Romantic relationships and TMS- would love your help!

H

hlondon

Newcomer
Hi All,
I am a lifelong TMS sufferer, the knowledge of TMS and all of the methods have utterly transformed my life and pain and anxiety have dramatically improved, thankfully!!

So here is my question. I struggle SO much with romantic relationships and as such have not been in a romantic relationship for many years, but to have a partner is something that I long for in my life. I seem to get anxiety every, single time I date someone. Most recently I have gone on 3 dates with someone, I have had a nice time, had fun, it felt relaxed but I also experienced doubt (am I attracted to him enough? Is he funny enough? I noticed he can be a little pushy) my thinking brain would be up for going on another couple of dates with him to see if things could develop, but my TMS symptoms/somatic body is shouting YOU ARE TRAPPED you must escape immediately! Some further context....I grew up in a traumatic household where relationships didn't feel safe and my only long-term relationship involved me caring for someone I felt trapped with!

Do my fellow TMS suffers have any insight into whether my body is just letting me know 'this person isn't right for you, you don't like them" or if it I have a fearful learned response to romantic relationships and this is something that I need to push through? Since dating this man I have headache, neck-pain and anxiety so it feels pretty intense and unbearable! I communicated with him that I find dating difficult and can't feel under any pressure. He reassured me that I am not under any pressure but still it feels difficult to manage.

Any help would be very gratefully received! Thank you in advance.
 
Perhaps that little voice is not your TMS brain but your incredibly razor sharp intuition that is giving you good advice?
If you have done TMS work in the past, this is great journalling fodder! Bet you can figure out if it’s always fear taking or your deep inner self that now knows you well and knows what you want and need.
Make some notes of your values, beliefs, strengths, interests and use these for discerning if you just want to meet people or if you are searching for a life partner.
 
hlondon said:
Hi All,
I am a lifelong TMS sufferer, the knowledge of TMS and all of the methods have utterly transformed my life and pain and anxiety have dramatically improved, thankfully!!

So here is my question. I struggle SO much with romantic relationships and as such have not been in a romantic relationship for many years, but to have a partner is something that I long for in my life. I seem to get anxiety every, single time I date someone. Most recently I have gone on 3 dates with someone, I have had a nice time, had fun, it felt relaxed but I also experienced doubt (am I attracted to him enough? Is he funny enough? I noticed he can be a little pushy) my thinking brain would be up for going on another couple of dates with him to see if things could develop, but my TMS symptoms/somatic body is shouting YOU ARE TRAPPED you must escape immediately! Some further context....I grew up in a traumatic household where relationships didn't feel safe and my only long-term relationship involved me caring for someone I felt trapped with!

Do my fellow TMS suffers have any insight into whether my body is just letting me know 'this person isn't right for you, you don't like them" or if it I have a fearful learned response to romantic relationships and this is something that I need to push through? Since dating this man I have headache, neck-pain and anxiety so it feels pretty intense and unbearable! I communicated with him that I find dating difficult and can't feel under any pressure. He reassured me that I am not under any pressure but still it feels difficult to manage.

Any help would be very gratefully received! Thank you in advance.
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Hi, I was complaining of not having a girlfriend, this summer I got one. Unfortunately I didn't stand the pressure, thus my thyroid swelled. They say that when the thyroid right lobe swells is because "perform, or else". I was so afraid if loosing her that I manage to spend all my energy trying to please her.

Unfortunately I had toey her go, because I'm now facing chronic pain again.

So I keep running away from TMS. It is a shame.
 
This is pretty much what avoidant attachment personalities are. I am one. Yes relationships are difficult. Haven’t dated in 2ish years after I really hurt my ex by being avoidant and subsequently super toxic. As you describe, it is very common in those raised in ‘unstable’ households, we feel we can’t rely on anyone but ourselves and learn to associate relationships with profound risk in terms of losing our freedom/agency.

I would Imagine there is overlap between TMS and the non secure attachment styles (anxious, avoidants etc). as these types are almost certainly going to have childhood trauma and somewhat dysfunctional thought processes. In my experience it isn’t something that’s just going to go away. It needs to be challenged, which I struggle with.

