self criticism/ body shape

Day 9/ question to ponder: "have you been overly critical of yourself lately?" >> yes, I have. I have been looking at my legs and thought they were fat and I have cellulite and I don't like this. I have always had a complex regarding the shape and size of my thighs (though I have a normal weight for my height). This is something I have been dragging along ever since I was a little girl who couldn't fit in the 70's tight jeans around the thighs that were trendy back then. I dieted but spent the biggest amount of my adult life not dieting and maintaining a very good weight and the men I was with kept saying how great my body was. Still, I hated my thighs. Then at age 39, cellulite was becoming more and more of a problem so I engaged into extensive outdoor swimming and I became a long distance swimmer, my body totally transformed itself, I lost 2 sizes, I was sooo happy with this new body. My legs looked wonderful, they were thin and muscled.
I swam for maybe 3 years and then fibromyalgia struck and after a year of intense leg pain I discontinued swimming as everyone around me kept repeating it was the culprit and also I had so many muscle spasms in my thighs that I realised my leg muscles could no longer handle the strain I was putting them through (I would siwm an average of 35 kms a month, more when I was on holidays). Swimming was obsessive, I lived for it, always wanted to break my personal records and went to the pool whether it rained or poured. If, for some reason, I couldn't swim, I felt bad, frustrated and felt the pool was where I belonged, not the place I was at that moment. I would only talk about swimming, bla bla.
Why am I being so self-critical? >> I don't know. I mean I know it has to do with low self esteem. I started swimming when being a successful teacher was not enough and my attempt at having my novel published failed. Is this an answer to the what? I don't know. Opinions are very welcome.

 

Hi, Mina. It sounds like others told you that you had fibromyalgia because of swimming. That is totally wrong. Doctors don't know what fibramyalgia is, but use that word to tell women, especially, that that's what their pain is. But the pain is emotional, TMS, from repressed emotions. I hope you can get back to swimming and don't condition your mind that it creates pain. It really does the opposite, make you healthier in mind and body.

I am a writer and know how it can feel to have a book manuscript turned down. I finally gave up on editors and agents and have had my most recent seven books self-published TOTALLY FREE by CreateSpace. Look them up on the Internet. I love them!

 

A list of my published books is at www.walteroleksybooks.com

 

I am so self critical. I hear you. And I am on day 23. I have not said one shaming thing about my body, simply because I get activated. I haven't done on shaming activity in 23 days. Maybe I over ate one day, which was related to feeling rejected and stressed. I identified the feeling, and immediately forgave myself and watched what I ate the next day. As soon as I feel activated, I check in with myself. I say this mantra over and over again. "I have nothing but compassion for myself and others." I wrote a long letter to my "critical self." and kicked her out of my life. When I realized I had been self critical since 11 and now 54, It was if my body couldn't take any more self criticism or shame. So I write my anger and stresses, little or not, just to put it down and release and then Iist all the things that I am proud of, so there is a healthy balance. I not only let myeself feel anger, sadness, grief and guilt, I also let myself feel compassion. And say, what does "self compassion" feel like. And the compassion has seemed to work really well. I hope I was able to help you feel a little better.

 

Hey
I totally get what you mean by self criticizing , My right shoulder/scapula has been injured for about 2 months now and the fact that I can't get to the gym and do my workouts HARD and BLOODY ( the way god intended ) makes me so depressed and kinda angry. Specially since I had made some special plans for this summer. It goes to show you even if several guys (and even girls) tell you that your body is amazing , you can't be satisfied with it until YOU think it's amazing. So yeah , I think it would have to do with your self confidence. Try telling your unconscious mind that your body is great and to let go all the insecurities you had for your thighs.

I started working out in a pretty HORRIBLE state of my life too.. ( My girlfriend of one year left me , My "BEST" friend of over 9 years left me for a girl , who later dumped him as well! , Countless family problems , etc..) but I think those things were in a way, the best things that ever happened to me. Because of them and so much ANGER that I had built up , I didn't give up on my training and my body , and now I'm trying to work as a personal trainer , Specializing in working with people with special needs ( high BP , high blood sugar , pregnant women , old people , ... ) and Also I've been able to gather a much more respected and serious image , specially in my own field. I've been able to help my loved ones and I have transformed from a scrawny , weak and somewhat scared boy to a STRONG and ABLE man

I , too am very hard on myself a lot of times , But specially since becoming familiar with Dr. Sarno and TMS I'll try to make peace inside my body , not war

Wish the best for you.

Good Luck

 

Hi again, Reza. You have a wonderful positive image of yourself, and you deserve it. Helping others makes us feel great. Being a personal trainer must be very self-rewarding.

I am a writer of, among other things, children's books. Yesterday a man emailed me from Texas that he loves one of my children's novels, an adventure with lots of laughs, that has helped many children he teaches and because of my book they love to read. I seldom get any input on my books so that made my day, if not my year.

I'm sure your special needs patients are grateful to you, even though they may not say it.

 

Thanks Reza for your encouraging words and thanks Walt for this post and the previous (to which I didn't answer and I apologise)
I am in the last part of my editing work for my novel. It will be a self-published novel on Amazon and I am again in very deep pain.
I think this is due to the pressure I put on my shoulders regarding this novel. It took me many years to write, it has a long and hectic story.
In a nutshell, I guess my unconscious mind is dead scared about this publishing act as the book will go public for the very 1st time. I started
wondering what made me so fearful and I wrote an unsent letter to my future readers. It turns out that I am scared of negative comments,
I am so sensitive to criticism, I have such low self esteem that I know putting my novel on Amazon is taking the risk for my work and commitment
to be disliked.
Yet I have to publish it in order to be able to move on to something else. This book has been on the wait for too long, on my mind for too long and
putting it on Amazon should act as a way of focusing on my healing and only this.
I did really well between day 1 and day 8 but since then I suffer a lot again, can't walk, etc. I guess this is part of the healing process but it's another
pill which is hard to swallow.
So Reza, do you try to work out and just ignore the shoulder pain?
I have had a frozen shoulder for 2 years and physical therapy has helped a great deal, still, I don't feel ready to go to the pool, I am under the impression
that if I set a foot there I am going to cry as that is the pool where I used to train and swim for sometimes 2 hours without a break.
Talking about people who let you down, I have had my fair share too and it seems that I tend to expect from people what I would do for them but they
are not up to my expectations....
Thanks and keep going, I'm sure we'll make it!

Mina

 

Congrats on finishing up your novel and I hope you're better by now.

About my training , I used to ignore the pain and try to do some other exercises that didn't my shoulders much , but it eventually caught up to me where nearly ANYTHING would hurt my shoulders , Even working with muscles that don't have anything to do with the shoulders. I visited to doctors and they said it is "inflammation" gave me a bunch of pills and a shot. I took the pills for about two weeks and almost didn't see any improvement , the silly thing is , after the two weeks, the 2-3 days that I forgot to take the pills I started to feel better! ( either the pills had already done their work , or something else. ) Now I'm feeling much better and will start my original training program as of tomorrow , But I still will look out for things that might be too much for me and try to stay on the safe sides of things.

Good Luck