Day 23 Rough day. LOA.

[Layne]

Today was really hard. It seems as though I have TMS on the run, though, as I've now realized I am depressed - it has likely been an undercurrent in my life for some time. I read the article that someone posted in another thread: http://drjamespsychologist-com.webs.com/emotional-style-chron-pain , and it resonated with me. I have tried so hard to be positive, to see the silver lining that I think I deny the negative. I believe in the law of attraction and thus, I tend to try to keep my mindset positive. I think this might actually be a drawback to the LOA. If we are constantly expected to stay in a positive state of mind, how do we correctly deal with negative things that we manifest? Do we acknowledge the negativity and then turn it around? I still believe that a positive attitude is essential and I don't think I will stop trying to cultivate it, as the article said, but I do think I need to give more attention to the negative that happens.

For day 23 I journaled about my student loans as a current stressor. I just graduated with my Masters and shortly before graduation I realized that I wasn't actually going to Grad School because I wanted to. I used it as an escape from my terrible marriage. I was scared to get a job and so I went to Grad School. I took out the max student loans because I knew that, psychologically, I couldn't handle school and work. I had a sort of part time job as photo editor for the paper while in school but to have worked and tried to do schoolwork would have been impossible for me.

So now I have these loans that I just want to run away from because they have sentenced me to indentured servitude for the next however many years it's going to take to pay them off and it freaks me out. I am terrified. There is no way I can get a "real" full time job right now because of where my mind and body are. Not only is it impossible to work a full 8 hours (I get exhausted easily,) I don't have the cognitive capacity to learn a new "responsible" position.

I feel so irresponsible for not knowing more about debt and money and for using grad school as an avoidance technique... I am ashamed and terrified.

 

[Patti Kimler]

Layne,

It sounds like you are facing some dark emotions right now. I've been there, and it can feel like a very alone time. But be there with yourself. I know that sounds strange, but it's necessary. Accept the decisions that you've made, even the ones that make you feel ashamed. Every decision you've made has grown you as a person into who you are now. And you may not be able to see it, but you are wonderful! You are insightful- you see the drive behind decisions that you made, even though at the time you made them they looked like something very different. That takes a level of clarity that some people never get to. And you may have decided to go after your Master's for the wrong reason, but now you have it, and it can serve you well. Money spent on education is never wasted.

If you can't go after that "real" full-time job, then look for something part-time, or work as a contractor/consultant. Be creative and work within your current limitations, knowing that they won't always be there.

Honor your emotions- they are yours, and they can serve you by adding to that mountain of character I'm sure you already have.

All my best,
-Patti

 

[Layne]

Wow, many thanks for your kind response. It moved me to tears and made me feel hopeful. I have actually been exploring the idea of becoming a consultant. I just bought Strengths Finder 2.0 to start exploring my strengths, as it has been a dream of mine to become an entrepreneur.

Thank you thank you.

 

[Patti Kimler]

Layne, I'm glad you have some hope! Being an entrepreneur is never a straight road, so perhaps it's not coincidental that the path you're on now is not a straight one. You're welcome you're welcome, -Patti

 

[Leslie]

Don't sell yourself short in the meantime Layne! You have a very "real" job. You really go there regularly, you REALLY work while you're there, and the paycheck that eats at the debt snowball is very real too. It might not be your dream job or where you thought you might be at this point, but it's real and admirable.

I have no doubt you're going to be the absolute best at whatever you do in your life. Right now you're learning to take the best possible care of Layne, and that is a very real job as well.

 

[Stella]

Hi Layne,
We have all done things we are ashamed of. Remember how important it is to forgive yourself. You will make it through all this taking one bite at a time out of that big elephant. I know it seems over whelming but you can do this.

I look at Dr. David Schecter's TMS Questionnaire. Several of the questions I can relate to and maybe you can too.
-Does the pain ever move to another location in your body or jump around?
-Have you noticed the pain improves when you have another tension related illness?
Three years ago when I was having shingles, pelvic and bladder pain I was not depressed. It seemed so odd because I have been depressed all my life. Learning bout TMS I then wondered if my mind had only so much pain to project/thrust into my body and there was not enough left to go into my head. Now that my physical pain is significantly less I find I have to be very mindful of the dark cloud that periodically floats into my head. For me it is related to the people pleasing personality trait.

A few days ago I was walking with a neighbor. I was telling her about my work on setting up a TMS Support Group. She made a mild but negative comment. Her posture and tone of voice were not positive. This was really a minor situation but boy did I beat myself up for not being perfect and not making her happy. Did I say it wrong? Could I have said it better? I journaled about it. It got down to repressed anger.

I am so very good at reading all the non-verbal communication from people. Sure gets me in trouble a lot.

You have really accomplished a lot. You have made such great progress. Sandy

 

[Leslie]

People "reading" gets me into trouble a lot too Sandy! As talented as I think I am at it, when I actually have the courage to confirm my findings, more often than not I find out I was wrong. Previously I would find out I was wrong after much self-battering over what I "thought I knew". It's not easy for me, but I am improving at attempting to confirm the accuracy of my "read" before I make an in-depth response to myself. In my case I often get so wrapped up in what I believe is being communicated non-verbally that it significantly changes the verbal message I receive as well.

 

[Layne]

-Does the pain ever move to another location in your body or jump around?
-Have you noticed the pain improves when you have another tension related illness?
Three years ago when I was having shingles, pelvic and bladder pain I was not depressed. It seemed so odd because I have been depressed all my life. Learning bout TMS I then wondered if my mind had only so much pain to project/thrust into my body and there was not enough left to go into my head. Now that my physical pain is significantly less I find I have to be very mindful of the dark cloud that periodically floats into my head. For me it is related to the people pleasing personality trait....I am so very good at reading all the non-verbal communication from people. Sure gets me in trouble a lot.

It does move around, yes! And I have noticed before that when I have been sick with a cold or whatever, if it's bad enough, I don't have anxiety. In fact, throughout the day it will move around from my stomach, to a headache, to whatever else - especially if I "call it out" in each location.

I, too am very good at reading non verbals. I think of it sometimes as being an empath and being able to sense subtle energies, but I have wondered if maybe I am just overly sensitive because I fine-tuned my awareness throughout my life in order to better assess whether or not I could be carefree or should be cautious in my interactions. Like, is mom going to be "this" way or "that" way right now?

 

[Leslie]

I think you may be on to something in your final paragraph Layne. Your suspicions of where your "reading" skills developed is where I'm pretty sure mine came from. Funny thing is that I've learned recently, that's really the only relationship where I can actually rely on the "accuracy" of my read. I habitually apply those same talents to every other human interaction I have and my skills are rarely as accurate.

I have also noticed that the pain intensity may change with other things going on. Last Friday I was consumed with anxiety about my cat's health. I was so caught up in my concern for him and getting him to the vet that the pain didn't even enter my mind. I didn't even realize the pain had stopped until I got back home from the vet, a bit calmer, and it came back. I think that for me, depression, anxiety, and the physical pain are all weapons in the same arsenal but my subconscious has a some sort of rule it has to follow about using them - like the combination of any of the 3 cannot exceed a certain amount so if the anxiety is up the pain has to go down and vice versa.

 

[Layne]

Wow! Wouldn't it be nice to figure out that rule so you can break it! I personally think that different traumas or different core beliefs are responsible for particular pains. Like, my perfectionism shows up in the tight chest or my goodist shows up in a headache, etc... I don't know if it's right but it makes sense to me on a level.