Day 33 Question to Ponder: Have you noticed any positive changes in your life since starting this program?

[dgold]

I think I have become more self-aware. Prior to starting the program, I didn't realize just how bad my negative self-talk was. I thought it pretty much occurred at night, on those occasions where I either had trouble falling asleep or had trouble getting back to sleep. Now that I'm more self-aware, I realize my negative self-talk is literally happening all day long, every day. Whenever my mind isn't occupied with a project that I'm actively working on or thinking about, it drifts to negative thoughts and memories from the past. To a lesser extent, I might worry about something that might take place in the future, such as having to be around my family for some reason or other.

While I think the fact that I am now more self aware can probably be considered progress, it hasn't made me feel any better. What I think I really need to work on now is quickly processing the emotions that arise with those negative thoughts and memories and somehow convince my brain that it's time to move on. It seems like a gargantuan task, especially considering how often this occurs and my seemingly endless supply of negative memories. I was hoping that, by addressing many of these unpleasant memories though my journaling, I would finally be able to put these negative thoughts to bed. That doesn't seem to be happening yet and, at this stage in the program, I'll admit I find that a bit frightening. I don't want to live this way - drowning in negative thoughts and suffering with excruciating headaches - the rest of my life.

 

[Lavender_lily]

Im sorry your suffering of headaches, I know how real the pain is and how debilitating pain is.

Something I noticed you wrote was "I really need to work on now is quickly processing the emotions that arise" that sounds like pressure to do it quickly. I know how badly we want it to go away fast, my own pain included but maybe try taking a curious approach to your negative thoughts. We tend to think of negative thoughts as bad but what if you looked at them more neutral, just thoughts, you have bad and good thoughts. I wonder if judging them less would takeaway some of their power. This has helped me to allow those negative thoughts to be there and not be concerned by them. It isn't a solution but it has given me some relief.

 

[dgold]

Excellent feedback, Lavender_lily. I agree, I need to lose the sense of urgency that I have toward my TMS recovery and start taking a gentler approach to processing my thoughts and emotions. I'm now in my last week of the structured education program and, I believe, one of the major themes in some of the more recent lessons is how important it is not to engage in "calendar watching", which creates even more pressure to heal quickly and is counterproductive to the healing process. It's going to take some work but, if I can begin to train my brain to process my "negative" thoughts with more curiosity and neutrality, I think I'll be on the right track. It always helps to hear what's working for others who have had similar experiences. Thank you.