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Repressing Anger
- Thread starter Lojos
- Start date
Ellen
Beloved Grand Eagle
This issue has been debated often on this forum over the years. Some people are able to recover from TMS by simply realizing that they are repressing emotions, and don't have to dig deeper to find out what precisely they are repressing. Others need more specificity or more time spent digging. The human psyche is so complex and individualized that I think it is impossible to come up with a precise formula.
I think the best course of action is to follow a structured TMS program, work on it daily, and then let it unfold for you in your own unique way.
I think the best course of action is to follow a structured TMS program, work on it daily, and then let it unfold for you in your own unique way.
Cactusflower
Beloved Grand Eagle
Sarno himself dug for specifics to help his own migraines, but only because he needed to.
I need to for some things, but for most I just need to allow the sensation of any emotion to be present, reasoning it away or excavating doesn’t help me do anything but distract myself from the sensations much of the time (especially for more conscious emotions).
I need to for some things, but for most I just need to allow the sensation of any emotion to be present, reasoning it away or excavating doesn’t help me do anything but distract myself from the sensations much of the time (especially for more conscious emotions).
JanAtheCPA
Beloved Grand Eagle
My thoughts are pretty cynical, based on my years of observations of people going to great lengths to justify their avoidance of the emotional work.
To actually say point blank that "it's not beneficial" sounds like a pretty extreme oversimplification, and doesn't sound like something a legitimate licensed therapist would actually say.
This statement may have been taken out of context and reposted by someone who is desperate for a simplistic answer that fits what they want to hear.
As @Ellen said, some people don't need to do a lot of digging to overcome common mid-life-crisis/stress-based TMS. But we see a ton of folks who come back sooner or later to do the real work, because the TMS knowledge alone is not working for them.
Do it sooner, or do it later, is what it seems to come down to.
Lojos
Peer Supporter
Sorry for this pity party I am having.
I have the opposite of people going out of their home.I have to go out every day in the morning either to have morning tea with friends in this retirement village or brunch.I sometimes wonder if it is an addiction.
I have spoken about my 4th lot of cancer this year and having to take 33visits to the hospital and the fatigue I am feeling.Most afternoons I rest.
Now this is what I am confused about is my granddaughter and her wife are up from Sydney (I am in Qnsld) and staying at my daughters.I saw them Christmas Day and we had a great time.I haven’t seen them for 3years as they have been holidaying with my daughter on their boat in the Med .They were married in Greece in Sept and obviously I couldn’t go as I was in hospital at that time.
I know this is petty but I am really disappointed that they are not coming over to see my new house here in the retirement village where I have been for a year.Do I journal about that.? I am having lunch with them tomorrow at the family’s restaurant.
I don’t know whether to tell my daughter that I am disappointed in them.She like me is sensitive and hates confrontation.What is the best course of action for me to take so I won’t be so affected by my symptoms?
I have the opposite of people going out of their home.I have to go out every day in the morning either to have morning tea with friends in this retirement village or brunch.I sometimes wonder if it is an addiction.
I have spoken about my 4th lot of cancer this year and having to take 33visits to the hospital and the fatigue I am feeling.Most afternoons I rest.
Now this is what I am confused about is my granddaughter and her wife are up from Sydney (I am in Qnsld) and staying at my daughters.I saw them Christmas Day and we had a great time.I haven’t seen them for 3years as they have been holidaying with my daughter on their boat in the Med .They were married in Greece in Sept and obviously I couldn’t go as I was in hospital at that time.
I know this is petty but I am really disappointed that they are not coming over to see my new house here in the retirement village where I have been for a year.Do I journal about that.? I am having lunch with them tomorrow at the family’s restaurant.
I don’t know whether to tell my daughter that I am disappointed in them.She like me is sensitive and hates confrontation.What is the best course of action for me to take so I won’t be so affected by my symptoms?
Have you actually personally invited your granddaughter and her wife to come to your new house? If not, if you have a mobile phone, my suggestion is to consider taking some photographs of the property on it so that when you go to the family restaurant you can show your granddaughter a few shots of your new abode and say to her directly that you'd love her and her wife to visit you there.
If your granddaughter declines, makes excuses, says "another time" or whatever, then you will feel miffed, but you are feeling miffed anyway, so nothing ventured nothing gained. If your granddaughter doesn't take up your offer then, yes, I would suggest that you do journal about it.
If your granddaughter declines, makes excuses, says "another time" or whatever, then you will feel miffed, but you are feeling miffed anyway, so nothing ventured nothing gained. If your granddaughter doesn't take up your offer then, yes, I would suggest that you do journal about it.
