I have been lurking on this forum for the last 6 months, and finally have reached a point where I feel like I need to gain some specific wisdom from people who know my story and have succeeded in healing their own bodies & minds.
In my late 20's about 10 years ago I suffered a panic attack, completely out of the blue. Nothing major was happening in my life, I was mid conversation with a co-worker at my job. When I started to feel the panic attack feelings I immediately assumed I was dying, having never felt these feelings before. A co-worker took me to the hospital, and the doctors ruled out everything except stress. They sent me on my way with 2 prescriptions and a lifetime supply of fear.
Fast forward to 2021 - Part of the problem was for the last several years I was in major denial about having anxiety/panic attacks. I was constantly trying to find other reasons for these feelings I would experience and why I would freak out and have to leave places abruptly, just to get home and feel instantly better. Silly now, I know, but I was in denial because of the stigma surrounding anxiety/panic attacks. I had been taking the medication for anxiety but steadily getting worse. My world was getting smaller and smaller and I was at a point where even leaving my house to go grocery shopping was a problem. My anxiety levels were through the roof while outside my house, but while at home I felt as right as rain. I decided enough was enough, and the medication obviously was not helping and I needed to seek some real therapy (if such a thing existed) and get help with this issue. I found a wonderful clinic that specialized in anxiety and panic but this took some exceptional research and screening. My experience, is that every single therapist on the planet "specializes" in anxiety but only a few actually do. There is also a stark difference between anxiety and panic disorder which is a term I did not know when researching therapists. The therapist began working with me using a concept called interoceptive exposure therapy. If you are struggling with panic attacks, I would encourage you to look up this process and find a qualified therapist who can help you with it. This process changed & saved my life, and I could now see the light at the end of the tunnel.
By the end of 2022, the light at the end of the tunnel was as bright as the sun staring me right in the face. I was nearly completely healed from panic disorder. I was going places, doing things, and tackling the world like I had before I ever had my first panic attack. For the first time in 10 years I was filled with hope, optimism, and joy. Sadly, things came to a crashing halt. In December of 2022 I experienced a major set back, and I had a full blown panic attack while at my house alone. This was incredibly unusual, given my home was always the place I felt safe from these feelings and never happened at home before. Because of this glitch in the matrix, my mind could not accept the potential that this was in fact a panic attack and began fearing a medical emergency. Although I never called for an ambulance, I could not shake the feeling and fear and stayed in this panic state for several hours before finally coming back to reality.
After this experience I was demoralized again, and I had hit the ultimate rock bottom. Not only had I relapsed and lost all of my progress, but I also lost my only safe space in the world. My house. I couldn't be safe anywhere. As I battled the anxiety again, now 24/7, I could barely sleep, eat or anything close to enjoy life. It was awful. In addition, It appears I have developed a severe case of health anxiety. The fear of panic became outweighed by the fear of death, disease, or losing my mind for good. I became obsessed with my body and every twinge and tick. I had symptoms effecting my heart, my lungs, my throat, my joints, my brain, my gut, and everything else you can imagine. Over the next year I saw cardiologists, neurologists, rheumatologists, PCPs, naturopathic doctors, acupuncturists, chiropractors, healers, hypnotists, and therapists.
If your still reading this - thanks for sticking with me, I know its a lot.
Interestingly - For about 3 months I started experiencing a weird painful zapping sensation in my jawline. It was incredibly jolting and scary but it would only happen for a second or two and there was no rhyme or reason as to why. In doing some research, I diagnosed myself with possible Trigeminal Neuralgia because surely this can not be from stress alone. I also developed significant neck pain, which was a constant bother. The pain was sometimes sharp, sometimes dull, it would move around from the front of my neck to the back, to the sides. Never any consistency but always there, waiting to strike. I was freaked out about the prospects of having Trigeminal Neuralgia because the internet will do you no favors when researching these kinds of things. However I came across one video on youtube that was different than all the rest. A success story about Trigeminal Neuralgia, calling it "TMS"
I watched the whole video (about 1hr long) and I was blown away. I could not believe this woman cleared up this awful condition using the power of her mind, a few books, and some journaling. I still didn't fully grasp the concept, but the video gave me hope and a fresh perspective. I decided that anytime my neck hurt or my jaw zapped, I was going to tell the pain to STFU, and not pay it any more attention. Within a week it was gone and has never come back. I had this experience while waiting for the results from my neurologist regarding a brain MRI he suggested. By the time I went to my appointment, I told him - I already know there is no findings in my MRI and my brain is perfectly fine. He agreed and wanted to know what changed. I told him what I discovered and went on my way, thinking I was done with this once and for all.
Unfortunately, this is not a success story. Sadly, my reprieve was short lived. Within 30 days I was on to the next disease and this time I was in significant pain, and this is where I am today and have been for the past 9 months. I developed some joint pain in my left ankle and right wrist. Quickly that spread to both ankles and both wrists. Now its a different joint every day. Some days its my ankles, wrists, hips, knees, elbows, and lately my hands/fingers. Thanks to the power of the internet and my self diagnosing skills I have given myself virtually every auto immune condition and believed that I have them all at different times. If I can get my mind to believe even for a day that I am okay, the symptoms come roaring back and worse than before. Is it possible that reading about these symptoms has caused them to spread in my body?
