Day 1 Short history and level of acceptance

[Hedger]

Age 25-30 IBS, pelvis pain, back pain, neck pain
Age 31-34 Pain in hip, back, neck and upper leg. Almost exclusively on my right side of the body. (IBS free!)

I have visited chiropractor frequently the last years and it is a great relief for a while, but after 1-4 weeks the pain is back and my body is misaligned due to the muscle tension. I have accepted that this is a temporary symptom treatment. Also working with Physio therapy and working out.

I have never been on sick leave from work due to my pain, but it does consume a big part of my thoughts which is a big burden on my mood and motivation.

During my reading and listening to the material in "TMS recovery program" I both cried and had visual rage fantasy, and the day after I had no pain. Until... I got anger/irritated feelings in a conversation and I could feel muscle tension building up again and soon the pain came.

I have for quite some time accepted that my symptoms are stress related. But I have more called that pressure at work and in private life, not my actual feelings of anger, sadness etc. that could also be from other things. The audio recordings in the TMS recovery program was extremely insightful to me.

I have worries how to process feelings due to the burden of having a young kid (which is off course great, but also difficult) and an injured wife. My feelings are justified, but can't e.g. take anger out on a small child. Not bottle it up, not lashing out, but process it in a healthy way. Hopefully I will learn.

 

[hecate105]

The stress you feel from work and private life is likely to have a deeper level that you carry from childhood.... the TMS recovery prog and the SEP have ways to find out what these triggers are and what they are caused by. Then you have to work our=t yourself how best to deal with them.... TMS recovery is a lot about taking respeonnsibility for your own health - physically, mentally and emotionally.. Personally I had to process a huge amount of anger - which took me months....I had to put that time to heal first - before work, before family.. and I had to avoid some people who were part of the problem... for a few months... After i had processed i was able to resume normal life...
So - if you find what is the best way for you to deal with issues - it may be journalling or meditations - which are easier to do and still be effective in family life - or you may need to go out somewhere and and do a violent sport or howl at the moon (we are all different!) whatever it is you need to make space in your life for it - because it is necessary - and as time goes on you will then get that time back and be better for it. Also you will be a far better parent as you will understand more about how we build up stress and be able to help your child not do that..!!

 

[Hedger]

Thanks for your comment, it really feels good that someone answered! I agree with what you are saying.

I´m not sure yet, but I think one big problem is that I have put a lid on my feelings all my adult life and just power through to do more (high achiever in all aspects) or not be an inconvenience (be nice). Surely childhood had an impact on that (but I think I did feel my emotions more back then, at least in the years before high school).

I don't really have a specific traumatic experience, more like choices putting stress on me and building up for a long time - very difficult university 5 years, high performance job with over seas travels & previous relationship very bad for me. But all were my own choices and also choices to stay. I remember the last years in my previous relationship, that's when the IBS was bad. I was very unhappy but still didn't cry for like two years. Bottled it all up. Thinking about it now that is just crazy.

I think all these jointly came back to a fear of failure and the best I could be. I did not leave my relationship in a timely manner, but first went through many years extra of pain and unhappiness, just because I was afraid to fail "at love" and have to start over single in my late 20's. I was probably feeling that it would be very embarrassing to admit it didn't work out. Which I had to do anyway...

Like you wrote, I also feel a lot of anger. I also feel quite a bit of fear, maybe getting in my way to fully relax.

I have been off work for 6 months to take care of my 1.5 year old and that´s actually been very good for me. One thing to focus on (not work etc.). Pain level has been reducing slowly during this time. I can relate to what you write, I have been thinking many times that the priority in my parenthood will be to make him feel loved, good about him self and have high self esteem, not achievement oriented. He seems to be thriving so far which makes me happy (sleeping well, eating well, happy, likes other children etc.).

I have a few month before work starts again so I will definitely prioritize both old and current emotions. Journaling already started and doing the SEP.

Thanks for supporting me by commenting and advice! I appreciate it

 

[Hedger]

Ok update:

I just sat down to write 3 "items in past events and experiences". Ended up writing 10 from adolescence in 15 minutes. Mostly still very angry at older brother for treatment, some at father. Sadness for one event with my mother when I made her sad and she ran into the bathroom crying (like first and last time that happened from something I said, so it was unusual).

When it comes to older brother, I know I was a pain in the ass sometimes, but I still thinks someone 4 years older should be able to handle that better. But I don't know, maybe that is too much to ask when both are in adolescence with hormones, insecurities and shit. It´s a messy time.

Still have to process a lot of childhood stuff though.

 

[hecate105]

There will always be stuff that stressed us - like your bro stressing you (i have same with my sister!) whether it was wrong or right for him or you - the important thing is to recognise the stress it caused you... its difficult to explain - and difficult to do...! We will all experience anger/fear/sadness at others behaviour or perceived behavior - we don't need to hold it against them or feel guilty if we feel it was our fault - all humans will impact on all their family/friends etc - the trick is understanding how that process happened, accepting it and dealing with the anger/sadness/fear/guilt/resentment that it made us have...then seeing where present day situations 'trigger' the same feelings in us - or trigger us to close down/close off - 'repress' the feelings..... then with that understanding we can heal - we do not need to express the repressed emotions as pain - or other symptoms... It means you have to encourage a huge amount of compassion for yourself - which leads to compassion for others and - suddenly you find you are a more thoughtful/less judgemental/balanced human being...! Trouble is - you see other people around you putting their repressed emotions into symptoms and they often do not want to hear it!! So you learn a lot of patience too.....!! good luck

 

[hollywood]

Hedger:

You sound just like me. Career, Kids Wife ect.

I had suffered from chronic daily headaches for nearly two years about seven years ago. I saw all types of doctors and did all forms of treatments with no success. So I just went about my life and one day when I did not even know it my headaches vanished. I could not even remember the day ,it was just gone. Real strange!

About fifteen months ago I developed daily pelvic pain after a stressful time in my life. Since I learned about TMS I have come to realize that this makes the most sense.
So her I am on first day of SEP!