Rock and a hard place...?

[hecate105]

I'm in a quandary. Having learnt that repressing my emotions causes pain - I am now trying to deal with family/relationship problems by facing up to them and dealing with them. But I am in a situation where I do not want to be bullied any more by a family member. She is set in a pattern of her own and although I have tackled her about it she will not listen. I feel that I do not want to see her at all really - or at least not often. But the rest of the family revolves around her and the parents want us all to do things together very often. It is always on her terms and she organises everyone. I want to opt out but by doing so my in-laws would get really upset. Which is why I have not opted out but let it go on the last 27 years! She now wants to ratchet up even more time 'together ' as the parents are getting older - and it makes my blood run cold... ! What should I do? Cause my parents-in-law grief or suck it up and feel like crap myself? Is there any other way?

 

[Zumbafan]

I feel for you, I was in that scene many years ago.
What about compromise? Go to an event but state you can only stay a predetermined length of time. Or say you can only attend every other event?
You don't upset people, they upset themselves by placing their own agenda on others, and not respecting other people's lives.
Try not to think of yourself as a victim, this leads to negative thinking, conflict, and pain.
Hans Selye says most of our tensions and frustrations stem from compulsive needs to ACT the role of someone we are not.
Look after yourself, as you are already looking after others.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

I got bored to tears attending my mother's family reunion every Saturday or Sunday.
The men just complained about their boring jobs and their wives worried that their husbands drank too much
and they would all get killed driving home.
I gradually stopped attending, saying I had to spend more time looking for a girl to marry,
and this was accepted, so that the weekly visits became monthly and then just on holidays.

Too much family get togethers can cause TMS.

 

[Ellen]

What should I do? Cause my parents-in-law grief or suck it up and feel like crap myself? Is there any other way?

Hi Hecate,
Always nice to see you on the Forum. If I recall correctly this issue has been a problem for you for awhile. Your parents-in-laws have choices in how they react to the situation and their reaction is not your responsibility. If you honestly state that you would prefer to spend time with them without this person present, but that you do want to see them--well, they can sort out how to deal with that.

I sense that there is a bigger issue with why this person "makes your blood boil" besides just that person's controlling nature. I know you are an experienced journaller. Have you uncovered the deeper issue here? Usually when someone provokes that strong of a reaction it is because they are triggering a deep wound. I think finding that will lead you to a resolution.

 

[hecate105]

Thanks for all these wise replies!
Yes Ellen, there are deeper issues. I was pushed into situations when I was a child - lots of step-family stuff which has made me very anti being 'organised' by people! Also feeling that I could never have things as I wanted (my Dad back, no step dad, not to move house and school so much) I do recognise that on some level I am jealous of this person's power - how they get their own way in every situation - how everyone wants them to be happy even if it makes it difficult for everyone else... The three year old child inside me is stamping her feet and screaming 'it isn't fair'!!!
But I also see that it is not fair for the rest of the family. I see my husband always give in because he doesn't want the conflict, I see my in-laws contort themselves to fit into her plans, I see her husband and kids kowtow to everything. It just does not seem fair. I think fairness is a BIG issue for me!
I will see how it goes at the next family 'do' ....and make sure I meditate/journal and deep breath a lot first!