Sciatica Line Cook Nightmare

ValkyrKai

ValkyrKai

Peer Supporter
Hello!

My name is Eli. I've been lurking on this forum for a few days, reading a lot of threads and information, I'm also on day 2 of the structured education program, among other things. here's a little introduction about me, and my story(so far):

I'm 33 years old and I work as a line cook in a taphouse. a little of half a year ago, my sciatica started getting really bad. I first started experiencing sciatica I would say about 2017 I believe? Its hard to pinpoint exactly when, I just remember my surroundings and where I was in life when it started. (I've never really been great with dates.) But I know I was working, as a line cook, at a different restaurant at the time, a brunch place that I really loved. But at some point I started noticing that after being on my feet all day I had a little twinge of pain in my right buttock, that would go away pretty soon after sitting down after work. So I didn't put much thought into it.

This came and went. about 3 months after covid hit, and places were starting to open back up with covid guidelines, I got a new job in an office. I had worked in food service my whole life and this was the first Office job I had ever had. The office was on the other side of town, and I don't drive, So I had to walk quite a distance to get out to the office. Pretty much immediately after starting to walk to the office, my sciatica started flaring up. This is the only time I experienced pins and needles and numbing in my leg and foot as well as the pain in my buttock. The weird thing was that after sitting at work for a few minutes, the pain would go away; and even weirder still, I didn't experience any symptoms on the walk home, which I always found odd but I chalked it up to my body needing to "warm up"

fast forward a couple of years and I more or less determine that office work isn't the work for me. I had been working from home and hadn't really had really bad symptoms. But I determined that I needed to be doing work that was a lot more engaging than data entry. So I got a job at a bar. and then the sciatica symptoms came back. a little worse a little better. No numbing but more painful than they were at the brunch place.

fast forward to the past half year - I've been working at this new taphouse for a little over a year now. The sciatica symptoms didn't start until about 5 months in. This is the worst they have ever been. I've missed a lot of work because of them and being at work is miserable. It feels like someone stabbing my sciatic nerve with a knife and twisting it around over and over again. Nothing helps. IBU Profen, Tylenol, muscle relaxers, Opioids, nothing.

I should also mention that because I've worked restaurant jobs like these my entire life I haven't really been able to go to doctors and get care for the large majority of my life because of finances. most restaurants don't offer health insurance. So I would just do whatever research I could on the internet.

recently however, I have been going to the doctor. I had health insurance while I working in and office and during that time I was diagnosed with ADHD. The meds really help with my day to day, but I need to go to the doctor ever three months to get them refilled. But this is also how I've gotten prescribed all of these things for my back and found that they have done nothing.

Okay. Now for my thoughts on TMS(I know this is a long post, forgive me)

I found out about Dr. Sarno's book "Healing Back Pain" because I read another book, "This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol" By Annie Grace. For a long time I had been struggling with alcohol abuse. I stumbled upon this book and it changed my life. Not only was able to get sober, but she had helped me realize that I wasn't missing out on anything by being sober. She helped reprogram my unconscious mind from years of condition that alcohol had some sort of benefit. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has struggles with alcohol addiction, or any addiction really- but I digress.

After my doctor had prescribed me 2 months worth of steroids after the first 2 weeks seemed to alleviate some of my pain, I tried to walk to work and couldn't make it a block. I literally didn't make it passed my apartment complex before having to text my boss that I couldn't make it. hobble home and lay on the floor in my dining room until the pain went away. (in the past 3 weeks leading up to this, the only position I could lay in comfortably was on my back, on the floor. I couldn't even sleep in my bed.) This is when I remember Annie Grace talking about how she had cured her back pain. In her book she mentioned that she had developed the book and her system based on the work of Dr. Sarno. She had had chronic back pain and had worked with Dr. Sarno and overcame it. I went through the book to remember the name and bought "Healing Back Pain" and listened to it through.

