Relapse ? And no patience.

[Sacha O.]

Yesterday, I drew quite a lot. My editor requested two drawing for a kickstarter. It’s been a while since I haven’t drew for « money » so I was trying to not become too tense. Also, he told me not to injure myself… It pissed me off a bit. I didn’t want to be reminded that I could get hurt. I took a break during the day and went for a bike ride, my first one of the year. It went well. Then after finishing my work, my right elbow was hurting. I tried not to focus on it, but it was hard This morning, it’s not hurting anymore, but my neck and shoulders are… It’s been almost two months since I haven’t got pain in those area. What is going on ? Is it because I was scared to hurt myself ?

Tonight I have a launch for a book I have been working on. It’s a project I made with two friend. One month ago, I decided to stop working with them (they want to make more books) because they were stressing me and we didn’t get along while working together. This project was a huge stressor. I’m happy it’s over, and I don’t have to think about it anymore. But I don’t know if the fact of receiving the books, and seeing them tonight, is stressing me enough to have some of my syndromes back. One of them can be quite aggressive when insecure. She told me repetitive times I was too sensitive (while being the one crying during our meetings?). Plus when I wasn’t agreing with her, she would say some things to ridiculize me (like, for exemple, I wasn’t sure I wanted us to be payed for this project : she would call me Jesus, a saint, etc…). I’m so glad I’m not working on this anymore. I also have my bads in all of this, but I was tired to always ask myself what I've done or said wrong.

This week I was reflecting on the fact that I have no patience. Like for my garden. I’m always going to look if my plants have grown, trying to see if the seed have sprout… Sometime, I even dig them to see if they have ! I feel the same about my recovery. When I’m fine, everything is well. But if I have more pain, or a new pain, it’s like I’m going crazy. I ask myself why I haven’t recover completely yet. I have been reflecting a lot on myself since May 5 (the day I started the TMS way) and I don,t know what I've been missing. I’m expecting a magic recovery, but magic doesn’t exist. I’m still me. I still have to work on myself.

Thank you for reading and don’t hesitate if you have any recommendation.

Take care <3

 

[Ellen]

Hi Sacha,

Sorry to hear that you are feeling frustrated. This TMS recovery road that we are all on can be a long and frustrating one. But your post shows good insight and awareness into what is feeding your TMS, and this will serve you well.

It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to heal NOW. This pressure fuels your TMS. It is a very fine line we have to walk in this treatment approach between "doing the work" and not "trying too hard" (practicing outcome independence).

I think Steve O covered this well is a previous post:

http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/tms-healing-mistakes-made.2730/#post-15786 (TMS Healing Mistakes Made)

If you don't find useful advice in that post, keep asking questions, and hopefully we can help you on your journey. We are all in this together.

Be well..........

 

[Sacha O.]

Thank you Ellen, I've read Steve O's post a few times this week, as well as your own Story (which is very inspiring). It helped me a lot ! I know I'm pressuring myself a lot, but it seems that knowing it is not enough. I will try to be kinder to myself. Today my arms were hurting, and I don't know why, I started to kiss them ?? Like they were hurt and needed consolation ? Somehow, it helped !