Short (well, sort of) story of pain

[Manjuno]

It didn't seem abrupt at all. Actually, you mentioned a very important issue that might have triggered the TMS for me - aging and mortality. The symptoms actually began at the same time I started stressing out about my moving from "youth stage" to... whatever stage comes next. I was obsessing about it, frankly speaking. There's so many things and experiences I've missed on in my life (due to autism, being raised in dysfunctional family etc.) and now I'm slowly approaching 40? But I feel like 25. How do I make up for the lost time? How do I experience those things I should have done in my twenties when it's clearly too late? Am I really happy with where I am right now? Isn't this the last chance to turn my life around? Will I ever be truly happy?

 

[JanAtheCPA]

and now I'm slowly approaching 40? But I feel like 25.

LOL, I'm going to be 72 shortly, and although I no longer feel like 25, I sure as heck look at 72 and go "WTF!!!! How did THAT happen?????

I remember a boss who once told me that time seems to fly by faster as we get older - she was probably forty-something, and I was in my twenties, and now I know exactly what she was talking about almost 50 years ago.

As an analytical person (like me) you might be interested in a therapy which I find incredibly useful and easy to process (and to learn about). It's called Existential Psychotherapy, and it addresses our emotions as they affect what are called the "four key issues" of humanity. These are: Isolation (or Abandonment), Meaning, Freedom, and Mortality. I wrote more extensively about it a couple of years ago here (one of my many saved bookmarks): Who all journaled in their healing process

 

[JanAtheCPA]

How do I make up for the lost time? How do I experience those things I should have done in my twenties when it's clearly too late?

You know, here is where the internet can be truly useful. I would just google something like "how to let go of regrets" and see what you find. Lots and lots of resources. I tried it and was not surprised to find a Psychology Today article on this topic - those are usually a very good and authoritative place to start.

Am I really happy with where I am right now? Will I ever be truly happy?

Ah, these are big human questions, for sure. These form the basis of the study of philosophy. I'm probably misquoting or misinterpreting, but I believe that Buddhism, in particular, tells us that life is suffering, and it's basically our job to acknowledge the suffering without giving in to it, and to appreciate where we are and what we have anyway.

Isn't this the last chance to turn my life around?

Never! Many of us have done it decades older than you are now!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I've also noticed that I am closest to being relaxed when I'm all alone and don't have any responsibilities to take care of at the moment. I'm wondering if I'm actually built to live alone and have everything around me organized the way I want to have a sense of orderliness. On the other hand, I tried that in the past and it didn't seem to work that well... It just resulted in my distancing myself from the people and having an increasingly hard time interacting with them. But when I'm around people for X hours everyday, I get annoyed by them, even by my close ones. I still can't quite grasp what is my optimal environment, so to speak.

This is a topic that I can relate to in a few different ways. I've lived alone a LOT in my life, and I prefer it. Once I was out of uni I lived almost entirely on my own, then with my husband from, let's see, age 35 to 58. I have been quite happily alone again since then. I have to be mindful of the risk of Isolation (one of those four key human issues), so I stay connected in my condominium community by volunteering on several committees, I have a weekly walk with friends, I have two online yoga/balance classes every week with a group of people and our wonderful teacher, and I almost always have one social "date" every week to go out or Zoom with all kinds of friends and acquaintances.

Actually, both my mother and my much older paternal half-sister both did the same - divorced in their late 50s, happily and actively single and living alone ever after. My mother was 93 when she died in 2014, my sister is 85 and going to sell her house and build a cottage on her son's property where she will still have her own space. Like you, I prefer being alone when I'm in my own space, without someone else getting in the way and doing things that are not to my liking, and I might be like one of my brothers in that way.

So our family members came to realize not all that long ago (like in the last twenty years, maybe) that our next-older brother is undoubtedly somewhere on the Asberger's spectrum (two years younger than me, so he hit 70 this year, and good god, how did THAT happen to my little brother?) Brilliant, very successful and well-liked in his field, but socially he was clearly not the same as the rest of us when we were teenagers and in college, and he sometimes struggled with strange anger that seemingly came out of nowhere. I love him a lot, and because he was the second kid, he was my "buddy" and we shared intellectual interests that the two younger ones had no interest in (such as science fiction and strategic games like chess). He's also always been hard to get along with, because he can be very inflexible and demanding, with high expectations and low empathy regarding others. He is married to his college girlfriend, who suffers from a horribly abusive childhood (mentally ill and physically abusive mother who was eventually institutionalized). My brother has basically spent more than 40 years taking care of her because she is physically and emotionally so fragile. This role clearly suits him - and although he doesn't live alone, it would seem that he can exert a lot of control over his environment, making sure that it supports his wife, who spends most of her time reading and not demanding much from him. Well, that wouldn't work for me, so maybe I'm not that much like him.

