Titus Groan
Peer Supporter
My recovery is moving quite quickly considering my previous limitations and its taken a few people by surprise. (Eg. I'm getting gawped at for picking up a knife and cutting something up).
Some, like my band, just embrace it and are delighted. Others I can't really tell and I can't help but be paranoid. I know it's irrational, but I've always had this insecurity over the years that most people don't believe me or think I'm "faking it" - an assumption I make purely based on putting myself in thier shoes. "This guy who does nothing, doesn't work, claims he's in pain all the time and has no diagnosis - is he really ill?"
So now I've leapt from being almost totally hand-disabled, to using a computer all day and (as of yesterday) playing large chunks of guitar, I feel like some people must think I'm either mad or have played some elaborate long term prank.
It particularly affected me this evening when someone asked how I was getting on with the whole tms thing and I said "great!" and then listed what I'd been doing and they were the first person not to say "that's good" - or something. They just smiled uncertainly and said "... Oh, OK..." then changed the subject.
I also feel this unspoken (and possibly nonexistent) pressure to now get out there and leap into all activity (drive, work etc.) - but I don't feel ready for that. Its been 3 weeks (I think?). I want consistency - assurance. I've got psychological hurdles to get over. There's a million "what ifs" and fears running through my head. I feel like that after all these years I can't just enjoy being well - I need to use my wellness to pull my weight in the world.
Granted, this will come. But right now I just feel a little lost - disorganised - in shock from my wellness. "Oh - I can do things? What things should I do? Am I lazy if I don't run out and grab a job right away? Am I allowed to be leisurely? How do I organise my time?"
All these years I've been trying to process that it's "OK" for me not to do things when I'm not well enough - now that's just flipped and I'm suddenly able, I feel like I should be doing everything.
Sorry - a bit of a rant. Does anyone relate?
Some, like my band, just embrace it and are delighted. Others I can't really tell and I can't help but be paranoid. I know it's irrational, but I've always had this insecurity over the years that most people don't believe me or think I'm "faking it" - an assumption I make purely based on putting myself in thier shoes. "This guy who does nothing, doesn't work, claims he's in pain all the time and has no diagnosis - is he really ill?"
So now I've leapt from being almost totally hand-disabled, to using a computer all day and (as of yesterday) playing large chunks of guitar, I feel like some people must think I'm either mad or have played some elaborate long term prank.
It particularly affected me this evening when someone asked how I was getting on with the whole tms thing and I said "great!" and then listed what I'd been doing and they were the first person not to say "that's good" - or something. They just smiled uncertainly and said "... Oh, OK..." then changed the subject.
I also feel this unspoken (and possibly nonexistent) pressure to now get out there and leap into all activity (drive, work etc.) - but I don't feel ready for that. Its been 3 weeks (I think?). I want consistency - assurance. I've got psychological hurdles to get over. There's a million "what ifs" and fears running through my head. I feel like that after all these years I can't just enjoy being well - I need to use my wellness to pull my weight in the world.
Granted, this will come. But right now I just feel a little lost - disorganised - in shock from my wellness. "Oh - I can do things? What things should I do? Am I lazy if I don't run out and grab a job right away? Am I allowed to be leisurely? How do I organise my time?"
All these years I've been trying to process that it's "OK" for me not to do things when I'm not well enough - now that's just flipped and I'm suddenly able, I feel like I should be doing everything.
Sorry - a bit of a rant. Does anyone relate?
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