When I see someone from my past an old co worker, school mom from past I try and avoid them. I’m trying to figure out why I do that and can only think I’m ashamed of either who I am , my family etc. I must want the perfect family or life. How do I explore this and try and figure out why I do this. Journaling the best??? I grew up in a not so good family, distant parents, alcoholic in family, estranged siblings is that why I am looking for a perfect life in my 60? am I jealous or ashamed how do I explore?
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Shame/Embarresment
- Thread starter Y1958
- Start date
Adam Coloretti (coach)
Well known member
I'm not trying to gaslight you into thinking it isn't an issue, nor does this mean it's necessarily right, but I would start from the basis that this is very common (at least from my experience). I know people who are pretty good socially who would run the other way if they saw someone they know in a supermarket - I do it too sometimes I'll admit. You might just not be in the mood or you might be in a rush.
That doesn't preclude you from exploring it - and I suppose a good place to get to may be that you can decide what you want to do, knowing you're capable of talking to them if you wish - but I just don't want this to turn into more self-judgment (which is rife with people with TMS - myself included). I don't want you to think that I must want to talk to people publicly that I haven't seen in 20 years otherwise there's something wrong with me - this type of pressure personally only made my social anxiety way worse, and was only an extension of perfectionism and people pleasing. You don't have to have the perfect thing to say to someone you haven't seen for that long just on the spot (like someone would in the movies), most people would have no idea what to say and it will be awkward 99% of the time - that's life and that's not a reflection on you
Or is it that you just don't want to talk to them? Which is perfectly okay! You may not have liked them perhaps, or you just don't want to make 'small talk' (I really dislike small talk myself!) or you didn't want to go down 'memory lane' with them, discussing about times and things you've moved on from. Piggy-backing on @Ellen's advice to journal about it, perhaps experiment with writing an unsent letter to that old co worker or school mom from you past that you've avoided... Is there anything you would actually have liked to have said to them if there were no consequences... something you didn't like about them or about something that you wouldn't otherwise want to risk telling them about?
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I agree with @Adam Coloretti (coach) that most people are self conscious to some degree and that is just part of the human condition. I think the issue with TMS is for those of us whose self consciousness turns into physical symptoms rather than just "oh, there's so and so, TURN AROUND and RUN!"
It never hurts to work on that self consciousness and the desire to not be judged if you aren't perfect but I also wouldn't beat yourself up over it.
It never hurts to work on that self consciousness and the desire to not be judged if you aren't perfect but I also wouldn't beat yourself up over it.
JanAtheCPA
Beloved Grand Eagle
I don't know the book, but as @Ellen mentioned, the old UYP was a workbook with different exercises. Our free Structured Educational Program is very similar, although put together by Forest and an early group of forum volunteers. Which is why it's free. Do the program while you read the book. Everything you need is in those two resources.