This book resonated with me so much. I believe I have TMS. and I think I am even more inclined to believe it because of how completely and fully Annie's book worked to "cure" me of my addiction to alcohol. So I started soaking up any information I have been able to and I've made my way here. I've been doing my best to focus on the psychological, I've been trying to get in touch with my feeling(rough. I'm learning my feelings are like an aunt I met once when I was 5 and then she moved to Europe and the only interaction I have with her is a postcard every 4 years.) and I'm trying to remember that even though it feels so intensely painful: I'm not doing my body any harm. I've even started doing the Structured Education Program" and I'm on Day 2.

I do have a question for folks who may have a similar experience to me:

What works best for you when your job is one of your triggers with sciatica symptoms? Being at work the last couple of days had been excruciating. Its starts out pretty good for a couple of hours, but then it just gets more and more painful. I know I have to keep going despite the pain but is it okay to take breaks? Sometimes even the sitting breaks don't relieve the pain but they are still more bearable then the walking around. I've tried in the moment to feel what my body is telling me, and I notice that I'll be holding my breath and tensing my entire body, but I don't know how to not do that when I'm in such pain. I'm always able to get it under control if I sit or lean for a while but it comes back so fast after I get moving again. I find myself walking slightly bent over (Quasimodo style) unconsciously because it hurts so bad, but then that starts giving me pain in my back, likely from basically doing a lumbar planking exercise for an extended time. I've been trying to self soothe, or try to go off in my head about something that has been bothering me lately to try to alleviate it but nothing seems to help. Its so hard to focus on work. And it adds to the embarrassment and feelings of uselessness whenever I have to take such frequent breaks. Any tips on not obsessing over the pain?

Thanks for reading my crazy ramblings. I'm excited to absorb and apply anything I am able to learn about this and can't wait to start feeling better!
 
hi @ValkyrKai
Welcome!

Dr. Sarno will fully answer your questions...which are totally PHYSICAL in nature. Reading Dr. Sarno, you'll see where he suggests we stop this way of thinking (it can take some time!) and think psychologically. Sometimes it takes a few passes to let all he says really sink in, our brains can be pretty resistant to some of these new ideas. The kicker is, that sometimes when the brain begins to recognize you are going to start to look at your inner world differently, it ups the anti. The pain is there to keep you SAFE from this inner emotional world, and now you are lifting that rock and peering underneath. It's often said an increase in symptoms is one of the best of all signs that you are on the right track...so congratulations!

You are currently forcing your body to heal somehow physically by doing some sort of exercise, taking breaks to "fix" it... How has that worked for you so far? Has doing these things actually ever fixed it?

Then why are you doing them?

Take a big breath and realize there are no hard and fast rules (except think psychologically :) you don't have to do this perfectly, just slow down. You can take a break because you are entitled to breaks at your job, and it's NORMAL to take a break! It won't fix anything except perhaps begin to teach you that you can relax!
You're tying yourself up in anxious knots stressing out over attempting to physically fix something that isn't physical. TMS is psychological, it's how your psychology is effecting your body. You don't have to force yourself to fake that you are OK, that siatica doesn't hurt like a bitch. Of course it's OK to take breaks ... you are SUPPOSED to take breaks at your job! It's OK to relax!

Let's face it, your job is incredibly stressful - and you may well have learned to run on this stress as fuel to get you through shifts. Stress and anxiety can be kind of addicting. So can hyperfocus and obsessing about our physical body so we don't have to think about how (insert emotion here, but Sarno usually states it's RAGE) rageful we are about our situation and how we think about ourselves (underline that last part). Many TMS professionals discuss TMS as a form of OCD and the addiction of thought patterns.

I bet you learned a lot of great stuff from your book on addiction that you could put towards healing your siatica pain.

You will notice that I didn't answer your specific questions. We don't do that here. We don't get into the nitty gritty of your physical pain because it's not the issue and it won't help you. Actually it will harm you because it will help you continue to think physically and not psychologically.

