Day 9 Recognizing what needs to happen

[jewbetcha]

One of the core parts of this program that has resonated with me the most has been the need to recognize feelings and emotions that have been hidden and repressed. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and working through what I think those emotions might be.

A large part of what I have been dealing with for the past year has been feelings of guilt and shame about my past self, a lot of which I have kept internally (aside from my therapist). Yesterday I decided to share some of these feelings with my partner, since she is such an important part of my life and she deserves to know. It was a long, emotional talk, but the release of emotions and getting things off my chest felt good.

I'm hopeful that this will be a big step in the right direction for my healing and the loved ones around me.

 

[jewbetcha]

Ironically, day 10 is about sharing feelings with someone close to you! Looks like I was on track

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Yesterday I decided to share some of these feelings with my partner, since she is such an important part of my life and she deserves to know. It was a long, emotional talk, but the release of emotions and getting things off my chest felt good.

I am so happy for you to do this sharing. I think it takes courage, and trust ---and it also builds courage and trust! I imagine this, importantly, brings you closer to yourself. Often there is a parallel between how we hold ourselves from ourself, and how we hold others away from our truth. I hope you might notice a greater intimacy, trust in yourself. This is a deep level of "healing" for TMS because our inner life becomes more and more safe in time. Less repression is needed.

 

[jewbetcha]

I think it takes courage, and trust ---and it also builds courage and trust

Yes, absolutely! I have felt a great amount of relief from that, and my partner and I have come out of it much stronger (after some tough talks). My symptoms haven't changed much, but I'm still confident this was a good step in the right direction.

 

[Miller]

Hey @AndyBayliss, how do you think it's possible to achieve that state? Where our inner life becomes more and more safe? I have only found the opposite when I look at "the past" and the associated emotions.

I have the same situation as @jewbetcha where I am holding a lot of guilt and shame about my past self... I also shared it all with my husband and even my mum and sisters... none of them seem to think it was a big deal but I have this pervasive sense of being "bad" and I don't like to think about the past at all and I worry I might still be capable of some of these behaviours... maybe my TMS is protecting me from doing that? The thought crosses my mind from time to time.

i wonder how I can move through all of this elegantly rather than get stuck in repetitive destructive thought patterns about mysef?

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Miller,
I appreciate your question, and your desire to have this sense of safety and find resolution with the past.

none of them seem to think it was a big deal but I have this pervasive sense of being "bad" and I don't like to think about the past at all

This points to shame as read this, and we all have variations of this. Regret, shame, self-doubt, self-hate. Part of the important work here is sharing what you're ashamed of with safe listeners, as you've done. And now you're getting feedback from others that it is "no big deal." That is good for you to hear. Let that in. It might be powerful to let yourself tell yourself this every day: "You're family forgives you about what you've done." --or whatever really fits for you, feels right. Part of you wants to understand and love you.

I recommend the book Soul Without Shame by Byron Brown for working with this kind of deep sense of "being bad." One of the pieces you'll see in that book is that this inner hate and rejection is normal. It is part of the human experience, although many people are not as aware as you or me. There is a deep need to reject ourselves.

This book teaches you ways to defend yourself from the inner voices of rejection, which can often have the feeling of fear like you express here:

I worry I might still be capable of some of these behaviours...

I hope these ideas get you started. For me it is a long journey of accepting my human condition and defending my right to my feelings, mistakes, urges, needs, etc. The Superego will always make us wrong. It is a tremendous relief to know this message is not true.