Day 10 Self Therapy

I would like to start by saying i believe i'm on the verge of something better. Today i spent the afternoon in my yard sort of talking to myself. Going over what i believed led up to my TMS symptoms. I use to think the main trigger was a sort of perfectionist attitude. I wanted to better myself and i wanted everything along the way to be perfect. I was starting new music projects and i was also beginning to work out extensively to better my health. I was having some set backs and i couldn't stand the idea of them because they got in the way of my perfectionist attitude. This seems illogical because we all face obstacles but i guess that's just how my brain was working. But i also began to think of the reason i wanted to better myself in the first place. I was having some serious anxiety issues and low self esteem to go along with it. My health was on the decline because of my panic disorder and i thought enough was enough. I wanted to be physically fit because i thought this would help my health and maybe help my anxiety. I wanted to be constructive with my projects because i thought it would make me feel better about myself. I don't think this was a bad idea but i'm not sure that this was addressing the issues that caused my anxiety/panic problems in the first place. I'm still looking for a complete cause of that. I think that overall it was an accumulation of situations that started my symptoms. After things started to go bad with my exercise and musical prowess(my symptoms). I found a new job, not an excellent one but one to get me on a better financial track i also started new courses at college which was a huge leap for me. I decided my major was less likely to go anywhere and i wanted to start a new one. This was all adding new worries to the overall pressures of my life. I wasn't addressing how i truly felt and obviously like most TMS sufferers i was bottling up the rage. Maybe my subconcious wasn't ready for new responsibility, being as a child it felt like i was neglecting it's needs. While trying to better myself in different ways my pain increased and i gave up more and more activities. This was a bad because i didn't have anything to distract me in these depressing and strenuous times. My mind was getting the best of me with doubt and fear. I still feel like i'm missing something in between it all though. The panic the new beginnings and then me pitting more pressure on myself. I think deep down i knew the pain would get worse before it even began. I also felt like even though i was bettering my life it didn't feel like it was going to go anywhere. It was like i was just going in pointless circles and the pain was there to make me feel ok with things not working out because i had a reason for it through crippling pain. But there is still another big point i'm missing right now. I'll get to it. I don't want to over do it today thinking about it.


Todays question was thinking about a person i hide my emotions from and reasons that prevent me from showing them. Well i think the most important person i hide them from is me. That may sound conceited but i'm too hard on myself as it is. Of course i do hold my emotions from my loved ones and i need to open up more. But i need to open up to myself as well. This is probably the reason all my troubles began in the first place because i wasn't being honest to myself. I try to hide how i feel because i don't want it to seem like everything is falling apart even if it is. I really need to learn to be more honest to myself.

P.S. i've been noticing that i'm able to write more and more on the form without pain with the passing weeks. Still having some postural issues. My fingers don't cooperate with me and i keep making mistakes while typing but that's ok atleast i can type some now.

 

Hi Jwiles,
Congratulations on your insight! I, too, can relate to your insight about hiding emotions from myself. It was a major step forward for me to look inside and see that I had not taken the time or invested the effort to look inside and see what I was really feeling, what I really needed, that I need to be kind to myself, that I need to be forgiving of myself, that I need to make changes in my behavior and how I live my life. Best of luck, Sunny