Religion and spirituality are my field, so this post interested me a lot. Over and over again, I've experienced this really important moment in people's lives (including my own) where a moment of meaningful spiritual growth is preceded by a period of deep questioning and even the possibility of abandoning one's faith. Obviously I can't say for sure whether this is one of those crucial moments for you (only you can, and usually only in hindsight), but it's definitely true in my experience that the most precarious moments of our spiritual lives are often the ones that lead to the most profound spiritual growth. So there's potential here for growth and, ultimately, joy.
I think GetBusyLiving is *right on* when she brings up fear. Goodism, in itself, isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's usually *good* to reign in certain impulses when indulging them could harm ourselves or others. It's usually good to want to help people. It's usually good to put ones own needs on the back burner for a time if someone is in greater need. It's usually good to hold our tongues sometimes when we are about to say something hurtful. There's a reason societies and cultures encourage that kind of behavior. It's pro-social, it builds communities of support, it promotes the physical and relational health that are crucial for the thriving of our species.
But it's NOT necessarily good (for our own health or our relationships) when we reign in certain impulses just because we are afraid of punishment (whether eternally or in the here and now). It's not necessarily good when we help people because we're afraid we will be rejected if we say no. It's not necessarily good when we put our own needs on the back burner all the time because we don't value ourselves. It's not necessarily good when we hold our tongues even when we have something important to say because we're afraid of conflict. Fearful or self-devaluing motivations for doing things that look good on paper can ultimately break us down, damage our physical and emotional health, and keep us from having deep, vulnerable, and mutually supportive relationships. (Obviously, this isn't always the case - sometimes fear and guilt are valuable. Both are there for a reason.)
I think both Jesus and Paul demonstrate this nuance a lot. Both are committed Jews. Both participate in religious community and ritual. But, for the most part, they also argue that the laws and precepts of the faith should be followed not for fear of punishment but for love of God and others. And when those laws and precepts stand in the way of love of God and others, they must take a back seat to love. So Jesus observed the Sabbath - whether on the Sabbath day or when he knew his body and heart needed rest - but when someone needed healing on the Sabbath, he did it without fear. When Paul was asked why he was willing to eat meat that had been sacrificed for idols, he pointed out that the fellowship of the table and the opportunity to share the good news with people who hadn't heard it was far more important than ritual purity. In example after example, we see that Jesus and Paul don't usually reject Jewish laws and precepts outright (on the contrary, they follow many of them), but they do often argue that they are only meaningful if they are done in love. Fear or habit are not sufficient motivations for following the law, especially when following the law out of fear or habit gets directly in the way of human community, compassion, and growth.
All that is to say, I don't think it has to be an either-or. I don't think you have to choose TMS or your Catholic faith. If your faith gives you meaning, brings you together with people you care about, shapes your worldview, and offers a community of support that you value, you don't need to throw it out altogether in order to relax your notions of purity or goodness in a way that promotes physical and emotional health. I think it's probably time to reframe your reasons for valuing the ethical and behavioral precepts of your faith and determining thoughtfully which ones actually make it easier for you to love God, yourself, and others, and which ones get in the way. I recommend asking these questions with someone who isn't fearful or narrow in their religious ethics but who also is committed to the tradition you follow (so, in your case, Catholic). Have you heard of
Spiritual Directors International? I recommend looking for someone in your area or who is willing to meet on video and talking this through with them. But if that's not something you're up for, at least start reading some books by Catholic mystics. Whatever you do, don't just give up on it without working for it. If, in the end, you find that your faith really is no longer serving you, then you will have made that decision thoughtfully and carefully, without just pulling the bottom out from under you. But letting go of your religion is by no means an inevitability after this journey. Inviting and exploring nuance is a fantastic way to grow in your faith.
Wherever you end up, I hope you find something authentic and life-giving for you. Deep down, that's what the nuns would want for you, too!
And so TMS symptoms, which are likely a cry for help or attention from the "back of the bus" ensue.
I never thought about Jesus the way you just put it. Thank you, it makes me feel it’s okay to have fun and it’s not all going to be considered a sin.