My brother is a rather extreme example of someone with autism finding the right environment while living with someone. It certainly takes some mindfulness and some effort to maintain a connection with others when living alone, but lots of people do it. They say that there are more and more permanently single people around, and amentities are being created to serve them.

 

[Manjuno]

First of all, thank you for your time and attention, JanAtheCPA. I'm very grateful. You've opened some new perspectives and leads for me.

I believe that Buddhism, in particular, tells us that life is suffering, and it's basically our job to acknowledge the suffering without giving in to it, and to appreciate where we are and what we have anyway.

That's my problem too. I still remember the times where life was good, painless and the suffering was at a very bearable level. Now I'm all about trying to get back to that state, which prevents me from accepting my current situation. If it used to be fine, how can I settle for anything less? I'm sure this reasoning is somehow faulty.

The kind of life you chose really appeals to me. Social interactions as something I get to do whenever I feel like it and not on an all-the-time basis. I find it that when I live with someone or simply spend time in their presence, I begin to feel responsible for their mood, feelings etc. Consequently, when someone I care about is suffering, I'm co-suffering and it adds to my own suffering making it very difficult to bear. It's easier when I'm on my own. That's probably one of the reasons I don't have kids - I imagine this would be an emotional overload. This is the weird autistic empathy - people think you don't care because it doesn't show, while actually you care too much and it overwhelms you. Also, I'm naturally drawn to women with similar issues (of course) so my partner is a constant sufferer too. There are days when we just snap at each other arguing about which of us is in more pain and in a more miserable state. On the plus side, we "get" each other. We can relate. But all in all I think we both have an enormous need for someone to take care of us and we both lack strength to take care of each other as we use too much energy focusing on our own pain. It's complicated, I guess.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

This is the weird autistic empathy - people think you don't care because it doesn't show, while actually you care too much and it overwhelms you

This is profound, @Manjuno. It also brought back memories of conversations with my brother when we were just barely out of university. I believe he was telling me the same thing. I haven't thought about that in a long time.

That's probably one of the reasons I don't have kids - I imagine this would be an emotional overload.

OMG, this too! I totally relate to this! In fact, I had a pretty cynical outlook very early on (my best friend from university remembers well) which was essentially "I'm not sure I want to inflict all of "this"on someone else..." Where "this" was those big existential questions of life, particularly human life, with our knowledge of mortality and our search for meaning. Although I did enjoy working with kids - older ones. When I was married we fostered several teenagers, which is story in itself. By the time they were that age, we bore no responsibility for their previous childhood experiences, in addition to not being responsible for their very existence.

What a life, eh? This has been a very interesting conversation, to be sure. And interesting conversations with other people - at a time of our choosing, of course - is one of the great pleasures of life.

~Jan

 

[Manjuno]

Speaking of profound, JanAtheCPA, I think tonight something important and perhaps even game-changing happenned.

I was getting ready to bed and came across a discussion on the forum where somoeone describes my symptoms. Not just similar ones, it's exactly the same case! At first I was like "wow, I'm not alone in this" but a few seconds later I got to the part where they described being diagnosed by the doctors with something that wasn't even considered in my case (okay, it actually was considered, but dismissed quickly). And then it struck: "What if I actually have this structural problem and the doctors missed it?", "It might not be TMS after all", "I should schedule a visit and have myself tested again", "But what if it's too late after such a long time has passed?", "What if it's all about a missed diagonosis and I've been just distracting myself with the whole TMS theory?" And in that instant I felt the pain increasing. Thirty minutes later it was so unbearable, I knew I won't be able to sleep tonight. In just half an hour it got from 5-6/10 to 9/10. That got me panicking, the whole world started spinning and anxiety hit hard.
As I was calming myself down, the realization emerged:

