Linnea
Peer Supporter
Hi everyone!
It has been 4 month since my last visit here and about 5 month since “discovering” TMS as a theory. Why the absence? Well, I felt that my way forward was slowing down reading about people who struggled and that it made me afraid that it wasn´t gonna work for me either. But now I feel it´s time to make an update and talk to people who understand what a TMS recovery is all about!
Changes I´ve made since discovering TMS:
- Stopped talking my “nerve pain medication”, cold turkey. Almost the first thing I did.
· Got read of all my ergonomical devices, quit doing the rehabilitation exercises designed by different doctors and therapists.
· Start working out double the time or sometimes triple the time I used to before. From 10-15 minutes of swimming, to 40-25 minutes. I can take walks for about an hour, I´ve even been climbing on an indoor wall once!
· The hesitation about doing physical things has decreased a bit, my first reaction is still “no, I can’t do that”, but many times I change my mind and does it anyway, like carrying a heavy table or a baby, window cleaning etc.
· I´ve been travelling once (my biggest fear last 2 years), 4 days abroad with less control, less possibility to rest etc. Went OK, but had a lot of pain, did break down once out of pain and disappointment.
· I work longer hours, before TMS about 4-5 hours a day, now sometimes even up to 6-8 hours.
· I understand that my pain is psychological and not physical. But mostly on an intellectual level, than on an emotional level. Huge struggle here!
· Have told my therapist a bit about TMS and she´s kind of buying it, since she´s into mindfulness, but of course it would be better with a trained TMS psychiatrist.
· I´ve started confronting some of my biggest emotional traumas.
· I allow myself to cry and be angry much more than before and I write about it and try to find the reasons behind the feelings.
· And a few more…
Now, about the pain: it hasn´t gone away. It´s moving around, some types of pain are less common, some areas are almost gone, but it has found new ways and is pretty consistent. I feel I have pain almost every waking minute, unless I´ve just finished a good exercise, with the blood pumping.
In the beginning I felt I had better days and I was really positive, but my biggest flaw is my impatience. I keep hammering myself with “it´s been almost half a year now, I´m never going to make this, I´m a hopeless case” and so on… You might know the feeling: you´re tired of trying, you just want to be normal, you feel it’s unfair and thoughts like that. I feel I live half a life, managing to work, but is too sad and vulnerable to be able to keep my social life going. Mostly the sadness has increased last couple of months, and it´s not easy to be social when you´re sad.
I still believe that the TMS theory/method is the key, but I have a really hard time believing it will work for me.
Well, that´s it for me right now, feels like I will be more active here again since I´ve been losing a bit of the TMS focus lately! Overall - on the positive side, it IS better than before, but I need MORE! And I need to feel positive again, I´m so fricking tired of this body!
There, feel a bit better now, hope you´re all doing well in your recovery!
Linnea, the Swede
It has been 4 month since my last visit here and about 5 month since “discovering” TMS as a theory. Why the absence? Well, I felt that my way forward was slowing down reading about people who struggled and that it made me afraid that it wasn´t gonna work for me either. But now I feel it´s time to make an update and talk to people who understand what a TMS recovery is all about!
Changes I´ve made since discovering TMS:
- Stopped talking my “nerve pain medication”, cold turkey. Almost the first thing I did.
· Got read of all my ergonomical devices, quit doing the rehabilitation exercises designed by different doctors and therapists.
· Start working out double the time or sometimes triple the time I used to before. From 10-15 minutes of swimming, to 40-25 minutes. I can take walks for about an hour, I´ve even been climbing on an indoor wall once!
· The hesitation about doing physical things has decreased a bit, my first reaction is still “no, I can’t do that”, but many times I change my mind and does it anyway, like carrying a heavy table or a baby, window cleaning etc.
· I´ve been travelling once (my biggest fear last 2 years), 4 days abroad with less control, less possibility to rest etc. Went OK, but had a lot of pain, did break down once out of pain and disappointment.
· I work longer hours, before TMS about 4-5 hours a day, now sometimes even up to 6-8 hours.
· I understand that my pain is psychological and not physical. But mostly on an intellectual level, than on an emotional level. Huge struggle here!
· Have told my therapist a bit about TMS and she´s kind of buying it, since she´s into mindfulness, but of course it would be better with a trained TMS psychiatrist.
· I´ve started confronting some of my biggest emotional traumas.
· I allow myself to cry and be angry much more than before and I write about it and try to find the reasons behind the feelings.
· And a few more…
Now, about the pain: it hasn´t gone away. It´s moving around, some types of pain are less common, some areas are almost gone, but it has found new ways and is pretty consistent. I feel I have pain almost every waking minute, unless I´ve just finished a good exercise, with the blood pumping.
In the beginning I felt I had better days and I was really positive, but my biggest flaw is my impatience. I keep hammering myself with “it´s been almost half a year now, I´m never going to make this, I´m a hopeless case” and so on… You might know the feeling: you´re tired of trying, you just want to be normal, you feel it’s unfair and thoughts like that. I feel I live half a life, managing to work, but is too sad and vulnerable to be able to keep my social life going. Mostly the sadness has increased last couple of months, and it´s not easy to be social when you´re sad.
I still believe that the TMS theory/method is the key, but I have a really hard time believing it will work for me.
Well, that´s it for me right now, feels like I will be more active here again since I´ve been losing a bit of the TMS focus lately! Overall - on the positive side, it IS better than before, but I need MORE! And I need to feel positive again, I´m so fricking tired of this body!
There, feel a bit better now, hope you´re all doing well in your recovery!
Linnea, the Swede