I have been to 2 different rheumatologists. The first one refused to keep seeing me after the blood work, Xray's and MRI's all showed no results. The second one has not refused to see me, but has done bloodwork for me 3 times now, every test she can and has given me several physical exams. Her latest advice is that I find a good psychologist and get on some medication for anxiety.
I have read the books - Healing back pain, The Divided Mind, The Great Pain Deception, The Way Out, Chronic Pain: Your Key to Recovery
I have watched/read hundreds of success stories
I have journaled entire spiral notebooks, going back to child hood and present
I have tried 2 TMS therapists
I spent all of November and December 2023 mediating 2 hours per day
I saw one TMS Medical Doctor, who assured me I have no auto immune condition
I have attempted to completely disconnect from this website, all TMS content, and just live life, but I don't make it past a few weeks before I slip into all the old fears and old thoughts and significant pain.
It seems no matter what I do, I can not shake the idea that there is something wrong with my health. Some disease that hasn't caught up to the bloodwork, or maybe I haven't been to the right doctor. Lately I have been contemplating going to the emergency room and seeing if they will admit me and run every test in the book, thinking that might help me overcome my fear and believe the diagnosis of TMS.
I feel so educated on this all, but yet so lost. I can already see the replies to this thread because I know what I think when reading my own story back. Its so obvious and yet I am the only one who can't seem to believe it enough to move on from this pain and fear.
It is important to note, I never had health problems or pain my entire life. Literally none. Up until that panic attack 10 years ago, I had never even been to the hospital. I am a single father and my son's mom passed away in an accident about 7 years ago. There does not seem to be a correlation with this any my issues given the timeline, other than I live in constant fear of my son growing up without both parents should something be truly wrong with me. I constantly feel like I am being irresponsible with my health and therefore my son's life by not seeing more doctors for this pain I am in.
I am seeking some wisdom, if anyone has any that can help me get over the hump.
TL;DR - I had anxiety and panic attacks, I beat that, and now I have pain in all of my joints. Despite all of the testing I can not seem to believe fully in the TMS diagnosis I was given by a TMS Medical Doctor. I have read the books, and done the work. Something is missing and I need some help finding it.
In my late 20's about 10 years ago I suffered a panic attack, completely out of the blue. Nothing major was happening in my life, I was mid conversation with a co-worker at my job. When I started to feel the panic attack feelings I immediately assumed I was dying, having never felt these feelings before. A co-worker took me to the hospital, and the doctors ruled out everything except stress. They sent me on my way with 2 prescriptions and a lifetime supply of fear.
Fast forward to 2021 - Part of the problem was for the last several years I was in major denial about having anxiety/panic attacks. I was constantly trying to find other reasons for these feelings I would experience and why I would freak out and have to leave places abruptly, just to get home and feel instantly better. Silly now, I know, but I was in denial because of the stigma surrounding anxiety/panic attacks. I had been taking the medication for anxiety but steadily getting worse. My world was getting smaller and smaller and I was at a point where even leaving my house to go grocery shopping was a problem. My anxiety levels were through the roof while outside my house, but while at home I felt as right as rain. I decided enough was enough, and the medication obviously was not helping and I needed to seek some real therapy (if such a thing existed) and get help with this issue. I found a wonderful clinic that specialized in anxiety and panic but this took some exceptional research and screening. My experience, is that every single therapist on the planet "specializes" in anxiety but only a few actually do. There is also a stark difference between anxiety and panic disorder which is a term I did not know when researching therapists. The therapist began working with me using a concept called interoceptive exposure therapy. If you are struggling with panic attacks, I would encourage you to look up this process and find a qualified therapist who can help you with it. This process changed & saved my life, and I could now see the light at the end of the tunnel.
By the end of 2022, the light at the end of the tunnel was as bright as the sun staring me right in the face. I was nearly completely healed from panic disorder. I was going places, doing things, and tackling the world like I had before I ever had my first panic attack. For the first time in 10 years I was filled with hope, optimism, and joy. Sadly, things came to a crashing halt. In December of 2022 I experienced a major set back, and I had a full blown panic attack while at my house alone. This was incredibly unusual, given my home was always the place I felt safe from these feelings and never happened at home before. Because of this glitch in the matrix, my mind could not accept the potential that this was in fact a panic attack and began fearing a medical emergency. Although I never called for an ambulance, I could not shake the feeling and fear and stayed in this panic state for several hours before finally coming back to reality.