Keep up with the SEP and please post about how you are doing!
 
Cactusflower said:
hi @ValkyrKai
Welcome!

You are currently forcing your body to heal somehow physically by doing some sort of exercise, taking breaks to "fix" it... How has that worked for you so far? Has doing these things actually ever fixed it?

Then why are you doing them?

Take a big breath and realize there are no hard and fast rules (except think psychologically :) you don't have to do this perfectly, just slow down. You can take a break because you are entitled to breaks at your job, and it's NORMAL to take a break! It won't fix anything except perhaps begin to teach you that you can relax!
You're tying yourself up in anxious knots stressing out over attempting to physically fix something that isn't physical. TMS is psychological, it's how your psychology is effecting your body. You don't have to force yourself to fake that you are OK, that siatica doesn't hurt like a bitch. Of course it's OK to take breaks ... you are SUPPOSED to take breaks at your job! It's OK to relax!
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thank you so much for the reply! this bit was really nice to hear and I really appreciate hearing it. I know it’s not realistic to think I can just brute force my way through the pain, and I also know that taking breaks isn’t going to cure the pain, because it isn’t the movement that’s causing it. But it still makes me feel useless and raises anxiety about what my coworkers think of me standing or sitting around. I think I know what I’m going to journal about tonight.
 
“But it still makes me feel useless and raises anxiety about what my coworkers think of me standing or sitting around. I think I know what I’m going to journal about tonight.”

Go there and then write how you emotionally feel about these judgements.. and how you subconsciously may be feeling about being judged.
 
ValkyrKai said:
I'm learning my feelings are like an aunt I met once when I was 5 and then she moved to Europe and the only interaction I have with her is a postcard every 4 years.)
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I had to laugh at this one! Perfect description! I found this one journaling method that has helped me get more in touch with my emotions (at all!) You write about an event that happened to you. Just the details. Like, my boss came over to me and belittled me. Then an hour later he nagged me. Then he refused to answer a question I had. —just the details. Then after about 5-10 minutes you observe how your body feels and write that down. I feel my stomach knotting up. My chest is getting tight. I want to punch something. I feel angry. (Aha!) Now you know how anger actually feels. So next time you are suppressing it, you can recognize it in your body. Then you keep journaling and just let the rage rip. I also heard it’s helpful to Google online for an emotion chart. I did this and found some new emotions I never even knew I have at certain times.

ValkyrKai said:
But it still makes me feel useless and raises anxiety about what my coworkers think of me standing or sitting around. I think I know what I’m going to journal about tonight.
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My symptoms have all focused toward me having this feeling of embarrassment. What will people think?! This just makes them worse, of course, and keeps you thinking about the physical. It’s like a double whammy. You’re in pain. And you’re worried what will people think; can I hold down this job?! Maybe try thinking about what you hate about your job. Or even about what you think is going great in your life. They say there are usually some interesting things going on there that you haven’t noticed yet.
 
Diana-M said:
I had to laugh at this one! Perfect description! I found this one journaling method that has helped me get more in touch with my emotions (at all!) You write about an event that happened to you. Just the details. Like, my boss came over to me and belittled me. Then an hour later he nagged me. Then he refused to answer a question I had. —just the details. Then after about 5-10 minutes you observe how your body feels and write that down. I feel my stomach knotting up. My chest is getting tight. I want to punch something. I feel angry. (Aha!) Now you know how anger actually feels. So next time you are suppressing it, you can recognize it in your body. Then you keep journaling and just let the rage rip. I also heard it’s helpful to Google online for an emotion chart. I did this and found some new emotions I never even knew I have at certain times.
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This is great advice! I'm going to look up an emotion chart right now! And I'm glad you and @JanAtheCPA liked my metaphor :D
 
Eli,
I was noticing in your post above how your symptoms did all sorts of things depending on where you were going or what you were doing. It might be worth journaling to find out —or just plain analyzing—what you weee thinking and feeling at the times of flare up. Some jobs you hated. Some you liked. Were the people nice? Were you worried about money? Mad you had to walk home? Mad you had to work from home? Go back through and look for your feelings in these situations. That will be a clue for you!

