Relapse - advise

Hello all !

I think this question has been asked before so sorry in advance ! But I dont wanna read to much about it, internet can be dangerous for me sometimes as I start reading compulsively, including bad experience.

Here is what happened :
I had a one year long constant pain, and a herniated disk diagnosed. I start the program the end of november, journaling a little but especially reading. I was absolutely convinced of the diagnostic.
I started dancing again (I'm work as a part time job bellydancer and couldnt dance for months)... after a month I was 95% pain free. I was doing heavy stuff with by back, dancing a lot and going fine.

Last tuesday, one week ago, I had a very big arguing. I havent seen me in that rage... like never... and by noon, the pain started again and got worst little by little. I though as I knew the process it would be fine but the pain is not going away. Actually I realize that that kind of feeling of rage was the same as one arguing that happened when the pain started one year ago.. I did journaling, did the "mantras", read. Still here.

Is it normal to have such a relapse ? Why is it happening as I know whats going on and what should I do ?
I'm SURE this is TMS, the day before I did 5 hours driving without stopping and I was fine.. it happened "by magic" right after this arguing... but I did express my rage it right ?
I thought my problem was to be nice to everybody, and this was one of the first time where I tried to "defend myself and raise my voice" and here is the result..

Thank you very much for you help <3
Love from New Caledonia

 

I'm sorry I dont know if its clear... but the "recovery" lasts +/- one month then

 

Yes relapse is normal and to be expect on the road to recovery, it's all part of the learning process.

From your post I get the impression that you're putting too much pressure on yourself to heal, don't beat yourself up for having a relapse. Don't beat yourself about beating yourself up either , see how crafty the TMS brain can be! This is a very common trap to fall in to, try to treat yourself with compassion.

Use this incident to reaffirm your belief in the TMS process. It will soon calm down again, the trick is not to let it scare you.

Bless you

 

Agree with @Mermaid above. I experience a relapse once or twice a year. It leaves quickly if I don't make a big deal about it.

Even though you expressed your rage, you may find that you are internally conflicted about it. Perhaps you believe that you "shouldn't" get angry, and that showing anger is "dangerous". This could be related to deep lessons learned in childhood. I suggest exploring these issues in your journaling. How do you feel deep down about expressing anger, and why do you feel that way?

 

Thank you very very much for your answers It feels good to read you and to know that its normal...
I'm indeed very good at putting pressure on myself
Working on it is a longlife journey !

Ellen you'r suggestion about internal conflit regarding rage is absolutely right on... I recently tried to start expressing it, because I realised I was keeping everything for myself to please people. But deep down I know that I still have lot of difficulties in raising for myself.
In a way, for me anger is not allowed to be expressed for 2 reasons : because I want to look like a "yogi", I want to be calm and I "despise" people who let themselves use violence. And second because I want to please everybody and I want to be loved.
I just cant confront people, it terrifies me. I used to preferred to shut up and to feel humiliated rather than to stand up. It's a thing from childhood... I didnt dare to talk because I was feeling rejected and I didnt want to make things worse.
I think all these is still strong in my subconscious. My awareness is very recent...

Wow, I had journaled about it but it was very interesting to sum it up that way.
Thank you !!

 

Hi, I am not recovered yey, I had ups and downs, I realised recently that almost everytime I got worse it was when I got angry at something, some person generally. After that, I would start to focus at my symptoms again, obssesing about them. Something similar happened to me today (I just posted it). I got a lot better these days, but today I had an anger outburst and I need my symptoms so bad right now because I am still a little bit angry about this situation. When I get better I get more happier and more confident, that happens only when I am able to not focus on the symptoms I made in my head (not the actual pain).

 

So maybe you could think about an internal conflict about expressing your anger too, like Ellen said ?
I read your story and it was the same for me. Keep journaling and thinking about what could cause this conflit in your personal history.
When did it happen before when you were young, why ? How did you use to feel ? Go back to the roots of this issue and write a lot about it, you need to express not only this present rage but also the ones from the past.
Keep strong

 

I see your point, however I am done with journaling and expressing because I had no improvements with it. For a year and a half I only did that. Read books about TMS, journaling, trying to express, meditation and mindfulness. I was trapped, for me all that is bad (but not for other people) because I only got worse, it added more tension. I am completely identified with TMS personality and my pain started right when I had some of the the most stressful events of my life and I put a lot of pressure on myself at that time. But now I think my pain got so chronic and bad because I got a lot of wrong diagnosis and I could not train sports anymore. I obssesed so much about these symptoms, they became the primary focus of my life, I only started to have fast and nice improvements first time I read Dr. Sarno book (2 years ago, for about a week, then I began obssesing about the symptoms again) and this week. I am like 40% better in just 3 days (it is crazy, 4 days ago I could barely sit, walk or do something, now I have enough energy to walk for more than an hour), as I became more aware that I don't have to fear and focus on the symptoms in order to improve. Whenever I manage to not focus on the symptoms the tension and the pain lessens pretty fast. I understand the process of TMS, it only takes some courage and patience to let go the symptoms and take responsability for my life.

 

Just to let everyone know that 2 weeks after the relapse I feel much better. Just remains a slight pain which decrease everyday. Actually the second I read you, saying that it was normal, it started to decrease. Thank you for your support <3

 

Glad to hear you're doing better, relapses can seem worse than the first go around, I found that once you convince yourself that it's TMS and you truly believe it, you will start living your life and the pain disapears. Fight through and don't be hard on yourself, just remember that you are safe and can't cause any more damage, only improvements