1. I hadn't had such a strong pain attack for weeks.
2. I hadn't had a sleepless night for weeks.
3. I hadn't had this kind of anxiety attack for weeks.
4. I almost tangibly felt as if those doubting thoughts fed the anxiety. As if it had been looking for some loop in my thought process to kick in and it has just found one.
5. The anxiety is so closely tied to the pain that the anxiety itself almost feels like pain (I don't know if it makes sense). The pain without the anxiety component doesn't seem that scary.
6. You can't really tell how much in pain you are compared to some previous onsets as it seems like the memory doesn't store that very well. What I'm saying is, you may think you're in as much pain as you were before but when the provious pain returns, you realise it was definitely stronger than how you remebered it and it actually went down.

And as I lay there, in bed, with pain and anxiety, I couldn't help but smile because it seemed kinda pathetic - the brain's desperate attempts to build upon my doubt were so obvious. It wasn't even trying to conceal it. And sure enough, it was a rough night but I did get some sleep after all just to wake up with the kind of bellyache that you get when you're just about to perform on stage and you have this anxiety, where your body is telling you "let's get the heck out of here!".

So, for those struggling: after three weeks of delving into TMS, I can say it has an effect one me, no doubt about that. Up until tonight I thought it just helps you deal with the pain at a psychological level so that you could still do and enjoy things even with the pain lingering. Now I see that the work I've done so far actually made it hurt less. Not to some great extent but I would say it went down by about 20, maybe 25%. It's difficult to estimate as it also seems like the pain itself started panicking because it shifts from one place to another almost all the time. It's literally all over the place. Every morning it spins this wheel of misfortune and I never know what the tip will land on this time. One day I can have pain in my left spinal erectors that makes it hard to lean or bend my body. The next day it's gone and my left shoulder takes up the baton. On the third day , I have so much pain in my lower back that it's difficult to sit. Then, there's the all-star rectal pain (the one that started it all) that gets worse after passing stool, only sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes it starts on a defecation free day, just like that.

There's one thing I know for sure as I've proved it to myself empirically: doing things despite the pain makes it hurt less than giving up to pain and avoiding activities. It may not be obvious during the first days of trying this but in time it becomes clearer.

Also, yesterday I ran 7k and my time wasn't the worst so I can see myself slowly returning to the results I had before I gave up running due to doctors' advice.

Also also, I've just realised I started this thread on April 1. There's got be some kind of irony hidden here.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Awesome, @Manjuno, just awesome.

And this

I've just realised I started this thread on April 1. There's got be some kind of irony hidden here.

 

[Manjuno]

Tomorrow I have a scheduled laser warts removal and I'm beginning to stress out. I know I'm very much capable of making an imagined pain real. As soon as I think my condition can generate lasting pain, it does. And now I'm going to worry if this procedure will cause some permanent pain in the area.

As this removal isn't really urgent, I'm wondering if I should do it or just save it for after I regain my psychological balance. Or perhaps giving in to such fears is how I let the TMS win and I shouldn't let the fear discourage me?

 

[JanAtheCPA]

As this removal isn't really urgent, I'm wondering if I should do it or just save it for after I regain my psychological balance.

Hmmm, I would not recommend this. Your brain could easily turn this into an excuse to never regain your psychological balance, and thus never have the procedure done. Win-Win for your fearful brain - leaving you.... well, stuck, right?

perhaps giving in to such fears is how I let the TMS win and I shouldn't let the fear discourage me?

This one. This is the positive, constructive, and progressive choice to make.

I've been getting dental crowns somewhat regularly since my 40s, and I have always been a horrible dental patient: clenched, fearful, and requiring extra shots of lidocaine or whatever it is, before my dentist can work on me without having me yelping. I don't mind shots, but I am scared shitless of dental nerve pain, which I experienced a lot in the 1950s when all they had was novacaine, and as a skinny little kid they were only allowed to give me a certain amount. And this was before fluoride toothpaste was invented, so our whole family had a LOT of cavities in spite of good brushing habits (I was age ten when Crest toothpaste came on the market, and our dentist told my parents to get it NOW - which miraculously stopped the cavities, but it didn't stop my fear, which came roaring back when my aging teeth started to require attention and had to be drilled, ugh).