After this experience I was demoralized again, and I had hit the ultimate rock bottom. Not only had I relapsed and lost all of my progress, but I also lost my only safe space in the world. My house. I couldn't be safe anywhere. As I battled the anxiety again, now 24/7, I could barely sleep, eat or anything close to enjoy life. It was awful. In addition, It appears I have developed a severe case of health anxiety. The fear of panic became outweighed by the fear of death, disease, or losing my mind for good. I became obsessed with my body and every twinge and tick. I had symptoms effecting my heart, my lungs, my throat, my joints, my brain, my gut, and everything else you can imagine. Over the next year I saw cardiologists, neurologists, rheumatologists, PCPs, naturopathic doctors, acupuncturists, chiropractors, healers, hypnotists, and therapists.
If your still reading this - thanks for sticking with me, I know its a lot.
Interestingly - For about 3 months I started experiencing a weird painful zapping sensation in my jawline. It was incredibly jolting and scary but it would only happen for a second or two and there was no rhyme or reason as to why. In doing some research, I diagnosed myself with possible Trigeminal Neuralgia because surely this can not be from stress alone. I also developed significant neck pain, which was a constant bother. The pain was sometimes sharp, sometimes dull, it would move around from the front of my neck to the back, to the sides. Never any consistency but always there, waiting to strike. I was freaked out about the prospects of having Trigeminal Neuralgia because the internet will do you no favors when researching these kinds of things. However I came across one video on youtube that was different than all the rest. A success story about Trigeminal Neuralgia, calling it "TMS"
I watched the whole video (about 1hr long) and I was blown away. I could not believe this woman cleared up this awful condition using the power of her mind, a few books, and some journaling. I still didn't fully grasp the concept, but the video gave me hope and a fresh perspective. I decided that anytime my neck hurt or my jaw zapped, I was going to tell the pain to STFU, and not pay it any more attention. Within a week it was gone and has never come back. I had this experience while waiting for the results from my neurologist regarding a brain MRI he suggested. By the time I went to my appointment, I told him - I already know there is no findings in my MRI and my brain is perfectly fine. He agreed and wanted to know what changed. I told him what I discovered and went on my way, thinking I was done with this once and for all.
Unfortunately, this is not a success story. Sadly, my reprieve was short lived. Within 30 days I was on to the next disease and this time I was in significant pain, and this is where I am today and have been for the past 9 months. I developed some joint pain in my left ankle and right wrist. Quickly that spread to both ankles and both wrists. Now its a different joint every day. Some days its my ankles, wrists, hips, knees, elbows, and lately my hands/fingers. Thanks to the power of the internet and my self diagnosing skills I have given myself virtually every auto immune condition and believed that I have them all at different times. If I can get my mind to believe even for a day that I am okay, the symptoms come roaring back and worse than before. Is it possible that reading about these symptoms has caused them to spread in my body?
I have been to 2 different rheumatologists. The first one refused to keep seeing me after the blood work, Xray's and MRI's all showed no results. The second one has not refused to see me, but has done bloodwork for me 3 times now, every test she can and has given me several physical exams. Her latest advice is that I find a good psychologist and get on some medication for anxiety.
I have read the books - Healing back pain, The Divided Mind, The Great Pain Deception, The Way Out, Chronic Pain: Your Key to Recovery
I have watched/read hundreds of success stories
I have journaled entire spiral notebooks, going back to child hood and present
I have tried 2 TMS therapists
I spent all of November and December 2023 mediating 2 hours per day
I saw one TMS Medical Doctor, who assured me I have no auto immune condition
I have attempted to completely disconnect from this website, all TMS content, and just live life, but I don't make it past a few weeks before I slip into all the old fears and old thoughts and significant pain.
It seems no matter what I do, I can not shake the idea that there is something wrong with my health. Some disease that hasn't caught up to the bloodwork, or maybe I haven't been to the right doctor. Lately I have been contemplating going to the emergency room and seeing if they will admit me and run every test in the book, thinking that might help me overcome my fear and believe the diagnosis of TMS.
I feel so educated on this all, but yet so lost. I can already see the replies to this thread because I know what I think when reading my own story back. Its so obvious and yet I am the only one who can't seem to believe it enough to move on from this pain and fear.
It is important to note, I never had health problems or pain my entire life. Literally none. Up until that panic attack 10 years ago, I had never even been to the hospital. I am a single father and my son's mom passed away in an accident about 7 years ago. There does not seem to be a correlation with this any my issues given the timeline, other than I live in constant fear of my son growing up without both parents should something be truly wrong with me. I constantly feel like I am being irresponsible with my health and therefore my son's life by not seeing more doctors for this pain I am in.
I am seeking some wisdom, if anyone has any that can help me get over the hump.
TL;DR - I had anxiety and panic attacks, I beat that, and now I have pain in all of my joints. Despite all of the testing I can not seem to believe fully in the TMS diagnosis I was given by a TMS Medical Doctor. I have read the books, and done the work. Something is missing and I need some help finding it.
Do we feel immensely guilty that we are pissed off about having to care for a sick spouse when we really just want to crawl under a rock and hide, sleep.... or whatever. We are suddenly astonished at all this pent up emotion and then feel there must be something very wrong with us to have all these things swirling around inside of us?