Relationship link to pain

Hi

iv struggled with anxiety for years but until I met my current partner 4 years ago, I never had pain. From day 1 I didn't have a good feeling about things, but persevered due to a number of factors and after 4 months she fell pregnant. The pressure of this added to things and I stayed in the relationship. I had periods of no pain due to learning about it and not being too concerned with it being serious, but I kind of fluctuated between pain and anxiety.

We have a 4 year old daughter and I recently ended things because they have never felt right. I'm in more pain now and my anxiety is through the roof, which I know is completely normal. I still care for her and have worries about her meeting someone else, and feelings of jealousy when she goes out etc. Again I know this is normal and i'm not concerned about the pain.

Iv had girlfriends in the past and always fell head over heals for them, before things went wrong (after the honeymoon period). I now know this is my issue and have done a lot of inner critic work to the point where i'm, hopeful that when I get into another relationship, I will be able to deal with the inner doubt and not listen to my critic. My mum and dad didn't have a loving relationship and stayed together for me, so I kow it's all linked.

My question is, do you think my current situation is due to my insecurities and lack of self love, or does it sound like i'm doing the right thing by breaking with my current GF?

I'm having serious doubts, as I thought i'd done the right thing, but now i'm wondering if it's all down to me and my insecurities?

So confused. I cant tell the difference between whether my body/inner being has been warning me to get out, or whether its a self defense mechanism because of how I am.

The only difference between this situation and previous ones, is at least I had a good feeling about the previous relationships from the start, this one I definitely didn't.

 

Hi Ferndale,

I am new to the forum so I expect you will get much better qualified answers than mine but I read your post and didn't want just to ignore it.

I often feel the same way regarding my relationship as you do/did with yours, that maybe it isn't right and on days when my symptoms are bad I find myself blaming them for it all. I find fault in everything they do and convince myself we are completely incompatible and want to get angry with them and scream and shout at them and even want to say nasty things (I don't because it wouldn't be fair and I am not a very confrontational person anyway). I almost feel though as if I want to be angry with them and find fault with them so that I don't have to be angry with myself. It is sort like giving some of my rage a 'reason' that is tangible and that I can see and that doesn't involve me. It doesn't work for me though and just makes me more miserable unfortunately.

I am not sure if this is the answer you are looking for or if it even makes any sense to you. I think only you know if it was the right thing to do. What I do know is that it is really easy to find faults in the ones we love if that serves a purpose. I know I am raging inside about so much stuff. I don't get everything I want from my relationship but choose to stay (who does have a perfect relationship?). Perhaps I am angry with myself for this but I know I love being with them when I can just see past the blame and anger I have towards them at times.

I had a bad case of flu over Christmas and all of my TMS symptoms went away (I think because I felt so bad my mind was consumed by how much my body ached). Unfortunately, today is the first day I have felt almost back to normal but now my TMS symptoms have come back and I have been so angry with my partner. It is as if I have become another person. I hope you get a better answer than mine. I know I have a lot of work to do to find my answers but I just wanted to reply to you rather than read and run as they say.

Take care.

James

 

Hi Ferndale,

I can't help you on your decisions of course, but I suppose that is not what you asked. It seems you know yourself pretty well, and are curious about which aspect of your personality, reacting to life choices, might be causing increased TMS.

Yes, both! I don't think you can decide or take a stance to "get out of this" or exactly identify which of your inner reactions is causing your TMS. I think if it was me, I would step back and take a more global approach: You know you are conflicted. You know you're under confusion, which also can cause pressure, both about your decisions, and about nailing down an exact "cause" for your TMS. You know you are under inner judgement and self-doubt and self-rejection about your decisions, and even about your personality. Essentially your Inner Critic will attack you for either of these things in you: your lack of self-love or breaking up with your girlfriend. You know there is inner tension. Period.

If you can look at the whole constellation, you have inner tension. Which is the cause of TMS. So you know, without getting any more specific the true cause of your symptoms. They are there to distract you from the inner hells, of which your conscious mind (as much as it suffers) is only aware of the more surface hells. This is enough. It is enough to know that there is nothing wrong with you, and then assign your symptoms to a believable inner tension cause. One moment it might be one side of your question, the next day the other. And combined. Repeat your practice of "thinking psychological" every time the fear of symptoms or symptoms arise. This is the way. Good luck.

Part of this is knowing that no matter how hard you try: changing your inner outlook, making the very best decisions, loving your child ---all of it is tender, difficult, and you are a vulnerable human being. Knowing this, in your heart brings self-compassion.

Andy B

 

Ferndale,

You wrote that you didn't have good feelings about it "day one." No matter what the other issues or your own insecurities are in relationships, I would go back to day one and remember that you had a deep intuition already.
It's not something anyone else can answer for you, but sometimes going back to the original "knowing" can give you a base to return to during the rest of the confusion of a break up and help you remember that you always knew from the beginning.

Hope this helps, somewhat. I write it without any judgement of you. We are complicated beings and I've tread a similar path in the past.

best wishes.

 

Thanks for the replies everyone, really helpful x

 

Steve O says anger and anxiety are the same thing. Anxiety is unexpressed anger.