Day 8 reluctant to post

[Lizzy]

Hi everyone! I have been reading the forum for a couple of months, but didn't plan to post. While journaling about my dad and being reluctant to reveal anything about myself to him from about 12 yrs old l recognised the feeling was the same as my feelings about posting. Light bulb! I don't know what this means, but it must mean something!

Now that l am here, l will say l feel the forum is amazing! The people posting are making it amazing! Thank you for being a support, even to me who has been hiding. Everyone who knows me would say l am social and "open", so this is interesting. l will explore this.

 

[Ellen]

Ah, those "light bulb moments" are magical! I had one today while journaling, and I've been at this for almost 2 years. Always more to uncover. Enjoy the process. It is life changing.

Welcome to the Forum! I hope you keep posting and letting us know how you're doing. We are all here to support one another.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, ladies. Lizzy, you are getting there. You came to the realization that you need to open up more when you're posting.
Being "out" with your emotions in your posts, you will be writing about what most troubles you. That means you are
bringing your repressed emotions to the surface.

Ellen is right that even after a few years of journaling, we may find more repressed emotions. It's an on-going process.
Most of our pain may go away after we do most of our journaling, but some can remain, or new pains come on,
if we are still repressing some anger, guilt, etc.

One of these days you may be ready to sit down and have a really honest talk with your father.
Did you need one with your mother?

The more we know about our parents, the better we can understand them and forgive them.

 

[Lizzy]

My parents....The best description is he is a rage-aholic, and she is a willing victim. Just typing that makes my hands shake and heart pound. My reaction to your question about my parents is why it took me so long to answer you, Walt.

18 yrs ago I was diagnosed with major depression, and post traumatic stress from childhood. I was in therapy for 3 yrs and it was very helpful. Much of what I am learning here is what I have learned before, but I had allowd myself to forget alot. Plus, some things I learned about then I wasn't ready to impliment.

2 years ago my brother and I cut off contact with our dad, and that resulted in my mom cutting off contact with us. We knew that might happen, and decided we needed to end relations with him anyway. Although it makes me sad that this is what my family has come to, I am so relieved to be free from the whole situation. I regret I didn't do it when I was a young adult 30 years ago. There is a lot of rage there. Growing up, he never got physical, but he would yell for up to 4 hours and sometimes posture to show losing control physically was just a step away. I was very afraid of him, and as I got older I hated him with a red hot passion. That those feelings are still fresh in my subc is a new concept to me, but makes sense. My brother had bleeding colitis as a teen and has lived out of state since 19. He came back in his 30's, but moved again after 2 yrs. He couldn't stand being that close. He would always get sick when he saw our dad. I had a more emotional reaction and my sweet husband would spend a lot of time propping me up before and during visits.

I would rather not do more work in this painful area, and my brain knows that. I can see why the brain would not want to go there. Looking back, now that I know about the mindbody connection, l can see symptoms from my early teens, if not before.

This was very hard to type, so I know it is a very important post for my work. I am glad for this safe place to get well!

 

[DebraW]

Congrats Lizzy. I know how difficult this is for you. You are doing really well. Keep going. I'm on day 31 and still have a ton of pain, but I won't give up.
Hugs

 

[Lizzy]

Thanks Debra, the encouragement helps us to keep at it! Hope is so important. I am so glad you found this forum. Keep doing what you're doing and you will improve, which really gets things moving!

 

[aa3405]

Lizzy,
I am so proud of you to write what you did. It brought tears to my eyes. I also grew up with a father who raged. My mom always told us that he still loved us a lot even though he would name call and yell. It was a weird mixed message.

I am newly married and I see how even the smallest criticism from my husband triggers the reaction that I had when my dad would rage. I get very scared and I want to run away. I sometimes do this literally by going to another room in the house, shutting the door and not talking to my husband for hours or sometimes days. I know that this is harmful for our long term survival, so, I am working on realizing that he is not my dad and that it is not the same situation by doing inner child work. Even with knowing this, it is hard to not have that triggered response.