Lojos
Peer Supporter
Thank you BloodMoon no I hadn’t asked them ,and in hindsight I should have.I tend to be ‘a bit backward in coming forward ‘. They are leaving straight from the meal to go to the airport so there is little time.I guess I expect others to be thinking the way I do.I like your idea of taking photos.When I think objectively this seems so trivial.
Thanks Lorraine
Thanks Lorraine
JanAtheCPA
Beloved Grand Eagle
Well, shoot, Lorraine - there you go, invalidating your emotional pain and needs. You're judging yourself, and putting more pressure on yourself to behave a certain way, instead of saying "Fuck, this really hurts and I deserve better!"
I'm going to go back to primitive brain theory now, so please bear with me.
As biological beings, our only job is to survive just long enough to breed and raise the next generation. That's it. That is the only job of all living things. Think about that in the context of the primitive world, and compare it to our current world and the way that most of us are privileged to live safely with our first-world problems. SO MANY first-world problems, pressures, emotional threats, and existential worries... it's never-ending these days.
Eons ago in the primitive wilderness, the development of the human brain was a complete anomaly in the animal kingdom. I can assure you that it was not definitely NOT designed to comprehend the complex stressors of our modern world, stressors which only developed within a tiny sliver of time on the massive timeline of human evolution. If you define "modern" as starting when humans began to congregate in large communities, stopped knowing all of the people in their community, and were forced to develop complex rules in order to continue surviving, it's a teensy amount of time - our brains need a lot more than a few thousand years to significantly evolve over the entire human species. And look at the changes since the Industrial Revolution in less than a few centuries, the massive changes just in the last thirty years, and the dysfunction following on those changes in the last 15 years. No wonder we're suffering from an epidemic of fear and pain.
To circle back to your current suffering, it's important to understand that different animals evolved varying types of relationships and/or societies for one reason only - to ensure their survival. Our human evolution centered around small communities of individuals who spent lifetimes together or very close by. Unfortunately, the modern world along with overpopulation has brought Separation, Isolation, and Abandonment, which are powerful stressors on our emotional well-being, because in primitive societies, those things resulted in non-survival, aka death.
Separation, Isolation, and Abandonment: this is what you're dealing with. It's normal and it's natural and mental health demands acknowledging, facing, and accepting that these exist and they are what is hurting you.
What is unnatural is the amount of separation and isolation we experience in today's world. It is not serving our emotional stability and well-being in any way, shape or form.
Give yourself a break, and also take @BloodMoon's advice to be proactive and ask for what you need. No self-judgment, no self-pressure.
Lojos
Peer Supporter
Jan and Bloodmoon.
Well I had a very pleasant meal and time with my grandchildren.I approached it by saying jokingly ‘well you girls didn’t come over to see my new abode’ and one replied ‘you didn’t ask us’.I had taken with me our monthly magazine and activities sheet about the village and we had a great discussion on aging.
One of the girls is an Exercise Physiologist.
So all in all I enjoyed it and yes I realise my trouble in asking for help in everyday life , eg. cancer ,is PRIDE.
thanks for your honest responses.
Well I had a very pleasant meal and time with my grandchildren.I approached it by saying jokingly ‘well you girls didn’t come over to see my new abode’ and one replied ‘you didn’t ask us’.I had taken with me our monthly magazine and activities sheet about the village and we had a great discussion on aging.
One of the girls is an Exercise Physiologist.
So all in all I enjoyed it and yes I realise my trouble in asking for help in everyday life , eg. cancer ,is PRIDE.
thanks for your honest responses.
So glad your meal with your grandchildren went well. Somehow I just knew you hadn't asked them to visit you! You should give yourself a pat on the back... you approached the situation in a light way, and didn't involve your daughter as a 'middleman' to shoulder your original disappointment.
Isn't that one of the reasons for choosing to live in a retirement village, especially if you're living on your own... meeting up with friends and having a natter? If it's an 'addiction' then imho it's a good one to have! My late father lived to the age of 94 and my husband I believe that what kept him going for so long were his chats and friendships with his neighbours and his daily trips to the local shops plus knowing that any time he wanted he could also phone me to chew the fat (talk about the old days and about current events) and/or for any help he needed. We all need some connection with others (and I'm saying that as a bit of an introvert).
Lojos
Peer Supporter
BloodMoon -I am also an introvert,plus a perfectionist.I meet friends here for a coffee twice a week in out coffee lounge ,then the rest of the days I go out by myself which I also enjoy.Also my family wonder why I dont like staying at people’s places more than 2days.I have played a lot of competitive sports and am very competitive.Also I was a phy-ed teacher many moons ago.
What really upset me more than anything was I had to rehome my dog last year
who I got when my husband passed away.I had him for 6years and he was a darling but mischievous and would dig and escape.He loved going to the dog park and coffee afterwards.
