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Shingles on the heels of a migraine?

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Bodhigirl, Jan 7, 2017.

  1. Bodhigirl

    Bodhigirl Well known member

    I didn't know if I should call this "Living with Aspergers" or "Shingles on the heels of a migraine?"
    I am in pain.
    Emotional. Physical.
    I hate to say it but I think it was the darkness of the holiday season and having my husband home for 12 days in a row. Stress. Tons of intermittent stress with lots of loving, kind fun in between.
    It's an intense relationship and has been for years. Add the current political world picture of which I am acutely aware of.
    Damn, I had been doing so well!!

    I have had years of no back pain, no foot pain, no stomach pain.
    New Years Eve day I got a migraine and it lasted, on and off, in clusters for six days. I told it I could handle the feelings I felt toward my husband and that I didn't need the pain to be expressed through the body.
    The headache abated.
    Throughout, I exercised, meditated, ate right, did everything I do to maintain emotional health.
    Then, yesterday I felt funny in my middle back. Tingling, itching and my intuition said uh-oh. I did the TMS chant. I don't need my body to feel my feelings, there is no rabbit in the hat, I don't need magical somatization to express anger.
    We were having bigger than normal stress in our house. More high conflict. Travel plans and his procrastinating and then blaming me for his unhappiness.
    My husband is a high-functioning Aspie. He melts down. He is very successful, incredibly smart and really doesn't think he has a problem -- it's just me.
    So, I adapt. I have been adapting for years. I have support. I am not leaving...
    So, instead of saying, "Look, we need a diagnosis and treatment here. There is an Asperger's elephant in the living room and it's hurting us," I hang in there and adjust and recalibrate and adjust.

    I have years of Alanon in my background, I know I cannot change another person, which is why I haven't forced it.
    But now shingles?
    I got them a dozen years ago when my mom died. The day she died. I know how they feel and I got the medication right away. It's real, not TMS but I believe it's brought on by my immunity dropping and the virus taking the opportunity to arise.
    I met with a therapist who specializes in Asperger's and she helped me get some tools for coping and I was feeling really good about my skills, about the future.
    I just feel like such a failure right now.
    My heart is just broken.
    I don't believe in leaving because things get tough. I've been there before a long, long time ago and it's really not a solution. The work is inside me...

    So I park my pain here. The triggers, the truth, the grief and my attendant physical drama. What a challenge this is. Breathing in, breathing out. Just so terribly sad and defeated tonight.

    Thanks for listening.

    Last edited: Jan 8, 2017
  2. riverrat

    riverrat Well known member

    You're going to be OK! Trust in yourself. We all are going to be OK.
    I won't say I understand your situation with your husband because it's not the same as mine. But my marriage is very rocky and I know that stress from that ( among other things) is adding to the pain. I'm sorry you're going through similar emotions.
    mike2014 and Bodhigirl like this.
  3. richard13

    richard13 Peer Supporter

    Yowww, bodhigirl...some serious dukkha has come your way (wave upon wave)! Takes a lot of strength to lay it all out there so honestly the way you did...sounds like you are of the "tough times don't last, but tough people do" incarnation, so, hope you can tenderly hold your broken heart and continue breathing in, breathing out, breathing in, breathing out...giving yourself the forgiveness that you give others...as your heart (and you) heals/becomes whole again. As the old Buddhist car salesman used to say: "pain comes standard, suffering is optional"...namaste...r
    mike2014 and Bodhigirl like this.
  4. Bodhigirl

    Bodhigirl Well known member

    Thank you for your kind replies. I accepted my diagnosis immediately for the shingles instead of doing magical thinking. Some stuff is real, albeit brought on by tension.
    I went deeper into my ownership of my victim role - an unimaginable gift of long-term marriage - for me - to reveal deeper pain around my father. There is no there, there. There is no comfort in arriving with this process, or any process... it's not a marathon with a finish line. As one of my patients said, brilliantly, re: PTSD with a special needs family: "The is no Post."
    Grateful for you guys. For One Day at A Time. For willingness and honesty and openmindedness and even showing up for work with a new physical trainer yesterday and meeting my tired bones where they were and going a little further.
    My TMS wants me to be in bed the rest of my life, waiting to die.
    It's absurd, really. But without giving it a voice, it persists in its story of "Lie down! Rest! You are so so SO TIRED of LIFE... There... There... lying down... never have to get up again!"
    I felt I was in the wrong life and wrong body when I was eight. Not trans-anything, just not at one with my body and aware that it had a life of its own. Today, after 30+ years of yoga, I am as tuned as I likely can be.
    There is no Post but there are solutions for today.
    Thanks for listening. Let's breathe together, shall we?
  5. Bodhigirl

    Bodhigirl Well known member

    Talk about serious dukkha!
    It's months later, I took a horrible fall eight days ago - landed on my coccyx and sits bones from five feet in the air and I HURT FOR REAL and wow, there is some rage in me. My horse bolted unexpectedly. We were at a gentle, meditative walk or I might be hospitalized or worse. Thankful for that.
    I am so angry about being waylaid. I am fighting this. In the midst of it, my older horse colicked and was hospitalized... he just got home from the hospital today. I cried for two days, expecting to have to put him down... he's not a candidate for surgery. Retired. Ugh. Aging is not for lightweights.

