Recovery and Insecurity

My recovery is moving quite quickly considering my previous limitations and its taken a few people by surprise. (Eg. I'm getting gawped at for picking up a knife and cutting something up).

Some, like my band, just embrace it and are delighted. Others I can't really tell and I can't help but be paranoid. I know it's irrational, but I've always had this insecurity over the years that most people don't believe me or think I'm "faking it" - an assumption I make purely based on putting myself in thier shoes. "This guy who does nothing, doesn't work, claims he's in pain all the time and has no diagnosis - is he really ill?"

So now I've leapt from being almost totally hand-disabled, to using a computer all day and (as of yesterday) playing large chunks of guitar, I feel like some people must think I'm either mad or have played some elaborate long term prank.

It particularly affected me this evening when someone asked how I was getting on with the whole tms thing and I said "great!" and then listed what I'd been doing and they were the first person not to say "that's good" - or something. They just smiled uncertainly and said "... Oh, OK..." then changed the subject.

I also feel this unspoken (and possibly nonexistent) pressure to now get out there and leap into all activity (drive, work etc.) - but I don't feel ready for that. Its been 3 weeks (I think?). I want consistency - assurance. I've got psychological hurdles to get over. There's a million "what ifs" and fears running through my head. I feel like that after all these years I can't just enjoy being well - I need to use my wellness to pull my weight in the world.

Granted, this will come. But right now I just feel a little lost - disorganised - in shock from my wellness. "Oh - I can do things? What things should I do? Am I lazy if I don't run out and grab a job right away? Am I allowed to be leisurely? How do I organise my time?"

All these years I've been trying to process that it's "OK" for me not to do things when I'm not well enough - now that's just flipped and I'm suddenly able, I feel like I should be doing everything.

Sorry - a bit of a rant. Does anyone relate?

 

Yes, I see what you mean. At the end of the day, it's about you and your recovery. The people around you don't have to live with the pain, nor the fear. THe only way I've found to not be disturbed by someone's (potentially) negative opinion about me, is to also filter out the 'good', the compliments. If I rely on their good words and attitudes to feel good, I feel glad one day, then unhappy the next when I hear something negative. My mood (and pain!) will go up and down like a see-saw.