Rage + Anxiety + Fear of Abandonment

[JanAtheCPA]

i struggle with accepting the abuse helps us later,

I agree this type of thing is bs/sales pitch.

I want to make sure you both understand that accepting in this context does not mean forgiveness, or accepting that "it is what it is, you just have to live with it".

There's nothing acceptable about what happened to you. The behavior of the person inflicting abuse is never okay, and it does not ever have to be forgiven because it is in fact unforgivable.

The victim might choose to forgive the individual based upon that person's mental illness or that they themselves didn't know any better because they themselves were subject to parental abuse - and that's fine. But it's also fine to never forgive the abuser.

Acceptance in this context is closely aligned with acknowledgment. It is accepting that this happened AND that it is safe to acknowledge that it happened.

The whole focus is on how the child's survival brain dealt with the ABUSE (by repressing it) and how that leads to disabling suffering in adulthood.

Acknowledging and accepting the reality of the abuse and realizing that it can no longer hurt you, is what this work is all about.

 

[Ybird]

My problem is with the sales pitch, handed out by the therapy industry, that once you "heal" you will have quasi superpowers or be somewhat 'ahead' of other people in some way. I've seen a few people who believed this about themselves and were disappointed. They say this about all kinds of issues , not only abuse.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

handed out by the therapy industry, that once you "heal" you will have quasi superpowers...

Huh? Not by legitimate licensed psychotherapists, surely? In the US, at least in the states I'm familiar with, unlicensed individuals can't legally call themselves therapists.

This sounds like influencers holding themselves out as life coaches on social media, and I would not even lump most legitimate coaches in with that crowd. Long before the internet we've also had televangelists promising that Jesus will make you rich if you pray hard and send them all your money, and while no one with common sense would confuse them with legitimate theologians, those guys have always made piles of money from the many gullible people who simply can not be saved from themselves.

I don't waste my time or psychic energy on the charlatans (or the folks who are taken in by them) unless they threaten our forum. We can only do so much.

Am I being too harsh?

 

[Ybird]

I don't remember where I heard this idea, it has been around for a long time , probably it was from a self-help book. I think I heard it from a (legitimate) therapist or two ; I never consulted life coaches. It definitely was widespread, before influencers.
Obviously not literal superpowers, in case I need to clarify

 

[Diana-M]

My problem is with the sales pitch, handed out by the therapy industry, that once you "heal" you will have quasi superpowers or be somewhat 'ahead' of other peopl

I never got that sales pitch. I was always sort of told I’m screwed. Too bad for you, you’ll never really recover from this. But I, myself, believe that I can. I am a person who likes to think there’s always hope. And no— I don’t think I’ll ever have “super powers.” But I do hope to get good at banishing TMS.

 

[feduccini]

1. His description of resolving a personal rage-inducing incident by "choosing vulnerability over victimhood"

Hey Jan, would you explain me this, please? Is it something like "I was defenseless when this thing happened, but it doesn't mean the universe is against me"?

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Is it something like "I was defenseless when this thing happened, but it doesn't mean the universe is against me"?

Victimhood can be described as any life outlook or mindset in which an individual assumes the worst of the universe, indeed. They believe that nothing can change for them, that they are doomed to suffer, that other people or life in general, are against them or don't support them, that they can't thrive unless everything is perfect. Victimhood of course can look different in different people, but the general theme is the same.

To me, victimhood is exemplified in someone who seeks help here, receives all of the best advice, and keeps coming back with negativity, usually wrapped up in what I call a "Yes, But..." statement.

I've talked about victimhood and how it is a complete block to recovery, for years. It's heartbreaking when I see it, and also infuriating!

I've also talked about the need to achieve vulnerability instead of victimhood. Vulnerability is the state of mind that is required to get in touch with the deeply repressed negative emotions and primitive fears we developed in childhood. e
Even those of us with functional childhoods have these, it's part of how the child is designed to survive. We were designed to keep our negative emotions hidden during our entire 30-year-maximum lifespan, with no harm done since all we had to do back then was to breed and keep the species going. But as we learn from doing this work, a lot of harm is incurred from all of the repression in today's world and over long lifespans, and we have to break the repression cycle to survive emotionally anymore. And this requires emotional vulnerability. Instead of victimhood.

Dr Mate described an incident where his wife was not at the airport to pick him up because she forgot. He was so enraged at having to take a taxi, that he refused to speak to her when he got home, which lasted 24 hours until she basically slapped him upside the head and told him to get over it. This is the point at which he says he stopped being a victim, and reflected on his childhood rage, which he describes in great detail, connected to a period of enforced abandonment when he was an infant and had to be sent to distant family as the Nazis were invading his home city in Hungary. His rage at his wife was, at its heart, about abandonment.

Because, as he explains in every single chapter so far that I've read, it always goes back to childhood. It always goes back to childhood

 

[Ybird]

I never got that sales pitch. I was always sort of told I’m screwed. Too bad for you, you’ll never really recover from this.

I always heard that in person too, very undermining.

Diana... did you used to post on Adult Children of Narcissists on Yahoo, around 2012 or so?

 

[Diana-M]

I always heard that in person too, very undermining.

Diana... did you used to post on Adult Children of Narcissists on Yahoo, around 2012 or so?

Nope. Not me.

 

[richard_lt]

I love Dr Mate. He writes of complex topics in a way thats easy to relate/understand. His personal stories are so engaging, makes it easy to connect with him. the story of his mom escaping the Nazis while pregnant with him is made me so sad. I felt I could see feel as the baby in the womb, so weird.

 

[Ybird]

That's so odd, there was a Diana there who was so much like you, similar family etc... thanks for letting me know.

 

[feduccini]

I've talked about victimhood and how it is a complete block to recovery, for years. It's heartbreaking when I see it, and also infuriating!

Wow, thank you so much for the answer, Jan! When I asked you I knew I was up for a masterclass

It got me thinking about my couple of months of terror, before knowing about Sarno, and how my catastrophizing was some kind of victimhood oriented to the future. Now I gotta do the vulnerability work. I'll probably have to get a good talk with my inner parent first, before he tries to shut it all down in shame.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Now I gotta do the vulnerability work. I'll probably have to get a good talk with my inner parent first, before he tries to shut it all down in shame.

OMG, I feel like you are really understanding the work @feduccini!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

my catastrophizing was some kind of victimhood oriented to the future. Now I gotta do the vulnerability work.

I just purchased the ebook version of The Myth of Normal so I can save and quote the best bits. In a reimagining of how he might have responded to the airport pickup incident, Dr Mate says he could have empathized with his wife and recalled the many times he lost track of time when working. In this alternate version he imagines how "I might well notice some disappointed feelings, in which case I allow myself to feel them until they pass; in effect, I choose vulnerability over victimhood."

 

[feduccini]

I just purchased the ebook version of The Myth of Normal so I can save and quote the best bits.

I think I'll buy this one, it looks fantastic.