I think Cactus brings up a good point about considering the possibility that this is your intuition and you should examine whether you feel you can trust it. The early dating/ relationship phase is when you should feel the most enamored with someone, not that it should have to fade, but it’s interesting you’re getting these signs so early.
 
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Cactusflower said:
Perhaps that little voice is not your TMS brain but your incredibly razor sharp intuition that is giving you good advice?
If you have done TMS work in the past, this is great journalling fodder! Bet you can figure out if it’s always fear taking or your deep inner self that now knows you well and knows what you want and need.
Make some notes of your values, beliefs, strengths, interests and use these for discerning if you just want to meet people or if you are searching for a life partner.
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This is so helpful, thank you! I think you are definitely right, I have been using this as a prompt for my journalling today and I thought of all the times I have gotten anxious and they have always been the wrong person! Thank you so much for your insights.
 
I just wanted to thank everyone for responding to my post. Your comments have been super helpful and given me a lot to think about. I think one of the most confusing things for me is that with TMS I try and overcome anxiety. For example, I have been afraid of public transport for years but used TMS techniques and knowledge to face the fear and overcome it. But with relationship anxiety it feels like maybe it is your intuition talking to you but this is where my confusion comes from as those 2 things feel a little contradictory.

I will keep journalling and hope to figure this out eventually!
 
hlondon said:
this is where my confusion comes from as those 2 things feel a little contradictory.
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Hmm, maybe this is simply your TMS brain creating reasons to doubt yourself, when the real truth is that in the big picture, it all comes from the same place. Which I realize is a very obscure statement. Let me see if I can break it down:

Anxiety is a normal and natural brain function, evolutionarily designed to keep us safe. This evolution occurred many tens of thousands of years ago, long before humans only recently started gathering together in what we now call civilization.

Humans in the primitive world had no problem understanding that they needed to trust their gut instincts in order to survive. Modern humans are hampered by things like societal pressures and parental dysfunction. For example, abusive or neglectful families result in dysfunctional individuals who respond to relationships and to normal life stressors as dangerous. Overly controlling or fearful families result in anxious individuals who don't know how to take risks. Obviously there is an enormous range of different experiences all up and down the scale of types and scope. In all cases the normal functioning and trusting of our natural instincts is disrupted.

These are some big-picture concepts regarding anxiety and gut instincts. In real life, I can offer my own experience, which is that my parents encouraged us to trust our instincts and gave us a certain amount of freedom to take risks appropriate to our ages. I used my instincts when I was younger and dating, and doing so helped me avoid serious trouble. I trusted my instincts during my 30+ years as a public accountant, to quickly weed out dysfunctional clients who did not respect me or were ethically challenged. Even before I learned about Dr Sarno and TMS back in 2011, I had used my instincts for many decades to determine whether or not I really needed to be concerned about any particular symptom, and I was almost always right (with the exception of the summer I was ignoring symptoms of what turned out to be pneumonia which is why I guess they call it "walking" pneumonia - and that was in 2018, 7 years "after Sarno":facepalm:). I was the kind of lifelong TMSer who was always relieved when a medical professional told me they couldn't find anything wrong - at which point whatever symptom I'd gone in for would disappear (as opposed to those TMSers who keep going to doctors hoping that someone will have the magic answer and the magic cure - and those are the ones who keep struggling).

As you can see, there are many different ways in which we can use our built-in anxiety mechanism to correctly trust our instincts and make decisions for our benefit - no matter which direction that decision goes in. Sometimes that simply means calming down our anxiety and being mindful and truthful about what is evoking our automatic stress response - and then acting rationally in support of that truth.

TL;DR: don't let your primitive and fear-based TMS brain mechanism try to get you to believe in black & white distinctions that don't actually exist! This entire body of knowledge and advice is strictly based on the caveat YMMV.
 
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hlondon said:
I noticed he can be a little pushy
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I’ve realised that the same standards I hold for friends should apply in relationships too, and I’d really recommend you do the same. If someone’s behaviour would make you uneasy in a friendship — being pushy, dismissive, or crossing boundaries — it’s a clear sign they’re not right as a partner either. What feels off early on usually grows louder over time. Respect, kindness, and ease aren’t extras; they’re the foundation of something genuine and lasting.
 
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