I'm incredibly self critical. I have attributed this to my financial success, as I'm sure many here might resonate with, but the pressure I put on myself is certainly at unhealthy levels. I treat myself worse than I would an enemy. If I make a mistake, I'm unrelenting. Even in an activity that I have no business being so critical about. It can be something like a game of golf (which I never play) and I somehow expect myself to be a pro. The inner voice is a maniacal, horrible, abusive.
Why am I like this?
I think back to my childhood and being the first born in a large family (including many cousins), a lot of expectation was placed onto me, but I'm not certain I can blame anyone for that. I was intelligent, charismatic, precocious, athletic, and with decent character. I liked the attention. I hated sharing the attention with my brothers, or anyone else for that matter. I think back to those growing years and I was always showing off, expecting praise, expecting awe of my specialness, but now that I have three children myself, that seems quite normal. Perhaps I never grew out of that psychological phase?
Perhaps when my mother and father divorced (I was 6) and I was told I had to be the man of the house, perhaps this expectation expanded on my own self expectations; that I was to do a man's job when I was only a little boy.
Whatever the reason, the need for praise and the pressure for perfection I placed on myself was ever present. And that voice was always there, always unkind. The crazy thing was that when I did receive praise, the satisfaction was temporary. I was always onto the next thing, always moving forward, always having to improve, to beat my previous score, to expand my abilities. These seemed like good qualities, challenging myself to always be better.
But there was never any lasting joy, and almost always a return to negative self talk. I could never be good enough, perfect enough, successful enough.
As I got older, I did really well in business, but I always doubted myself. Was it me, or the fact that I had great partners? Was it me, or the fact that I had help from family to get me started and stay patient with me as I learned? Is there anything I'm really good at? Am I deserving?
And now when I start something new, that pressure, that critical voice is always there. The voice of reason is there as well, but the fearful, selfish, mean, arrogant voice is there as well. You don't deserve this. You're going to fail. Everyone is counting on you...
I start each day with a prayer of gratitude, but while I often say the words, the feeling behind the prayer is somehow muted, as if I cannot take gratitude in the abundance all around me. I know deep down that it's there, but it's difficult to wade through the words to the feelings. I feel like I have lived most of my life under the psychology of what I lack rather than the gifts I have received. It's sad, frustrating, and psychologically exhausting.
This is my pain. This is my deep pain, and I still find myself sweeping emotions under the proverbial rug. I focus mostly on this deep self of lack, of feeling less than, when I have so much to be grateful for, so much success, beauty, and good fortune.
I'm nearly 44, I have a beautiful family, a happy marriage, a decent income that supports our family, I'm blessed to have a huge family, even my grandparents are still living (what a blessing) and while I know all of this and tell myself this every morning, the other voice is still somehow louder. And it says, "without me, you wouldn't have success. I'm the voice that pushes you, so stop being a baby, and get to work! Oh, and by the way, you're bound to fail, and you don't deserve success, and you're an imposter. And when you do fail I'm going to berate the shit out of you until I grind you down to dust!"
This is the voice I need to stand up to. I need to work on recognizing these thoughts and emotions, and not falling into their trap, but acknowledging they exist, noticing them and setting them aside. Awareness is the first step to fighting the critical voice. I know this, but it's damn hard. But the life I want to live and the man I want to be for my wife and children is there if I can simply raise awareness to the voice, but no longer give it any power. This is the work I'm doing. Thanks for reading...
Why am I like this?
I think back to my childhood and being the first born in a large family (including many cousins), a lot of expectation was placed onto me, but I'm not certain I can blame anyone for that. I was intelligent, charismatic, precocious, athletic, and with decent character. I liked the attention. I hated sharing the attention with my brothers, or anyone else for that matter. I think back to those growing years and I was always showing off, expecting praise, expecting awe of my specialness, but now that I have three children myself, that seems quite normal. Perhaps I never grew out of that psychological phase?
Perhaps when my mother and father divorced (I was 6) and I was told I had to be the man of the house, perhaps this expectation expanded on my own self expectations; that I was to do a man's job when I was only a little boy.
Whatever the reason, the need for praise and the pressure for perfection I placed on myself was ever present. And that voice was always there, always unkind. The crazy thing was that when I did receive praise, the satisfaction was temporary. I was always onto the next thing, always moving forward, always having to improve, to beat my previous score, to expand my abilities. These seemed like good qualities, challenging myself to always be better.
But there was never any lasting joy, and almost always a return to negative self talk. I could never be good enough, perfect enough, successful enough.
As I got older, I did really well in business, but I always doubted myself. Was it me, or the fact that I had great partners? Was it me, or the fact that I had help from family to get me started and stay patient with me as I learned? Is there anything I'm really good at? Am I deserving?
And now when I start something new, that pressure, that critical voice is always there. The voice of reason is there as well, but the fearful, selfish, mean, arrogant voice is there as well. You don't deserve this. You're going to fail. Everyone is counting on you...
I start each day with a prayer of gratitude, but while I often say the words, the feeling behind the prayer is somehow muted, as if I cannot take gratitude in the abundance all around me. I know deep down that it's there, but it's difficult to wade through the words to the feelings. I feel like I have lived most of my life under the psychology of what I lack rather than the gifts I have received. It's sad, frustrating, and psychologically exhausting.
This is my pain. This is my deep pain, and I still find myself sweeping emotions under the proverbial rug. I focus mostly on this deep self of lack, of feeling less than, when I have so much to be grateful for, so much success, beauty, and good fortune.
I'm nearly 44, I have a beautiful family, a happy marriage, a decent income that supports our family, I'm blessed to have a huge family, even my grandparents are still living (what a blessing) and while I know all of this and tell myself this every morning, the other voice is still somehow louder. And it says, "without me, you wouldn't have success. I'm the voice that pushes you, so stop being a baby, and get to work! Oh, and by the way, you're bound to fail, and you don't deserve success, and you're an imposter. And when you do fail I'm going to berate the shit out of you until I grind you down to dust!"
This is the voice I need to stand up to. I need to work on recognizing these thoughts and emotions, and not falling into their trap, but acknowledging they exist, noticing them and setting them aside. Awareness is the first step to fighting the critical voice. I know this, but it's damn hard. But the life I want to live and the man I want to be for my wife and children is there if I can simply raise awareness to the voice, but no longer give it any power. This is the work I'm doing. Thanks for reading...
