'Quit Ruminating & Brooding' - a book by psychologist Olle Wadstrom

An expert perspective from survivingnarcissism.co.uk states that going "no contact" with a narcissist is an essential survival strategy because narcissistic abuse causes deep damage that cannot be stopped by love or compassion. No contact means completely cutting ties—blocking all communication channels and avoiding any interaction, as even small cracks can lead to further manipulation and emotional drain. The site emphasises that love and compassion will not stop the narcissist's destructive behaviours, so no contact is vital for reclaiming emotional freedom, peace, and healing from their manipulation and control efforts.

In essence, no amount of love and compassion can change a narcissist's harmful ways; the only effective method is to sever contact entirely to protect oneself from ongoing abuse and manipulation. This is echoed by other expert sources which agree that narcissists seek power and control, and disengaging entirely deprives them of this, making no contact the most effective approach to manage their influence https://www.choosingtherapy.com/no-contact-with-a-narcissist/

Like @Cactusflower, I too have cut off narcissists that were in my life (3 in my case) and I guess I did have some compassion of sorts for their situation because, although narcissistic behaviour is actually not beyond their control, it is difficult to change without significant self-awareness and motivation, and many narcissists struggle to do so because these behaviours are entrenched coping mechanisms rather than purely impulsive acts.

 

I agree that love is the only way to heal. And it has to include, at last, love for yourself.

The weird tricky part about narcissism is it’s pathological. They have a need to feel superior, at your expense. And it’s because they have little or no self esteem. The problem is, they will not and cannot listen to your feelings. It has no impact on them. In fact, it fuels their need to “feed” off of your misery. I guess the reason narcissism is so insidious, is you can’t see what’s happening and they take advantage of your love for them. All you want is for there to be love between you, and they allow it at times and then withdraw it. They smile and hug you, while they stick a blade between your ribs. It’s really a mind game that is not at all obvious. I think that’s why your body responds. It knows before you do.

And the loss of these loved ones, when you realize they will never be able to stop this behavior, is very painful. It’s like you want to pay for keeping the relationship going—at your own expense. I used to think if I only tried harder, they would love me. But it isn’t a relationship. That’s what you have to realize.

Then, comes the conclusion: you have to just let go. Because they want the control of holding you hostage to “feed” off of you. It has taken a lot for me to understand what is happening. But sadly, the boundary, in most instances, is just leaving. Permanently. Or go very low contact—which I tried with my sister. But if not, you’re always waiting for the next shoe to drop and you’re bracing for being abused. And this means you’re in a knot. A big painful TMS knot.

But yes, I love my sister dearly. And my son. And I try to feel love for my daughter-in-law. I feel good in my heart toward them despite it all. I just can’t expose myself to their abuse anymore. And the biggest part, is I have to let myself off the hook. I’m not responsible for any of this turning out so badly. If they’d let me, I’d have a life of fun with them, loving them. But that’s the very sad loss about it. The loss is the hardest part, believe it or not. And learning to stop hating yourself for what they do to you.

 

It's all about frame of mind and not behavior, whether you choose to engage with others or not. Peace of mind is the goal.