Hi Jan,
THANK YOU for your WONDERFUL REPLY!!!!!
My immediate impression is that it sounds lovely that you've forgiven your aunt and your brother. And then I look at everything else you've written, and I'm not buying it. I say this, not to be mean, but because I want to encourage you to find a way to honestly access your true emotions, as scary as that will be for you. The fact that you are afraid to read Dr. Mate because you might discover that you are making yourself sick is kind of a giveaway that your brain is locked down and keeping you from seeing the truth in your own unconscious.
You are right, I deep down haven't forgiven as I still feel hurt and when one keeps thing of what someone has done to them they haven't forgiven. I read this book called the "forgiveness myth" it is a good book...
IMO, the concept of "forgiveness" is often misunderstood and misused. I think you'll find a number of people here who believe that you do NOT have to "forgive" someone's unforgivable behavior. You can, perhaps, understand why your brother is such a jerk and doesn't want to help (was he always selfish, or did your parents raise him badly, or could it have something to do with his own anger at your parents for keeping you in the dark?) But understanding why he is this way doesn't mean that you have to forgive his abandonment of you! You should have a tremendous amount of rage about that. And the thing is, you do - but your brain is doing a great job of stuffing that rage way down into your unconscious, because such thoughts might mean that you're a bad person and that's unacceptable. Instead, your brain gives you pain.
This is exactly what the authors of the Forgiveness Myth talk about...Forgiveness is often misunderstood and misused. My Brother has always been distance from our family. He left 25 years ago, and barely came around. However, a year before my Father's death he started making up for lost time and then my Dad unexpectably passed away. My Brother found out about his adoption the night of my Father's death! He told me he always knew something was wrong as he felt different. I deep down feel like he doesn't love us and that is "REJECTION and Abandonment! Instead of helping me with Mom, i.e. getting ready for what may come like government help or assistant living, he has wants to find his real mother. That makes me ANGRY! His real Mom (is his adopted Mom) the one who loved him and took care of him and got him out of that hell hole country GREECE!!! Believe me, I told my Mom, I wish you could of adopted different son. How is that for release! My understanding of him is he might be messed up mentally! Not only has he tried to find his birth Mother, but, says he could have other Brothers and Sisters that he would like to meet.
Speaking of abandonment, have you even had a moment to yourself to access your rage and sadness over your abandonment by your birth parents? How about your father's denial of your true relationship for the 48 years you were supposedly part of his life? And your mom enabled that? Oh. My. God. !!! Where is your rage about all of that? You talk about it intellectually, and presumably you've cried about it, but have you been able to admit to yourself that they totally screwed up? Your true rage is there somewhere, but it's WAY too unacceptable to have such thoughts about your parents - that would mean you're a REALLY bad person. So your brain gives you pain.
OMG, my Mom who has dementia tried to tell me my Birth Mother was 13 years old when she had me. I don't know what to believe, but, the first thing that comes to mind, was she RAPED? Is my brother and I created from RAPE?? We both have different both Mothers,but, how could both of them give birth at 13 years old. A good friend of the family who is Greek told me to stop thinking that I was created from Rape and that I don't know the Greeks....She told me to not think that way. As stated my Brother found out about his adoption the night my Father passed away and I found out 6 months later.
The first thing that came to my mind was...What does it matter now at my age that I found I am adopted. I loved my adopted Parent's and look like my Adopted Mother. But in finding out I was adopted late I kind of loss my sense of identity...Like, who am I??? I also will say I dislike my Birth Mother for giving me up! I know she probably couldn't take care of me but giving up a child is the ultimate REJECTION. When reading SteveO's book regard Clancy McKenzie, about how the child feels abandon if the mother doesn't bond with child...Well for 6 months (until my Parent's adopted me) who know if my Birth Mom bonded with me.
You sound like someone who is trying SO hard to be good and understanding - but you need to see that it is the goodism that is hurting you. That, plus fear, plus beating yourself up. Fear is a great distraction for what is really going on deep down, which is what makes it a powerful roadblock to healing. Add negative self-talk, and you've got the perfect storm for TMS.
OMG, you are right!!!! But how does one give up the goodism, LOL I was also brainwashed by religion! I love GOD and I believe in a higher power but for many years I was brought up in a GREEK ORTHODOX up bringing. I NEVER and I mean NEVER fit in that culture and guess what I am GREEK, LOL
I have lots of baggage and underachiever, and finding out I had Asperger's and never got help was no ride in the park.
My Mom and Dad were 50's type Parent's...Mom stays home and takes care of the kids while Dad brings home the bacon. My Mom was told many times that something was wrong with me. I had severe dyslexia and couldn't receipt the alphabets until 3rd grade, that and math disabilities and slight form of autism. She swept it under the rug and my Dad never knew....
When I was old enough and didn't have boyfriends and loosing jobs, the both made me co dependent on them! Am I angry at them YES and I have admitted it...
But, who knew about LD kids in the late 70's early 80's..I was labeled dumb by the teachers and put in what was called a Learning Resource Center...I was passed through the cracks and that was that.
Well, he's absolutely right that changing your mind/perception/experience is an important part of recovery, but ignoring repressed emotions? I think that's wishful thinking. It might work for some people for a while, and it may in fact be fine for some people who have quite shallow issues. But when the pain doesn't go away, gets worse, or comes back worse than ever, this advice is way too simplistic, and psychotherapy is called for. Even those of us who did not experience a dysfunctional upbringing still harbor secret rage, resentment, and shame that stem from all of those little childhood incidents and relationships that form our adult psyche. Sadly, you don't have shallow issues - you've got a number of very big issues. I haven't even conjectured about your aunt, never mind your mother and your role as her caretaker - these are land mines. Hidden, just waiting to explode while you tiptoe around in constant fear. That is also no way to live
Well, according to Monte it is our day to day repressed feelings not some stuff that happened 40 years ago. Who knows, but, I have journaled and I have even gone to a pschyotherapist back in the day. My Aunt, which is on Dad's sister was not nice to me and would always say to my Mom, what is wrong with her...I am angry at my Mom cause she didn't like confrontation! She would try to reason with her! If It were me I would of told her to take a HIKE and leave my daughter alone.
My aunt tried to do the same thing and called me crazy in front of my Mom while she was trying to steal money. My Mom let her do it even though she didn't like it! I took the beating and I told my Mom no more. My Mom said to me that when she goes she doesn't want my Aunt at her funeral and if she shows, she will haunt me. I didn't think that was funny and I told her...If you don't want her at your funeral, you call her while you are still alive and tell her yourself, I am threw with doing your dirty work.
Okay, so, I have never spilled my guts like this on a forum, I truly do want therapy at least caregiver therapy...I feel like not only have I lost m Dad, but, my Mom too as she has dementia and is not the Mom of yester years...
Thanks so much and sorry for the long post.
Kalo