    I am in a lot of very real pain and acute stress on top of it as I am supposed to fly out on vacation tomorrow night and I just want to disappear.
    My husband said it's okay to stay home.
    I don't want to.
    I got on the TMSwiki to read a bunch and then felt the need to rant and debrief. I just found the special memory foam cushion I ordered will not arrive in time for my trip. I feel three years old. I want to kick a wall and punch something and cry. I did cry. I pounded a pillow till I think I scared my youngest dog.
    I am almost ashamed of my reaction but I know that two major stressors in one week is hard on the best of us, right?

    The pain is real.
    I am bruised on the inside.
    I can go on vacation or stay home and rest. I polled my Chiro and Rolfer. Chiro says I am fine to fly so long as I'm in business class. I am. Rolfer suggested pillow and Percocet...or stay home as rest. I am willing to take meds with me but don't like them, they are awful on the mind and body. Have done only ibuprofen. Bruising like this takes three to four weeks to resolve. I am committed to not creating extra pain with my victim narrative.
    But right this moment, I feel so sorry for me!!!!
    I really feel pity.
    Now if I can inject some kindness, that would be a boon.
    Well, I am ranting because sometimes that's why TMS needs. A rant.

    Thanks for listening. Everyone here is always so kind. You guys get it. It's a complex set of symptoms with a very simple solution of honesty. Deep, fear seeing of ourselves.

    So grateful. Thanks for letting me vent through it,
  6. MWsunin12

    MWsunin12 Beloved Grand Eagle

    Bodhi, Bed, Bath and Beyond carries those pillows. Do you have one nearby? Maybe call first, and see if they have them. Get one because you will need it for sitting in restaurants, etc on vacation.

    Don't pile shaming yourself on top of the actual pain of the bruise. You HAVE had a rough week.

    It's okay to feel pity and compassion for yourself without punishing yourself for it. It's the punishing that keeps it going on and on.

    Maybe get a pen and paper and put this question at the top: "Without judgement, what is the best thing for me to do about traveling tomorrow?"
    Then, close your eyes, hold the piece of paper near your heart and listen to the FIRST answer that comes to you.

    Remember what a miracle our bodies are. Yours will recover. Have compassion for yourself. And, a good cry.
    richard13, mike2014 and Bodhigirl like this.
  7. Bodhigirl

    Bodhigirl Well known member

    Marcia... thanks ever so much for your prompt and lovely reply. Small world. We live in the same city!!

    I know I "shouldn't" shame myself and yet I know working thru the shame is part of my being injured.
    I threw the I Ching and it said I was in the flow of Tao and my intuition is spot on. I KNOW that 30 hours - total - of flight for four full days of touring a city I have never seen is NOT worth it on a physical level as much as I KNOW there are memories I will not make if I stay home convalescing.
    I know I have a deep seated fear of abandonment, I've worked it out 100 different ways... and yet feeling left out hurts! I know it sounds bonkers and I know that owning and releasing my TMS anxious mind is part of this process.
    I know the pain is real.
    That I am sure of.
    I brought out my suitcase, discussed clothing options and am now cuddled with the dogs on my ice pack which I wouldn't have in a hotel. What I am even more deeply aware of as we did the numbers for travel vs touring...is that I haven't had a full 11 day break from the office since last March!!!! Two short four day vacations but no deeply, truly unplugging. That's wrong. Really wrong. I can't believe I lost track of self care to such a level.
    I work in my office three days a week and am with horses, dogs and hubby the others so I am jot grinding away like many of my fellows...
    Hm. Still I need to decompress!
    I will sleep on it all. Maybe my unconscious will send me a great and prescient dream!
    Again, thank you for your thoughtful response. It helped.
  8. richard13

    richard13 Peer Supporter

    Hey Bg...it's been a few weeks since you had another wave upon wave of dukkha...hope your psychic and physical bruising has healed some...heal on...r (lovely, that, from Marcia)
    Bodhigirl likes this.
  9. Bodhigirl

    Bodhigirl Well known member

    I am healing! Rode my horse on Thursday - briefly - to face the fear of falling. Then Friday rode out with a friend for a longer ride. No pain!

    Working out with good "workarounds" to stay off too much sacrum pressure. Am smiling during yoga the past few days.

    Have needed lots of rest. Have allowed it. I feel so much better when I am not at war with my body.

    90% of women in the US suffer from some sort of body image problem. TMS/anxiety disorder, for sure.
    Thanks for checking in. It means a lot.
    MWsunin12 and richard13 like this.

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