Day 25 Relapsing a little but am sort of grateful

I am feeling quite tearful this morning. I have come to a bit of a realisation. I am still cosleeping with my 13 mo and I have realised that it has to stop. I am getting up regularly in the night now, not always due to the pain, but more for a desperate need to get away. I am waking up earlier and earlier despite minimal sleep, just to get some space to myself. I am sandwiched between my baby and my husband and I just can't get a restful sleep. The guilt surrounding this realisation made the pain awful. But it just goes to confirm my diagnosis further. I do feel that I am feeling my emotions though, but the pain still gets worse. I feel my anger at being woken, or being pulled back to the bed that I am trying to escape. I feel the guilt that I want to move him out on to his own. But still the pain persists.

The other day I had a couple of major meetings which really set off my back and I had an awful night, up almost hourly. I am just returning from maternity leave, and haven't returned to my job, but am instead setting myself up as self-employed. I found I had lost my confidence a bit in this meetings, I guess a year out of the work mode would do that to you. It freaked me out though. I journalled on it and realised that I am undergoing two massive areas of stress that I hadn't recognised. Either of which alone would be big, but together they multiply the stress further. Firstly I am returning to work after over a year off and my life being changed completely, becoming a parent for the first time and the guilt of leaving him etc. Also beginning to use my nursery rhyme fuddled brain again! And then secondly, starting off as a self employed consultant where the pressure is on me to earn money and bring work in, but also to produce excellent work as I can't hide anywhere. They are paying me directly and expect me to be good. After a year of nursery rhymes and nappies I do wonder at my brains ability! Realising all of this though has helped massively so I guess it is a matter of time before things start to improve. I am actually grateful of the flare up it all caused, because it really confirmed the diagnosis for me. I think there was still a small part of my brain doubting it and so it helped in that sense.

I am also still failing to address the memories of sexual abuse I uncovered recently. I have journalled on it, written a letter, and talked on here about it, but not said it out loud which I struggle with.Part of it is that it is minor in nature really, and so I am fearful that someone may tell me I am making a big deal out of nothing. The opposite is that I am fearful of saying it out loud as it was wrong and a reasonable deal, and saying it out loud would confirm it. When I journalled on it I actually uncovered some fears I didn't know I had. What does it say about my brother, who was a teenager- 14, and I was around 8/9 years old. The things he did were planned in a sense, and happened more than once. So does that indicate tendencies that I don't even want to think about? I still want my brother in my life, which is why I am scared to tell my husband. Although, when I think about what it all says about him then I do wonder. This is why I am scared to tell anyone, their reaction may make me think differently about him and that changes everything. We aren't particularly close, and this may be why. But he is my only sibling, and will one day be my only blood family left, apart from my child of course. I know I need to tell someone, and that if it is a big deal to me then it is a big deal, but I don't think I have really come to terms with it all. As I started to write about this I decided in my mind to tell my husband today, but then as I write about my fears I have changed my mind again. It is so hard. I want to be free of pain, but I am scared about what I will have to face to do so.

Sorry for the long post, I find posting a relief and a vent. Thank you for anyone reading this far.

 

Hi. You are under a lot of stress... starting a business, dealing with your motherhood, wondering about revealing your sexual abuse from your brother years ago. I am no authority on motherhood or sexual abuse, but as a freelance writer I know what starting a business is like. I think that's enough for you to focus on for now.
It will help take your mind off the other issues. And be patient about those other two. You need to enjoy being a mother, and you've lived with the other issue for years, so maybe try to live with it a little longer. Also, what good would it do you or your husband, or brother for that matter, if you came out with the past? It might just alienate your husband from your brother. Your brother was young at the time, and he was a teenager probably with roaring hormones. Maybe forgive him in your heart. It could lighten your emotional load a lot.

Whatever your self-employed business is, it would help you if you learned as much about it as you can... maybe talking to someone who does it, and also finding videos on YouTube about it or being self-employed in general. I love the freedom of being self-employed, and no longer being part of a corporation.

You're going to feel better. Think of the positive... you have a baby and a husband. Cherish both.