Anyway, thanks to my late-in-life TMS skills and knowing how to talk back to my brain and soothe it with safety messages, I can now manage with the standard dose of the painkiller. My dentist is thankful, since he doesn't have to stop the procedure and wait for multiple doses to take effect!

Mind you, I've also had two root canals - and I happily pay the extra fee to get nitrous during those

 

[Manjuno]

Thank you for the advice. This makes total sense. I'll let the doctor performing the procedure resolve my doubts.

 

[Manjuno]

I've been following the TMS lead for a month now. Here's the recap:

- there was some initial success and the pain did seem to subside a little bit but it didn't progress from there and I feel like I'm stuck;
- the TMS approach and all the great advice I've read here helped me cope with the pain: I'm not focusing on it constantly anymore and I'm asking myself a lot of questions about my emotional state instead of my body condition;
- I stopped avoiding doing things and it paid off as I actually feel better getting things done than laying in bed and catastrophizing;
- I'm doing sports again and every training is actually a highlight of my day - those are the moments when the pain seems at it's lowest;
- I've been journalling but, interestingly, it doesn't really evoke any strong emotions even though I'm writing about my traumas and most painful moments I have experienced;
- I'm doing the Educational/Recovery program and I'm reading "Pain Free for Life" at the moment;
- I stopped doing physiotherapy (it wasn't helpful anyway) and everything else that involved visiting doctors etc.

All this said, the pain is still there and it keeps making my life complicated as it hits the most when I'm working. I feel this is lowering my productivity and consequently I'm earning less than I theoretically would without the pain (my job is a piecework so the more I do, the more I earn). Whenever I sit down to do my job, the pain sets in in a matter of minutes. Sometimes I'm working teary-eyed and use all my willpower to push through despite the pain.

I know what you're gonna say: "be patient". The thing is I really feel stuck. I almost physically feel a barrier that prevents me from making progress. Whatever I try, it seems to be working on a psychological level but doesn't translate into pain relief. I'm calmer, more mindful, more active and... still in pain.

So basically the difference is:
- before finding about TMS I was in pain that prevented me from living my life;
- after finding TMS: I'm living my life despite being in pain;
- the outcome I had hoped for: the pain goes away and I'm able to live AND enjoy my life.

 

[Cactusflower]

You are doing so well!
It’s interesting you say that the pain almost feels physical - well of course it does! That is the distraction. You mention you are almost crying. Are you internally pushing, or forcing during that time? Can you say “I accept how hard this is for me mentally, to sit here now” (or some such thing). Even ask your body: why do you hurt now, in an inquisitive way?
Have you journaled about your job? Do you stop for a bit after writing and just sit with what you wrote? You might feel emotion or not. You can also ask “what do I feel in my body? - because emotion is tied to physical sensation. Sometimes we’re not used to letting ourself feel that - and sometimes some people don’t. It’s all ok, as long as you just accept that’s how you are.
Is there a way to make your job more enjoyable - in other words, sometimes a distraction from the pain is necessary. I too struggle to not constantly think physical. I use soft relaxing music in headphones, or free audio books (my library has them but there are also websites with them). I have another friend who listens to the radio and memorizes lyrics as her distraction.

 

[Manjuno]

Are you internally pushing, or forcing during that time? Can you say “I accept how hard this is for me mentally, to sit here now” (or some such thing). Even ask your body: why do you hurt now, in an inquisitive way?

I think most of the time I do accept it or rather everytime I feel like I do, the brain finds some way to throw me off-balance. It turns on some new pain (in my right knee lately, after I stretched my leg dynamically) or makes the pain I already know feel a bit different or hit stronger.

Have you journaled about your job?

This seems like an interesting lead actually. I always thought I loved my work. It took me years to finally get the job I had always dreamed of. And honestly, my pain issues started soon after. It often feels like my brain's doing everything to discourage me from doing my job. Pain is one thing. But I'm also struggling hard with procrastination and distraction. While working, I have to constantly check my mail, social media, this forum, brew some tea, have a coffee, have a snack... Basically, I can't focus on doing what I though I loved for more than 5 minutes at a time! At the same time I have no problem focusing on other activities so it's not some general issue with my attention span.

