RAGE - There you are! So are we best friends or...?

J

jamejamesjames1

Peer Supporter
I've been doing some journaling for a few weeks now (unlearn your pain book!) with not a whole lot of noticeable results until a couple of days ago.

Typically I am very anxious but last night after forcing myself to go for a run despite symptoms (dizziness, fatigue) I began to feel very depressed for a few hours. This is not common for me, I rarely ever feel depressed. An interesting thing I noted is that while I felt like this almost all of the physical symptoms went away. As I began to feel "less depressed" over the course of the evening the symptoms came back.

I woke up in the middle of the night full of undirected rage and anger at everyone / anyone. This too is not common for me so I found it interesting. Lot's of TMS posts and books talk about repressed emotions. Could this finally be emotions coming to the surface? It's not specific - I can't tell why I'm feeling the way I am / what specific thing caused it. Oh well.

What I do wonder is now that I'm "feeling my feelings" - what do I do about it? I've just been going through the day super upset. Do I just.... encourage that in the name of "feeling my feelings"? Or once I felt and accepted it a bit do something to calm my system back down?

This whole process can be confusing and sometimes seems like contradictory ways of healing. Feels like I'm in a labyrinthine maze and the more I try to understand it the more frustrated I get. Maybe TMS healing is getting in the way of my TMS healing!!!
 
This is really fascinating, @jamejamesjames1! I wish I had time right now to explore it, but I'm sure others will respond and I'll be able to come back later.

I do indeed think that your unconscious/repressed emotions are starting to bubble up. Some kind of self soothing would be helpful, self-talk aimed at calming fear of this happening...

On my profile page I mention experiencing first time depression, and in my list of favorite bookmarks which follows my story, there's one about depression trying to take me down, which you might find interesting.
 
I am having the same thing @jamejamesjames1

In the middle of the night, while I am having breakfast, anything... it's not all day long though. Since this rage is coming up, I am gradually feeling less tense. A couple of months ago I would have told you "I never get angry, I am not an angry person, etc"

Sometimes I am feeling the feelings right away while journaling, sometimes it takes 15 mins, sometimes it bubbles up later on the day... When I feel it coming up, I am just sitting with the feeling. It eventually subsides and usually I feel some relief then.
 
After my symptoms went away I was just like that. I almost started a fight at work with some lippy guy... My friends had to physically restrain me from attacking him. Not wanting to go to jail or lose my job, I went and got help from a Psychologist. I explained to him what I had just been through and the whole TMS deal... he was very interested professionally. He said I was the easiest patient he ever had because I was so desperate for help.

The anger was just sitting there on top with nowhere to go...so...

- Batting cages. Lifting weights. G-narly activities ... went to a firing range and unloaded a couple hundred rounds into furniture I found in an alley . Screamed a lot.... spent a lot of time alone lest someone get caught in my anger.(self-quarantining LOL)

Also, being pain free I worked myself to fatigue as often as I could... rode my bike a lot...

..and continued to read Sarno and de-condition myself. Prayed constantly and used the 4th step from the 12 step program to get all of that anger out on paper so I could see it for myself...WOW... lots of crap backed up in that guy!

I still use varying degrees of this type of therapy if I have a new thing try to sneak in. My leg started tickling me this week after a baseball workout with a coach/guy who is constantly criticizing me... I am aware of not caring for this guy but I also have been reviewing money, my relationship with my GF, my position at work and my responsibilities to family....all on paper. Lot of crap there.... the guy I dislike was just the last straw. It's always brewing down there, each of us has to learn about ourselves to figure out how we 'work' with the least amount of collateral damage to those around us.

What your going through is totally normal and a part of your recovery. It's simple, but not necessarily easy. We are here for ya'.

peace
 
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