Searching for ways to help my skeptical mother

K

KelVarnsen

Newcomer
Hello, this is my first post here. Quick background: My TMS journey started in 2021 when I began having pelvic pain and digestive issues. After being cleared by doctors of structural issues, I found out about TMS. Over time, I have drastically improved my symptoms. The only thing that seems to have helped is building my belief in TMS and living my life as normally as possible. At this point, the pain is mostly gone and all I'm left with is a baseline of muscle tension that I assume one day will finally relax. I'm pretty tired of trying to fix myself and I'd rather just move on with my life.

My mother also struggles with a myriad of health issues, which I strongly suspect to be TMS. She did have an actual infection last year, but it was treated successfully, and she continues to have all sorts of symptoms (migraines, back pain, plantar fasciitis, IBS, etc). She blames the symptoms on the infection, but I just don't really believe that, especially since she's had a lot of these issues for decades. She pursues endless physical treatments like PT, acupuncture, special pillows, new mattresses, etc.

I've tried to convince her to consider TMS (I even showed her the Sarno "All the Rage" doc), but it just isn't sticking. And if I bring it up too often, I can tell she feels invalidated. Further complicating matters is that I never told her about my own symptoms. I was so embarrassed when my pelvic pain started that I didn't tell anyone except my doctors. Once I discovered it was benign, I didn't see any reason to tell anyone. Now I find myself wondering if it might help my mom to know that I empathize with her pain, but it would also mean opening a huge can of worms and answering some really personal questions that I'm still not comfortable with. Not to mention the fact that I still haven't completely eliminated my own symptoms, so even though my belief is strong, I'm not really the best proof that this stuff works.

I don't know what to do, I feel powerless. I watch her suffer and try to give her emotional support, but I mostly just remain silent about TMS now.

I know there may not be a clear solution here, but just wanted to share my conundrum and see if anyone has any helpful thoughts. Thanks
 
Why not gift her a copy of Mind Your Body by Nichole Sachs. Write a note and tell her you’ve watched her suffer, and understand that struggle. That you did the work and love her so much you hope she can end her suffering like you did. Let her know how much she’s done for you, and say you want to give that back to her.
This journey you’ve both had might bring you closer together.
 
Thanks for your nice response. She was in such horrible pain again today that I finally just told her about my own pain. I just couldn't avoid it any longer. Fortunately, she says she's open to a mind-body approach, but I know it's going to be a challenge. There are a lot of long-held beliefs that will have to be changed for her to see progress (like all of us), but I'm hoping I might have at least steered her in the right direction.

I haven't read the book you suggested, but I really appreciate it and I'll look into it. I'm also showing her a Howard Schubiner interview and Dan Buglio's videos.
 
KelVarnsen said:
so even though my belief is strong, I'm not really the best proof that this stuff works.
Click to expand...
There is no such thing as 100% recovery, because we are dealing with a normal, although primitive, brain function designed for survival in the primitive wilderness, which works for **t in the modern world.

Start by giving yourself the credit you deserve, and remember this when talking about this stuff with your mother. Also, check out this terrific thread: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/the-podcast-book-industrial-complex-long-term-symptoms.29266/ (The Podcast-Book Industrial Complex & Long-term Symptoms)

And congratulations for taking that risk - it sounds like it paid off even better than you might have thought possible. There will be setbacks, but what we've learned over many years here is that once the seed is planted, it will eventually take root and grow. Keep the faith, my friend.
 
I find that somehow people could not help the others understand TMS, to truly get "it". "It" has to come from within, self-realization. It helps that others are being supportive and understanding and be genuinely caring, humans thrive in unconditional love. But ultimately it is internal work and the person has to come to full terms to the understanding by whatever means. Nobody could replace you to take the exam in discovering your own truth.
 
JanAtheCPA said:
There is no such thing as 100% recovery, because we are dealing with a normal, although primitive, brain function designed for survival in the primitive wilderness, which works for **t in the modern world.

Start by giving yourself the credit you deserve, and remember this when talking about this stuff with your mother.
Click to expand...

I agree and thanks for the encouragement. I even suspect that my holding on to the idea of 100% recovery could be what's keeping me from getting closer. This is why I think the best approach for me now is to live my life normally and let any additional "healing" happen in its own time.
 
louaci said:
I find that somehow people could not help the others understand TMS, to truly get "it". "It" has to come from within, self-realization. It helps that others are being supportive and understanding and be genuinely caring, humans thrive in unconditional love. But ultimately it is internal work and the person has to come to full terms to the understanding by whatever means. Nobody could replace you to take the exam in discovering your own truth.
Click to expand...

Yes to this, absolutely. We've been talking more about it and I've been showing her videos, but my mom is still very convinced that her pain has structural origins. I honestly don't know if I'll be able to help her, but I'll keep pointing her in this direction.
 
If you and your mother can listen to a rather long podcast (1.25 hr) I just listened to the Feb 13th episode of The Cure for Chronic Pain with Nicole Sachs and I swear it contains EVERYTHING that anyone new to the concepts could possibly need to know, including Nicole's own story of recovery in spite of a diagnosis of Spondylolisthesis - which she still has. Without pain. She explains the neuroscience of pain, and even uses phantom limb pain as the most clearcut example.
Listen here: https://www.yourbreakawake.com/podcasts/the-cure-for-chronic-pain-with-nicole-sachs-lcsw-2/episodes/2148978521 (S4 E7 - Pelvic Pain, JournalSpeak, and Inspiration with Elizabeth Endres)

Last week's Feb 28th episode with Mark Groves is a terrific companion episode with essential information for the beginner, but listen to Feb 13 first.
 
I need to remember phantom limb pain as an example when I am trying to present my case to someone about TMS.

Usually I talk about how tears are a physical manifestation of emotion (literal water pouring out of your eyes), and how the face turns red when embarassed, or how we get headaches when stressed (and even worse, migraines). There are a few others I'm forgetting at the moment but phantom limb pain is probably the best.
 
From Dr Sarno, I used to reference blushing as the primary example of a completely harmless but obviously 100% physical response to emotional distress. It was when I learned about the research, discoveries and theories of V.S. Ramachandran that I started recommending that people check out phantom limb pain as an even more extreme example of the very real, but technically harmless pain that the brain can create where there is no physical location for the pain. In other words, the brain mechanism we call TMS. Ramachandran started working on this quite a number of years after Sarno wrote Healing Back Pain.

Check out the Wikipedia link for Ramachandran. He has a famous Ted Talk describing how he came up with his mirror therapy - it's funny and also stunning in its simplicity.
 
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