I hope that you are able to do more work on the pain, because I think it does help many of the physical and emotional issues that we face as adults.

 

[Lizzy]

aa3405, it is refreshing to have people validate the confusion the mixed messages cause. My mom would tell us dad loved us too, and she would also tell us that he asked her to say he was sorry for this or that, when I was little I believed her.

I have also had to work at not reacting to my husband with the emotions connected to my dad. I used to have fear and then anger, I think because I was never allowed to express anger toward my dad. It isn't easy, but I know my husband has genuine goodwill toward me, and I can believe that in any situation and whatever he is saying to me. I married a very nice man. Truth is I would havs divorced me any number of times in our first 10 yrs! Counseling helped me.

When I was growing up I looked around and everyone was accepting of my dad and his beligerant, jerk-ness. Then after 46 years of marriage my mom divorced my dad and EVERY SINGLE PERSON, friends and family, expressed the idea that I was probably glad. Why had all these people thought this and no one ever said? I was thrilled! However 3 weeks after the divorce was final she went back. Argh! In her very different way she is as messed up as he is.

Thank you! and we will keep getting better!

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Sometimes, in friendship situations that I feel are not what I want or need, I make a choice: stay in it or leave.
Maybe it's the same with divorce. Your mother may have felt that even if all she wanted from your father never would be,
she went back to him preferring something rather than nothing. I hope she made the right decision.

Lizzy, I'm glad your husband is a very nice man. Be sure to let him know you know that.

 

[Lizzy]

I think your rigbt Walt, my mom was 16 they were married and she missed her life. It was comfortable because she was used to it. I hope my dad treats her a little better since she proved she would divorce him.

I try show my hubby lots of appreciation. No one is percect, but he is perfect for me! We have been married almost 30 years and it gets better all the time! I am very blessed with him.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

You're understanding your parents better and that will help you to forgive.
Your relationship with your husband sounds wonderful.

Be lighter and kinder to yourself. You aren't expecting perfection in tour husband,
so don't expect it in yourself.

Keep up the great work.

 

[aa3405]

aa3405, it is refreshing to have people validate the confusion the mixed messages cause. My mom would tell us dad loved us too, and she would also tell us that he asked her to say he was sorry for this or that, when I was little I believed her.

I have also had to work at not reacting to my husband with the emotions connected to my dad. I used to have fear and then anger, I think because I was never allowed to express anger toward my dad. It isn't easy, but I know my husband has genuine goodwill toward me, and I can believe that in any situation and whatever he is saying to me. I married a very nice man. Truth is I would havs divorced me any number of times in our first 10 yrs! Counseling helped me.

When I was growing up I looked around and everyone was accepting of my dad and his beligerant, jerk-ness. Then after 46 years of marriage my mom divorced my dad and EVERY SINGLE PERSON, friends and family, expressed the idea that I was probably glad. Why had all these people thought this and no one ever said? I was thrilled! However 3 weeks after the divorce was final she went back. Argh! In her very different way she is as messed up as he is.

Thank you! and we will keep getting better!

There are two books that I recently read that might explain your mom's behavior. One is "Codependent no more". It is about people with codependent personalities that put others needs ahead of their own. The other one is "Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix. The last book actually helped me understand how I chose my husband. The author suggests that we end up with someone who in some ways reminds us of our opposite sex parent. Unconsciously, we try to recreate situations that we had as a child with that parent, but now we can try to deal with those similar situations, but from an adult mindset. You mentioned that you were not able to express anger as a child, but you can now in the relationship with your husband. It's a really interesting concept and worth reading. My husband definitely triggers me and I know it comes from childhood wounds, but I realize it and I am trying to work on getting over the fear or anger quicker than if I didn't understand where the feelings were coming from. It's a journey to heal these wounds that are often times unconscious.

 

[Lizzy]

Thanks for book suggestios! We will keep doing this and continue to grow. I am glad we're here. I'm learning things that are changing other things, I can't see the connections, but they're there.