Really struggling

K

karenz

New Member
hi there,

I am really struggling. I am the mother of 2 and have had "sciatica" for six months and think it may be TMS, but have tried to challenge the pain and it's so much worse now.

I injured my pelvis (pubic symphysis) after having my second child and worked through pelvic rehab to get better. I felt great for three months and then picked up my baby and felt something go in my back. I was told it was my illiolumbar ligament. The bilateral sciatica started soon after and has mainly gotten worse, not better, with each attempt to recover.

An MRI that showed a small herniation at L5-S1 and some facet arthritis and the surgeon said he couldn't see any nerve compression and didn't know why I was having sciatica. The MRI also showed some SI joint inflammation. A physiastrist found I have hyper reflexes in arms and legs/hands and wants to do a cervical/brain MRI. PTs and chiros have given different explanations like it's my SI joints, loss of curve in my back, uneven hips, core strength etc. Some have said it's the femoral nerve or other nerves in addition to the sciatica since it is occurring in the back of the legs and front. I did have pain over the disc and lots of low back pain after the initial injury for a few months. Now I mainly have sciatica.

I've been challenging my pain this week by sitting and bending and my pain is getting worse. And apparently my reflexes. It doesn't hurt terribly when I'm bending or sitting but when I lay down my whole legs ache terribly and it feels like the nerve is throbbing. This is what happened a few months ago when I tried to bend and sit. The pain was initially not so bad for a day but then was so much worse after with horrible boa constrictor like pain in the legs. I feel the nerves in the knees and ankles and thighs.

I would really like to see a TMS doctor in person. I was told by a person I called that dr Howard schubiner is no longer seeing patients? Any suggestions?

I've reached out to some very supportive people who've beat this thing but my brain and the pain are winning the game and buying into the fear.

I want to get off this roller coaster but I think I need help.

Karen
 
"think it may be TMS"

That is the fear portion messing with you. Remember, TMS is most effective when we don't think it's TMS because it occupies our attention.
I notice that most of your post is dedicated to the symptoms. Being a Mother must create all sorts of repressed anger that doesn't surface. Where's Dad? Economics? Family issues?

My TMS blew up for it's last time right after the birth of my second son (when I became sole bread winner.....hint,hint). After 18 months or so of unabated symptoms I finally snapped, bought the book (HBP) and read it cover to cover....seeing myself on every page I immediately followed every suggestion and had a rapid and thorough recovery. I too had lingering mental fear of 'what if it's NOT Tms?' so I called the office of the only TMS doctor on the west coast. He was on vacation. By the time he got back, I was already recovered and didn't need to see a doctor. Coming up on 20 years of recovered and still never been 'diagnosed' but perhaps it is necessary in some cases.

Being a parent is the diametric opposite of our current "check me out/it's all about me" culture. Regardless of ethics or morals, we can't un-culture ourselves and the amount of anger it produces is substantial. Grab a pen or hit a typewriter...what's going on inside of you? That is where the answer will be found, even if the Dr. allays your fears....might as well get started now

You are on the right path...keep going.

peace
 
Thanks for sharing here Karen. I love you and appreciate your vulnerability.

I have had some tremendous liberation applying what I've learned from Sarno and in this forum to all kinds of TMS pain. And back/butt/leg pain is the one that I am still healing from. Some days are great, some days not great. Some days I challenge the pain and feel victorious. Some days I am scared of the pain and retreat.

One thing I notice in your post is that your mind is very steeped in the medical terminology. This diagnosis or that diagnosis. This problem or that problem.

A powerful shift occurs when you say - it's ALL TMS. All of it. All these fancy Latin names and anatomy references are people who don't know trying to come up with a sense of certainty. They are just people like you and me. Don't let the lab coat and diplomas fool you. They don't know. And they're treatments don't work.

So, when challenging the pain, it is most effective when it comes from a place of "I know there's nothing wrong with me."

I would focus on "closing the certainty gap" so that you feel more and more certain that the pain is TMS (which it is, btw : )

I find this forum to be really helpful for that. Read success stories. Read other people who have similar pain to you and their process. And, as Baseball suggests, journal! Dig in there!

Write. Write. Write. Feel. Feel. Feel. Heal. Heal. Heal.

One other thing that helps me when the pain is intense is to say this again and again in my mind:

I am a warrior. Bring it on.
I am a warrior. Bring it on.

I then notice myself walking taller, having more resources to face the pain and find my courage.

Sending you love and courage. You will make it to the other side.
 
Thank you both so much for your kind words and encouragement and wisdom! This is so foreign to me and so the help and responses are so helpful and empowering! I decided yesterday to not do anymore physical tests and told myself repeatedly that there is nothing wrong with me.

I noticed I was getting hip pain and started to think physically about it, trying to figure out why I was having it. I even googled hip pain. And then I realized the pain was moving and I tried to think psychological. And today, no hip pain. And less leg pain. I can feel my central nervous system relaxing. This is so empowering and I think like you, @Baseball65 , I may not even need a doctor to verify as the process is already working and there have been no structural changes to cause this change.

@Aziz thank you for your mantra and your reminder to write. I wrote again today and am seeing the benefit! And I love your idea of I am a warrior!

I so appreciate the outreach and community. It's so strange to get to personal and vulnerable on the internet but it has been so reassuring to me and I'm very thankful!
 
So many of us here have gone through the medical merry go round, karenz. Do everything you can to reassure yourself it is TMS as others are suggesting. If you really want a medical opinion from a tms physician then it can be worth your money. The TMS Wiki has a whole list of physicians all over the US. In the meantime keep engaging this work with all your heart and patience. Observe how your desire for relief also pressures yourself, and simply see how things in your life work, according to TMS theory. The more you connect the dots, and the more patience you have, the more smoothly this will go for you --as you're finding. I am glad you are feeling support here.

Andy B
 
Thank you, @Andy B! As my pain responds and dies down or does nonsensical things, I'm becoming more confident without needing so much outside validation.

Thank you for reminding me to have patience. I have a tendency to go a bit overboard on things and push and try too hard. So just relaxing and not obsessing about this is an important reminder.
 
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