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Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by ashcatash, Dec 3, 2012.

  1. ashcatash

    ashcatash New Member

    So today I get my master's degree in the mail. I've worked for this for 3 years and was really excited about it.

    Should have known better. I show it to my dad and the first thing he says is, "What? It's not "cum laude"? I thought you'd graduate with honors." Then he sighs and walks out of the room.

    Yeah, I'm the failure. Like I've been all my life.
     
  2. Walt Oleksy

    Walt Oleksy Beloved Grand Eagle

    You're not a failure. Sounds like your dad is a failure as a father. He may be jealous of your accomplishment.

    When I was a teenager, my father used to put me down in front of his friends. I never knew why
    but now I think he had TMS and was taking his anger out on me. And they were all drinking at the time.
     
  3. veronica73

    veronica73 Well known member

    Hi Ashcatash,
    Congratulations on your degree--that's great!
    I'm sorry to hear about your dad's reaction. That sounds really enraging...but it doesn't need to lead to pain now that you know about TMS.
    Imagine that one of your friends told you his dad said this to him--how would you respond? Maybe you can say some of those same supportive things to yourself.

    Hope you can do something fun to celebrate your master's!

    :) Veronica
     
  4. Lala

    Lala Well known member

    Congrats on your degree. I know your Father's reaction was very hurtful and disappointing...his reaction was also a trigger for all your past pain and rejection (from your Father and others in your life). You can't change your Father. You can only change how you react to his hurtful, thoughtless, and disappointing remarks. Detach with love my friend...you can love your father and at the same time learn to accept that he is not capable of meeting your emotional needs, and may never be able to...but you are no longer a child, no longer dependent on his acceptance for your feelings of self worth. You are a grown person and you can CHOOSE to love and accept yourself regardless of how incapable he may be of showing you love. You can choose to find other people (friends, lovers, other family members) who do love you, who do treat you with respect, and who do accept you and honor your achievements with great enthusiasm. Will this fill the emotional hole that your Father has created, perhaps not, but you can't spend your life beating yourself up for your Father shortcomings...which is what it really is...this is NOT about you not being worthy of love, its about your Father not loving himself enough to know how to love his children. Detach with love and have compassion for your Father, who is obviously in great pain himself. When we are hurtful, emotional detached, judgement and critical of others, all we are doing is projecting our own pain and disappointment in ourselves onto others. Work on forgiving yourself and your Dad and then go out and celebrate your amazing achievement!

    Good mantra: "I forgive you for not being the person I want you to be. I forgive you and I set you free." and then say (like 1,000x a day), "I love and approve of myself."....give yourself the love and support you deserve...self love..it all comes down to self love!
     
    Bryn Morgan likes this.
  5. veronica73

    veronica73 Well known member

    This is great!
     
  6. Lala

    Lala Well known member

    it is a widely used al-anon affirmation...forgiveness is hard...but it is a gift we give to ourselves and with it the lettting go of unmet expectations. : )
     
    veronica73 likes this.
  7. Beach-Girl

    Beach-Girl Well known member

    Hi ashcatash:

    Congrats big time on your degree. Did you do this for your father or did you do it for yourself? Parental rejection or their "art of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time" can be a real drag. Or it can be a real blessing. I bet you have others in your life who WILL celebrate this with you. Priorities are important here. You did it! It's done! You rock! Not many get this wonderful milestone in their academic life. I certainly didn't.

    Have a little party for yourself and repeat Lala's affirmation. YOU did it. Not your dad. At some point we have to stop giving power to the things our parents say to us. At some point we get to own our accomplishments and our failures. And what our parents have to say should make no difference. It still hurts, but we have to let it go.

    The only person whose reaction you have control of is your own. Aren't you doing a happy dance for what's coming in the mail?

    BG
     

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