There’s this well-known Dr. who studied under Sarno. His name is Howard Schubiner and he wrote a book (it’s a workbook) called Unlearn Your Pain. It’s a 28 day healing program. I did some of it (not all. I should go back to it. Got sidetracked). But one of his exercises is to write down all your TMS episodes and analyze what was going on in your life at the time. When I did this, I discovered I was always worried about money. Interesting detail on that/ when this latest flare for me came, it was during the pandemic and I lost all my work (I work for myself). Ever since then, I have been struggling to build up my business, still worried. So it never really had a chance to calm down.

one more tidbit: there’s this thing called conditioning. (Do a search on it in here for more info.) So symptoms might start for a reason and then stick around because it’s sort of like a habit for your subconscious. It associates a certain place with pain— like you walked home the first time mad. Then later, it just hurt out of habit on your walk home.

I’ve had TMS sciatica, butt and leg pain for years and just ignored it a lot and it subsided and came back on and off. Then it turned into this TMS from hell over the past few years. I used to think always in terms of how did I hurt my back today. Did I walk too much? Did my nerve pinch? Because that’s how we are trained to think. But try thinking only about your emotional life. Examine everything. Write pages and pages of thoughts. Pretend you are five years old. Say anything you want. See what comes out. That’s what I’m doing. Haven’t licked this round yet, but I have before. So I’m not giving up.

I’m in this with you! We will get this!
 
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Diana-M said:
Eli,
I was noticing in your post above how your symptoms did all sorts of things depending on where you were going or what you were doing. It might be worth journaling to find out —or just plain analyzing—what you weee thinking and feeling at the times of flare up. Some jobs you hated. Some you liked. Were the people nice? Were you worried about money? Mad you had to walk home? Mad you had to work from home? Go back through and look for your feelings in these situations. That will be a clue for you!

There’s this well-known Dr. who studied under Sarno. His name is Howard Schubiner and he wrote a book (it’s a workbook) called Unlearn Your Pain. It’s a 28 day healing program. I did some of it (not all. I should go back to it. Got sidetracked). But one of his exercises is to write down all your TMS episodes and analyze what was going on in your life at the time. When I did this, I discovered I was always worried about money. Interesting detail on that/ when this latest flare for me came, it was during the pandemic and I lost all my work (I work for myself). Ever since then, I have been struggling to build up my business, still worried. So it never really had a chance to calm down.

one more tidbit: there’s this thing called conditioning. (Do a search on it in here for more info.) So symptoms might start for a reason and then stick around because it’s sort of like a habit for your subconscious. It associates a certain place with pain— like you walked home the first time mad. Then later, it just hurt out of habit on your walk home.

I’ve had TMS sciatica, butt and leg pain for years and just ignored it a lot and it subsided and came back on and off. Then it turned into this TMS from hell over the past few years. I used to think always in terms of how did I hurt my back today. Did I walk too much? Did my nerve pinch? Because that’s how we are trained to think. But try thinking only about your emotional life. Examine everything. Write pages and pages of thoughts. Pretend you are five years old. Say anything you want. See what comes out. That’s what I’m doing. Haven’t licked this round yet, but I have before. So I’m not giving up.

I’m in this with you! We will get this!
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@Diana-M Thank you so much for your comment! This is all such helpful advice and a lot of stuff I’ve already started applying!

The conditioning is something I think is one of my biggest focuses, and also something I think is responsible for a lot of my pain responses. This is evidenced by a few things that seemed to be a constant, but have been calming down a lot since I started learning about TMS and doing the work.

