honestly I've never made an earnest attempt to figure this out medically. I've been distrustful of doctors since my primary care physician handled my problems really poorly (the only thing she ever did to try and diagnose my stomach issues was to give me a pregnancy test. This was when I was in 6th grade!!! Like, really?) But even though I'm going to a doctor like this, even if they do find something wrong, I'm perfectly positive TMS is part of it (making whatever it is worse), if not all of it. Seeing the good that journaling and thinking about my feelings has done for me has really had an impact on me!

Lastly, I wanted to ask if any of you seem to "block out" your old memories - it's REALLY hard for me to think back on my childhood. Not hard as in it makes me sad or evokes any other type of strong emotion - but I just don't feel like I have any memories of that time at all! I guess that's a way of dealing with things, to just ice them out... I wonder if they must be down there somewhere, but I'm also scared to push too hard to remember them - in a class I took in college I remember we talked about a lot of the "childhood memories" that people come up with in therapy sometimes just turn out to be total fabrications... but I guess it also shows how much I trust myself if I'm just assuming I'm going to make something up!

Anyway, if anybody else has sort of that icy, lonely personality when it comes to dealing with trouble, I'd like to hear what kind of success, if any, you've had in looking back on past experiences!!

Thanks as always for taking the time to read my story.

 

Hi, Mouse. What works for me in TMS journaling is to discover a repressed emotion, feel it for a few moments, and then forget about it. I think my subconscious gets it, as I recognize the emotion, and it doesn't need me to think on it again. So that is how I "block out" old memories that created emotional problems. Dr. Sarno says we don't have to solve any repressed emotion, just recognize it.

 

Hi Mouse,

Excellent news on the succeses, we're all proud of you. Keep it up. Please focuss on your successes, these are tremendous milestones and shouldn't go without recognition.

With regards to the new job, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. I hope you manage to secure the post.

I'd like to also echo what Walt has said, journal about the specific topic in full and then let go of it. If you find the subject keeps coming up and that it has a huge hold on you, I'd suggest exploring mindfullness meditation. This will allow you to create a safe space between you and a thought, one where you acknowledge, but don't react. One of complete awareness.

 

Awesome news, Mouse - congratulations!

Here's what I discovered when I was doing the SEP. During those exercises where you're asked to quickly make a list of things to write about, I realized that my brain was saying things like "Oh, don't write THAT down, that's not important". Or, even better "Oh, no, don't write THAT down, that's too embarrassing". I had to literally force myself to take my pen and write those things down. Then, of course, I had to write about them later on, in detail. And they were very revealing about what I was like and how I felt as a child. They weren't earth-shattering and they weren't traumatic - but those were the incidents, or the times in my life that really allowed me to get in touch with who I was as a child.

Being totally honest in your journaling - that's what I recommend!

Keep up the great work, and fingers crossed that you get that job!

~Jan