Severe Symptoms & Steve O's Book

I was happy. It's true that I'm more self compassionate now than before.

 

Even at my worst TMS symptoms-wise (bed bound and unable to weight-bear due to excruciating pelvic girdle and hip pain and lower and upper back pain) I would have been able, albeit with great difficulty, to have shuffled on my belly and rolled myself under the nearest bush to protect myself from a tiger. And if I'd have been a cave woman I would have been able to do the same, or to have laid low, hiding in my cave in the hope that the tiger would walk by and not notice me lying on the floor, quaking in my animal hide boots. In ancient times (and as now) our lizard brain determined what it deemed to be the best action in the circumstances that it perceived.... a choice of either flight, fight, freeze (play dead) or fawn (ingratiate oneself to our potential attacker) and it can decided if wants to, to move us from one mode into another if it determines that circumstances call for it. I believe my lizard brain went into freeze mode (made me bedridden) for at one point a full 7 months because that was what it determined to be the best way to stop me from continuing to go into work every day into an extremely toxic work environment.

Of note, is that in saying the above, I'm not saying that what might be going on with you personally (and perhaps with others too) is not "a defect within the logical architecture of the brain ie it is misfiring messages as a result of trauma".

 

You know, this site has given me some hope. People like Diana, BloodMoon, Sita etc are all trying to battle their fears to live another day. In my mind you are all soldiers in battle fighting a virtual war. Hero's in my mind. Back in January my TMS symptoms were so extreme and severe I spent a few weeks on a suicide website planning my own death using nitrogen. It was during this period that my sister told me - in such a cold manner - that I wasted my teen years working hard to make a future for myself as I was going to die young anyway because of the abuse I was subjected to! Anyways, I noticed that a significant number of people on the suicide website weren't 'drug junkies and low lives' who wanted to die i.e. they were actually people suffering with chronic and emotional pain who were looking for an exit. Unfortunately the medical system can't help them so they seek to take matters into their own hands. It's sad, very sad. It was the first time I actually understood the desperation in the human condition for peace. That is all I want i.e. to be bathed in peacefulness away from the tethers of pain and discomfort. No one around me understands what I'm going through because they are not experiencing the sensations I'm feeling. I don't know about you guys but I'd rather be healthy and in no pain but living in jail than living free but in chronic pain (I live in the UK and I'm referring to a UK based prison i.e. not somewhere 3rd world where you'd be raped, abused etc). At least in jail I would be able to read, watch a movie, enjoy some hobbies in the freedom of being in a body without extreme pain and discomfort. I'd also enjoy an amazing sleep free from pains and discomfort without relying on any drugs to aid my sleep. I always said to myself that the worst thing in this world is to be shackled/tethered and that freedom was most important to me. I never did realise that our own minds could hold us as prisoners in our own body. I guess that's, perhaps, the solution i.e. reject the notion of being a prisoner and try to live life as best as you can (pains or not) i.e. fire the ego and make it clear that his judicial system is corrupt i.e. it's a kangaroo court. Take control of your destiny because you (the "I") have committed no crimes and you make it clear that you detest to be treated as a criminal.

 

@feduccini ,
Can you please elaborate on this? I’m very intrigued, but lost by what you said.

 

Unless…the actual goal of your brain is to keep you alive.

 

Food for thought. For the parts of us in the subconscious—there is no time. So if you were abused or stressed as a child, it’s STILL happening for that little child part of you. And anything that triggers its fears (mean people, pressure, fighting, chaos, alcoholics, yelling…whatever it may be) brings that same fear, front and center. Hence, a hypersensitive nervous system.

 

If that were true then I’d still consider it a defect. The goal of the brain, the way I’d design it, would be based on quality of life ie not simply keeping me alive. Furthermore, like I said, sometimes the brain creates extreme symptoms that are constant for long periods of time. There is a risk that the “I” who is experiencing those symptoms may commit suicide to end it all. In that way the brain is taking a big risk playing out its cards in this way. Since this whole journey began I came to the realisation just how little we understand about the brain.

 

Hmm, I can see that side of the argument. You make a valid point. Guess this bug or defect will be fixed in the next patch release? Say in another five thousand evolutionary years when the brain adapts to the modern world!

 

Mike,
I’m rarely in pain while sitting. So I can read, write, draw to my heart’s content. But last year I was in jail. I didn’t leave my house except maybe 8 times. I was only barely alive and every day struggled to stay alive. I feel better now, only because of what you said here:

It IS the trick. To learn to walk on hot coals. To hold that painful yoga pose until you are so peaceful you don’t have pain anymore. To gain control of your THOUGHTS that want you to spiral downward.

I’m sad sad sad! to hear you contemplated taking your life because of your pain. I understand why. That’s why I fight here. Because I don’t want ANY of us to go down. I don’t want you to go down.

The biggest lie that TMS sells is that this will last the rest of your life. That’s a lie. I’ve had TMS about 15 times since I was 8. Every single time it has gone away—sooner or later. And this was pre-Sarno. (I’m also a big fan of ignoring things! So that probably helped.) This last round has been an all-time doozy! And it’s holding on! But even if I can get 5% relief every 6 months, I’ll make it. Even if I have to use a scooter for a year, I’ll make it. (I once watched a woman in a restaurant eat with her feet, while laughing and talking with her friends. She had no arms. I was amazed and humbled.)

There are PRICELESS treasures hidden for us on this journey. I believe wholeheartedly that our lives will be so much better when we get out of this that we’ll actually say it was worth the pain.

Hold on, brother! You’re a hero, too! ❤️

 

Sita, you’re a special person. ❤️

 

I honestly loved Steve O's book, but that's because I'm one who is pushing through my exercise despite my symptoms and he was all about that. He admits now he was a bit too aggressive in his approach but he still resonates with me.

I took a break from journaling and have things coming to me a bit more now that may be future journal fodder. It has been nice stepping away for a bit to look at other avenues.

 

Sure! Here's the video where he talks about a rule in psychology that says "in the unconsicous mind there are no opposites":



It's kind of a safe conduct for stopping trying to understand the symptoms too much. For me it was like an "you know what, I'll just shut up and feel".

 

Thanks for the reminder once again, @Diana-M
Another day today when it is really hard not to believe the lie - it feels like the truth. Especially when it starts up with it as soon as my eyes open in the morning and keeps it going non-stop. Relentless.

 

If TMS is in fact a matter of learned habits and bad synapse pathways, then we might be very close to more effective solutions.

If it is more of a psychological issue, then I think there's no escape from the slow work of healing your identity.

I personally think it's both.

 

@feduccini — you know how things show up on your journey that are just perfectly timed for you to hear the message? This thing rang like a bell for me. I’m going to have to hear this video multiple times. I’ve never heard of Dr. Ratner. I am definitely a fan of his from now on. He just explained so much to me. My mind is blown. I can’t thank you enough for this video. Wow!

 

I did giggle at next patch release. If my body updates are anything like the ones my job's IT applies across our various programs, do not want. They never work the way they're supposed to.

 

So does that mean modern society has evolved to a point that the majority of humans actually could not adapt well emotionally? Sure in industrialized world, most humans are fed, clothed, sheltered, meaning no immediate dangers of being starved or frozen to death. Yet people of all ages are overwhelmed, over stimulated, distracted, or can't leave their gadgets for a few minutes until they doze off on their couches or beds these days so their brains could actually feel their emotions or their conscious existences. Somehow besides deep emotional work, one may want to unplug from the matrix at least for a while to remove the chronic symptoms. But it is not easy as one may need to work to survive, may have to raise kids, or may have to do certain things they feel obligated to do, or any other limitations in life.