Actually, now is as good of a time as any to do an update, I suppose. Although I only posted my original post a couple of days ago, I’ve actually been learning about and applying TMS strategies for a week now and I’ve already seen improvements, and I keep compiling more and more evidence for my evidence list everyday. Yesterday was a big day for me.

I woke up and had what I’m now coining as the “dull wake up” pain in my butt. I kind of wake up with it everyday. It’s like my brain trying to persuade me against moving around. “See, just laying here hurts. Imaging what getting up is going to feel like.” But I got up anyway. Because I didn’t want to lose a perfectly good day off - And if it’s going to be painful whether I’m laying down or not, I might as well be productive.

Yesterday was the most pain free I’ve been in a while. I felt so motivated. I did some dishes; which I haven't done in a while. I put together a cute outfit. I even started learning a TikTok dance that has been showing up on my feed; And every time I would see it I would think “man if I wasn’t in pain, I’d love to learn that dance!” And even though I still was in a little bit of pain, I didn’t let it stop me. I learned the first bit of the dance! and halfway through I didn't feel any pain. That felt great!

Then a huge thing: a lot of my pain triggers are from walking. Walking to work, walking home from work, Taking the dog out, walking around at work. The list goes on. But I left to take a walk to run some errands and on my way to work (picking up some tip money)… minimal pain. And then walking to the corner store… minimal pain. And then walking back home, which is usually a big big one (sometimes its like when you have too pee and the closer you get to home the more you have to pee - but with pain) … minimal pain. And I felt a wave a joy wash over me. I got chills but in a good way. I think it might have been the biggest hit of dopamine I’ve ever had in my life. Knowing that the things that I’m doing are paying off.

I also noted that the feeling of chills was a way my body was expressing joy, not just my mind. which was good for learning to feel my emotions.

I don't think I've ever actually seen results like that with my body. I've only ever watched as my body got worse. Or got "better" for unhealthy reasons. (I.E. Losing lots of weight because of poor life choices) and I think that I had kind of resigned myself to believing that that was the only way to see those results for myself. I think I half realized all this in that moment, and half now writing it out.

I've been journaling everyday. At least one thing from the three lists. Whichever pops out the most. The past ones seem to be hitting me the past couple of days. I've stopped putting on a timer, because I feel like that is an added pressure for me to perform to a certain standard. Nicole Sachs says minimum 20 minutes - the SEP says 5-10. keeping in mind that I'm someone who thinks to much about doing things, "by the book" I thought that setting a timer might not be constructive, so I've just been writing until I run out of things to say.

When I've felt pain I've been bouncing around to different things and testing things out. Right now I'm taking a big look at Somatic Tracking, especially for when I'm sitting or laying down in bed. Shifting my mindset from a place of fear to a place of curiosity and openness might be hard just because I'm not sure if just thinking, "I'm not afraid if the pain goes away or not" or, "I'm just curious and watching the pain" is enough to convince myself that I believe it. Always the skeptic. :rolleyes: (Its a big reason I avoided doing any kind of emotional introspection up until this point in the first place.) but I'm going to keep trying. I've heard a lot that a big key to convincing yourself of something is to keep saying it until you believe it. fake it till you make it! if anyone has any good tips for overcoming skepticism let me know! I'm all ears!

I've noticed a lot of improvement in my three days off, I'm trying not to be fearful of going back to work tomorrow. I know I'll probably experience pain flair ups - but I also know that I have more evidence than ever to help quell fears about pain. I'll be looking at my notes, remembering what @Cactusflower wrote about allowing myself to take breaks because I'm allowed and deserve to take breaks. and trying to address any emotions I feel when I feel them.

I'm very optimistic. Even as I've sat down to right this, my back hurt when I first sat down; and I barely feel an ache now. Just one more thing for the evidence list. ;)

How liberating.



Thank you so much, Diana, and everyone here, for your warm reception! you've all really made me feel so welcome and free to participate in this wonderful community. And I can't wait to continue down this road, together with you all!
 
