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Parts Therapy Question about parts therapy and TMS

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by blake, Sep 24, 2014.

  1. blake

    blake Well known member

    Hi there,

    I'm reaching out to the IFS experts for an answer to a question I have.
    I"ve done parts therapy in the past with a very compassionate therapist. That was many, many years ago. Amazing how this stuff is coming back to me.

    Here's my issue: I have major abandonment issues and this is how they manifest. I will talk to my mom on the phone, she will say something that makes me feel bad and I immediately get my neck pain. If I take the time to get in touch with the inner child who is hurting and let her cry it out, feel with her and accompany her, my pain immediately goes away. This is now happening in real time on a regular basis. The crying seems to release the physical pain.

    So what does that mean from a TMS perspective? Is the pain my inner child's way of getting my attention? If so, can I prevent the pain cycle? Has anyone else had a similar experience with their inner child?

    Thanks !
  2. njoy

    njoy aka Bugsy

    Hi, Blake: Sounds like the perfect time for some IFS, to me. You can look here to buy Dr. Jay Earley's Self Therapy and the accompanying workbook on Kindle (or the real books). Very good information about IFS and how to start doing it for yourself.

    Otherwise there's lots of stuff on this sub forum. I'll see if I can find you a good link.
    blake likes this.
  3. blake

    blake Well known member

    Thanks Njoy!

    I looked into Dr Earley's approach at the start of my TMS journey, but got sidetracked. Funny how my mind just keeps bringing me back to it though. As I mentioned before, I did what must have been parts therapy some 20 years ago. I read somewhere that there is no such thing as time for the unconscious mind. I think that might be true, since I remember exactly what we did, the different parts we dealt with and how I felt during the sessions. Strange, isn't it?!

    It happened again: just got off the phone with my mom and my neck started to hurt. I am absolutely fascinated by this process and look forward to learning more about it.

    Wish me luck!

  4. njoy

    njoy aka Bugsy

    IFS (and the other parts therapies) are really fun. I love finding out that a part that's doing something I don't really want to do is not actually "me". It's a bit of my personality doing a job it really believes needs doing. I love that if it gets a chance to tell its story and eventually trusts "me" (Self, in IFS language) to take on the job, it is more than happy to let "me" take over the job it has had to do for many years, perhaps. Great stuff! No more need to ever feel alone with a problem. There are lots of helpers in the internal family.

    Hope that makes some sense! I'm going to repost some resources that were helpful to me but it may take awhile.
  5. blake

    blake Well known member

    It makes perfect sense! I like what you say about not feeling alone with a problem. I also find this approach really generates self-acceptance for me. For example, I no longer need to feel ashamed about having distancing behaviour (when my inner child is angry and feeling abandoned), since I know it's one of the protectors trying to do its job. What I like about the Jay Earley Website is that you can do it on your own. The cost seems pretty reasonable too.

    Thanks a bunch for your help, njoy.

    Take care
  6. njoy

    njoy aka Bugsy

    As a volunteer, I did some of the online program when Jay was developing it. It was useful, as was learning from Jay's book Self Therapy.

    Best of all, I joined Karen Locke's IFS group. That has been wonderful for me. We still meet once a week (used to be Thursday but now Sunday evening at 9 p.m. EST). We figure out who wants to be helped, who will be the helper and who will listen. Even listening really helps because we're all human and have similar parts.

    This group is so supportive and free, too. As always, if anyone is interested I'll pm the phone number and access code. It helps to have read a bit about IFS (this thread, for example) but also a great way to learn more.

    To me, the process is similar to facilitating a group of people who disagree at times but want to find common ground. I've even done IFS with friends by just very informally working it into the conversation. That's helped several people including a Chinese friend who isn't yet fluent in English. She totally gets the idea of having parts and talks to them to understand what they are trying to do to help her. She's also really good at going inside and comforting her little kid parts.

    IFS is not rocket science! It's simple, like most great ideas.
  7. blake

    blake Well known member


    I like the idea of the telephone support. I'd like to join in and maybe just listen at first to get a better idea of what it's all about. If I could get the phone number, that would be great.

    Looking forward to it...a bit nervously, but curious as well. :)

  8. njoy

    njoy aka Bugsy

    Natural to be nervous, blake, but really no need. Good peeps. There might be some on the call tomorrow tonight but Karen is away. How about next Sunday? I'll be there and introduce you. then of course you can just listen if you want. I'll pm you the phone number, etc. once I remember how to do that. How hard can it be!?

    Okay, not hard at all. I started a Private Conversation with you.
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2014
  9. blake

    blake Well known member

    Thanks again, njoy.
  10. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Blake, this sounds very helpful from njoy. She'll help you through this.

    Mothers can be hard to communicate or deal with. Mine was. I loved her but she could
    eat me and everyone alive with the attention she wanted. Since I learned about TMS
    I began to understand her better (even some years after she died), and was able to forgive her
    because I realized she had TMS problems of her own from repressed emotions I had nothing to do with.

    Good luck with your mom.
  11. njoy

    njoy aka Bugsy

    Hi, Walt. One thing we know is that kids naturally think they are responsible for a parent's behavior (especially if told they are). Personally, I gave that up when I was nine. Still, being so distant from a parent that you know he or she is the problem doesn't make a kid feel okay. Or an adult, for that matter. That's my experience, anyway.

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