I got a ph call 2weeks ago from the pound saying Marty had been bought in because he was out running around the streets in the suburb where his new owners lived.They hadn’t bothered to register him.It just broke my heart to think of him waiting for a family to adopt him.I rang everyday to see how he was and if he had been taken and they told me he was happy and had gone to a new home.The people who I gave him to I thought would be caring but they would not answer my ph calls my txt messages and emails. This brought back all the grief I had gone through with him a year ago.
What really upset me more than anything was I had to rehome my dog last year
who I got when my husband passed away.I had him for 6years and he was a darling but mischievous and would dig and escape.He loved going to the dog park and coffee afterwards.
I got a ph call 2weeks ago from the pound saying Marty had been bought in because he was out running around the streets in the suburb where his new owners lived.They hadn’t bothered to register him.It just broke my heart to think of him waiting for a family to adopt him.I rang everyday to see how he was and if he had been taken and they told me he was happy and had gone to a new home.The people who I gave him to I thought would be caring but they would not answer my ph calls my txt messages and emails. This brought back all the grief I had gone through with him a year ago.
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I'm introvert who isn't competitive and I was terrible at sports except for those that needed hand eye co-ordination like badminton, which I wasn't too bad at. Imo more than half the battle is won with TMS when we know what we like and don't like and accordingly accept ourselves for who we are.
It is sad that the people you gave him to didn't turn out to be responsible or affable. If the pound that he was taken to is anything like the ones we have here in the UK, they would have been better able to vet the people that have now taken him on. As an individual it's hard to ask, for fear of causing offence, probing questions of prospective owners. However, for a shelter or pound it's part of their procedure to do so, to include inspecting their garden and house to make sure that it is suitable and to make sure that they are prepared and/or used to dealing with spirited, mischievous dogs. While you're 're-grieving', Marty is therefore extremely likely to be as happy as can be in his new home... Remember that when you think and/or journal about it.
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Lojos
Peer Supporter
I am more aware of my feelings but am confused with what to do with my thoughts.
I was bought up to be competitive in every way possible ,or so I thought that’s what my parents wanted.I recall skipping a team in a bowls competition I heard someone on the sideline ‘ oh she is human after all ) when I showed frustration after a wayward bowl.My parents would not allow me to show any sign of frustration when I was younger playing tennis around NZ.
Now when I watch tennis on TV I call out when the player I don’t want to win does so and playing Scrabble on the internet if I lose I will curse ……I live by myself lol.
Where the dilemma comes is I will chastise myself afterwards and say to myself’ ‘ you should be more tolerant ‘ etc.
Any thoughts please.
I was bought up to be competitive in every way possible ,or so I thought that’s what my parents wanted.I recall skipping a team in a bowls competition I heard someone on the sideline ‘ oh she is human after all ) when I showed frustration after a wayward bowl.My parents would not allow me to show any sign of frustration when I was younger playing tennis around NZ.
Now when I watch tennis on TV I call out when the player I don’t want to win does so and playing Scrabble on the internet if I lose I will curse ……I live by myself lol.
Where the dilemma comes is I will chastise myself afterwards and say to myself’ ‘ you should be more tolerant ‘ etc.
Any thoughts please.
Cactusflower
Beloved Grand Eagle
Read Claire Weekes again. Her books are all about thoughts.
Thoughts are just thoughts. They are just there: you chose to believe them, react or act them. Claire gives explicit direction in this.
Thoughts are just thoughts. They are just there: you chose to believe them, react or act them. Claire gives explicit direction in this.
Diana-M
Beloved Grand Eagle
Jan, I loved this post you wrote! And @Lojos Lorraine. How well I related to your pain about missing your granddaughter but being unable to ask her over. I have SO much pain related to the loss of my grown kids. How busy they are. How abandoned I feel —and even angry I feel—about it. But I know intellectually they are merely living their lives. As they should be. I just want to tantrum and say, “Don’t forget about me! I love you!” Complex feelings for our modern world. In primitive times, they would have probably lived in the same cave with me. lol This world is hard and very rage inducing and sad, sometimes. Abandonment is a cornerstone of my TMS issues.
Lojos
Peer Supporter
Diana,
One of the reasons I moved into a village (retirement) is for this very reason of family not being here when I need them.They spend 3 months of the year in the Med on their boat.Fortunately I still drive so was able to pack my bag and drive to Aand E at the hospital.I also have help in the house -our system here in Australia really supports aged pensioners .
One of the reasons I moved into a village (retirement) is for this very reason of family not being here when I need them.They spend 3 months of the year in the Med on their boat.Fortunately I still drive so was able to pack my bag and drive to Aand E at the hospital.I also have help in the house -our system here in Australia really supports aged pensioners .