My first guess would be this is because of my radically perfectionist nature. While working, I'm constantly stressed that I would make a mistake and someone would point it out, which will be embarassing to me. This approach may be sucking all the fun out of what I do. Needless to say, I set myself much higher standards than my co-workers and I would even risk saying, much higher than actually required for my position. My results are often praised and I'm being told I'm a great employee, which probably results in a mindset "They think so highly of me, I can't possibly let them down now!". I remember years ago, in another job, someone pointed a simple and pretty irrelevant mistake that I did - I immediatelly got paralyzed and couldn't utter a word out of embarassment. I guess I learned to manage this but then I got my dream work and perhaps the pressurre to excel was just to big. That's the only factor in my life I can pinpoint when thinking about the onset of my ailments. Another one was a high-stakes competition I participated in. The pain and anxiousness suddenly hit me out of nowhere when I was in the middle of a tournament game. The pain was so strong and sudden that it got me into some kind of shock. Of course, I've lost almost every single game and consequently dropped that hobby because of the traumatic nature of the whole experience.

 

[Manjuno]

To conclude, I believe my self-esteem is subconsciously directly related to my results in whatever I'm doing. In my mind my worth is defined by how useful and capable I am. That doesn't sound very healthy.

I never just do things. I need to do them the best way possible. I can't just go for a run, I need to give it my all to get the best time. I can't play a game for fun - I need to do everything possible to win, even when I'm playing against eight-year-olds. Talk about pressure, eh?

And now the best part: I took a break from working to write these two replies and the pain momentarily went down. I also didn't need any kind of distraction while writing these posts. Ha.

 

[Cactusflower]

“My first guess would be this is because of my radically perfectionist nature. While working, I'm constantly stressed that I would make a mistake and someone would point it out, which will be embarassing to me. This approach may be sucking all the fun out of what I do. “
Excellent! Go down that path! Can you look back and see when this began to develop and why? Have you read up a bit on perfectionism? Today Dani Fagan a tms yoga coach posted that perfectionism is a protective mechanism that keeps us from feeling shame. When I’m your life might have shame (it could be other things) have had to be hidden and not felt? It may have 0 to do with your job but for some reason that same stress/feeling is evoked.
Yesterday I had a new knee pain. I had been standing with locked knees for an hour.. a friend continued to discuss what is for me, triggering stuff even after I asked him to stop.. as soon as I got that pain “Tms” - it does not matter why it hurts, this is just tms and my thoughts about why or when ended. It’s harder with some other of my sharp, fast pain but it’s worth it to keep working on the psychological re-framing.
“I believe my self-esteem is subconsciously directly related to my results in whatever I'm doing. In my mind my worth is defined by how useful and capable I am. ”
Awesome!
Can you find ways to “begin making mistakes” not in work but other areas of life and practice letting it go? Eg my phone autocorrects. I used to go back and edit these posts. I fear “looking stupid” - I stopped editing them out. My job requires editing, I used to make things sound perfect. Now I allow mistakes because I realized that sounds more real, more relateable, more endearing and more human.

 

[Manjuno]

When I’m your life might have shame (it could be other things) have had to be hidden and not felt?

I think I do feel shame. And I think I know where that comes from. I'd say this is connected to me being ACA and mo coping mechanism from childhood (in short: I was pretending everything was fine when it wasn't).

Can you find ways to “begin making mistakes” not in work but other areas of life and practice letting it go?

This sounds weirdly exciting. Like doing something taboo. I'd like to try that and see how it feels.

 

[Manjuno]

And I refuse to correct that typo I now see in my previous entry.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Well now, I think I need to look more seriously at the constant battle between my irrational need for perfectionism and my rational desire to let things go.

Awesome discussion, @Manjuno and @Cactusflower!

 

[Cactusflower]

I think I do feel shame. And I think I know where that comes from. I'd say this is connected to me being ACA and mo coping mechanism from childhood (in short: I was pretending everything was fine when it wasn't).

Awesome! Insite! Who were you trying to please? When do these feelings come up again in your life now?

This sounds weirdly exciting. Like doing something taboo. I'd like to try that and see how it feels.

excellent!

If you are on fb I suggest “liking” my tms journey or Dani Fagan and Phil de la Hay and/ or the SiRPA page - don’t join the groups ( it’s not needed, you already found your group!) but watch their daily insights. They post amazingly reflective things that are so helpful.