ValkyrKai said:
I learned the first bit of the dance! and halfway through I didn't feel any pain. That felt great!
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ValkyrKai said:
I've noticed a lot of improvement in my three days off,
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Eli!
You are doing it! And it’s working! dancea That’s fantastic news! When you were having fun, you forgot about it. You are making so much progress in such a short time. I think people say that as you heal, you believe more and more. So I guess time will eliminate your skepticism. I think it’s so weird that you don’t have pain every time you walk. I wonder what you are thinking about in the painful walks? Maybe all you need to do is acknowledge that(?!)
That’s so cool you got a happy feeling with the chills. I’m very excited for you!
 
Diana-M said:
Eli!
You are doing it! And it’s working! dancea That’s fantastic news! When you were having fun, you forgot about it. You are making so much progress in such a short time. I think people say that as you heal, you believe more and more. So I guess time will eliminate your skepticism. I think it’s so weird that you don’t have pain every time you walk. I wonder what you are thinking about in the painful walks? Maybe all you need to do is acknowledge that(?!)
That’s so cool you got a happy feeling with the chills. I’m very excited for you!
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I really think that the pain on walks and most of my other pain triggers are conditioning. My brain thinks the walk to work is going to be painful so it is. I think the anticipation is what manifests the pain. I’m fairly confident that the more I remind myself of the walks where I don’t have pain, the less and less the pain will occur. Along with continued journaling and trying my best to address my emotions when they happen. But I don’t think my pain is as much triggered my emotions in the moment as much as the pain was brought on by emotions in general , and then my brain associated the pain with the activity and said “last time it started hurting around 7pm. So it hurts at 7pm” if that makes sense.

Another reason I think this is because when I have had flair ups, I’ve tried thinking about how I’m feeling, or how I was feeling leading up to the pain; and unless it was some super fast flash in the pan emotion, for the most part I’ve been in a fairly good mood. That’s not to say that I don’t think my emotions aren’t what is causing the pain. I only mean that I don’t think that every time there is a flair up it’s because of a mood change or an immediate emotional response. Or I just haven’t been able to feel them.
 
ValkyrKai said:
if anyone has any good tips for overcoming skepticism let me know! I'm all ears!
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This is all good work, Eli. And I actually do have something specific for the skepticism/doubt and also for the flares in general, which is self-talk.

Your TMS brain mechanism is not an aberration. It was evolutionarily designed to do one job, and one job only, but it's a really important one, which is to keep you safe in this extremely dangerous primitive wilderness. Except, of course for the fact that our brain has that totally wrong, because our brains still think we're living in a dangerous primitive wilderness - after all, modern society is just a teensy blip of time since homo sapiens evolved to live for tens of thousands of years in the wilderness. So this job of keeping you safe means keeping you in fear, always on edge, always looking out for danger and always, always assuming the worst. This works for absolute shit in modern society , never mind in a society with the extremely complex stresses since the advent of the industrial age .

So when you have skepticism and doubt, when you experience a sudden flare or a new symptom, or even if you suddenly experience anxiety, the technique that has always worked really well for me is logical self-talk. I just thank my fear brain and remind it that this (whatever symptom) is not necessary because I'm actually physically quite safe. The self-talk for skepticism and doubt is basically the same, which is to say "thank you for trying to keep me safe, and in fact I AM safe, and I'm going to choose to believe in this process and have faith that my symptoms are unnecessary."

It's important to acknowledge that your brain is doing what it thinks it's is best, and that it's okay for you to be vulnerable to your true emotions instead of repressing them.
 
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Diana-M said:
“thank you, but I’m safe.”
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I can't believe that technique hasn't come up in our many conversations before, but ya know, there's so much information, and only so much ability to share only so much of it at any given time :facepalm:. Eli just happened to ask the right question which triggered that part of my toolkit!
 
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