Question about Endometriosis

When I was at the beginning of my teen years, in the midst of a usual 'happy ever after' daydream (I live in a very vivid fantasy world), I was startled out o the daydream by a very sharp and clear message: I would never have children.

It disrupted my story and I tried to brush it away. It wouldn't be brushed. It became part of my life. It also made sense. Why bring a child into this world when there was so much pain?

Shortly after, I began my menstruation. It was fearful (father#3, violent alcoholic) found out, and ... eh, well that is another story. Anyway, all periods became a time of pain, which worsened through the years.

By the time I was in my early 20's, they were crippling. Literally, the crawling-in-the-floor type of pain. When I began seeing my future husband, he was appalled at what happened to me. Over the years, things got worse, bleeding lasted weeks. Fainting became a hazard. Finally, at age 30, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. After a year of 'experimental' drugs and a micro surgery to remove a growth on my right ovary, the new doctor reluctantly performed a hysterectomy and removed the right ovary. She was an advocate for women having children. But it was clear that I would not only be unable, but also very unwilling.

The pain relief was immediate. So much so that I left the hospital early because the surgery pain was so mild compared to the endometriosis pain.

My mother was crushed that I would not be having children. I was relieved. But I had also 'known'.

Could I have created, as a child, this condition? Obviously I couldn't have known what endometriosis was, but did I create a way for my body NOT to have children? If so, how would that explain all the other women who suffer from this condition?

Last note: there was significant scar tissue on my right sciatic nerve, which they left there because of the danger of nicking the nerve. When my IBS gets too strong, it agitates this, causing sciatica pain down my leg. The pain is not TMS, but the IBS is. Another motivation to get my IBS under control.

With gratitude ... ^_^

 

Dearest,
I think it is possible that our unconscious can create this kind of condition. I also had very painful endometriosis that was relieved by a hysterectomy. However, about a year later I developed Fibromyalgia and a few other symptoms--the symptom imperative at work. TMS is only relieved temporarily by surgery. If the need for a distraction from repressed emotions continues to exist, new symptoms will be developed.

I think the more important question is what will you do about it now, today, in this present moment? Yes, journaling is painful and the more painful our repressed emotions, the more gut-wrenchingly difficult it is. It takes great courage to move forward, but focusing on one step at a time and knowing you aren't alone in your journey will surely help.

I'm glad that you are sharing your story on the forum and wish you the best on this healing journey.

 

Lily Rose...wow, what an interesting story you have. Re: scar tissue. I just read in Dr. Schubiner's book that scars should not hurt. It FLOORED me; I had just accepted the pain as part of the pathology of a "keloid" that I developed when I was pregnant. It has been very painful at times and is quite disfiguring. I've been treating it as TMS and I believe the attacks of pain are greatly diminished. I think the scar is settling down after 20 years of feeling stabbed in the chest. (And I'm searching for the symbolism of that, btw.) So anyhoo. Your scar may be TMS too. This really is crazy stuff - th brains creativity in creating distractions!

I'm so glad you're here. This is a great community and with wonderful companionship for the journey to healing.

 

I don't have have the endometriosis pain any more. The surgery really took care of it. I was more curious as to 'knowing' that I wouldn't have children, and being very much in agreement with that concept. I didn't want to bring a child into this world. Absolutely without any doubts at all. Did I open myself for this condition? Possibly. Hereditary? Yes, my mom had it, but obviously she managed to get pregnant (twice actually). She eventually had a hysterectomy when it came back. Or was the condition going to happen anyway, but the lack of pregnancy ability really my own conviction?

Symptom imperative is a new phrase for me. I will have to hunt that one down.

Scars are painful ... in the TMS world. Physical scars and emotional ones.

Stabbed in the chest ... definitely sounds symbolic!

Our world is a strange one, and our minds ... more so.

Even with all the various pains, I do admire the complexities of our bodies and minds.

Thank you both ^_^

 

Whoa! Forest...a tech genius too! You have my awe. Good to know about the search feature.

 

Lily Rose,
The symptom imperative is a term that Dr. Sarno introduced in his books on TMS. It means that if the unconscious brain needs to create a symptom to distract us from our repressed emotions, than even if we resolve one symptom (e.g. through surgery), than the unconscious will just create another symptom somewhere else in the body. So in my case my endometriosis pain was resolved after surgery, but within a year my unconscious had developed fibromyalgia and I was right back with pain that served the same function of distracting me from my repressed emotions.

Have you read any of Dr. Sarno's books? I highly recommend the Mindbody Syndrome as a good place to start.

 

My ex-girlfriend had endometriosis. She had surgery twice, but it didn't really resolve the pain. She finally got it under control with some kind of medicine which basically brought her into menopause. I always blamed the fact that she lived near a highway when she grew up, not the healthiest of places in the early 80's. But I do remember that when something was nearing on the calendar that she didn't like, her pain became worse. She also had some confidence issues that might have been one of the factors in developing it. So although I can't be 100% sure it is a mindbody thing, I am pretty certain it is a factor.

 

Gigalos ... that med that brought her into menopause, I believe that may be similar to what they tried on me. Or something similar. It was supposed to stop my cycle. Instead, the bleeding just kept coming and coming.

The surgery did help me, tremendously. That pain was gone, and remains gone.

The cause may have been TMS, the outcome was a medical situation and was finally treated as such.

The power of our minds is simply staggering. As Forest says ... visualization.

Ellen, I have a tidy list of books to acquire after Christmas. My brother always gets me an Amazon certificate. Thank you for the reminder, though! It is on my Wish List.

^_^

 

Lily Rose,

You possess the instinctive wisdom to answer this question.
The power of the mind is equaled by the power of the body, they are gloriously entwined. One is not pitted against the other. They are best at play, for instance let us muse on the soft/hard flush and pulse of sexual fantasy and how this imaginative act fires the flesh. Visualisations finest hour.

I love Sarno's works and I treasure Forest's commitment and generosity in thrusting them forward, however I do fear that the pendulum swings too far in rejection. A natural tendency and yet, I do not view Sarno as God and I dread the Stepford Wife tangle of responses that speak of dogma not deep healing.

Scars are stronger than skin. They are beautiful and interesting and rich with story. We are meant to feel them, to see them and bear witness to what happened for we are strong enough to do so. As the seasons cycle we realise that there is no failure in listening to our bodies voice. These are rites of passage.
I will take the hurts, the harms, the falls, the caring, the sadness and the shame. I will render loyalty.

 

Plum ... you do see me. We are all smokey mirrors .. but you see beyond that smoke, beyond the reflections.

I do shy away from anything extreme. Truth is somewhere between each extreme point. Truth is also ever-shifting, and ever-unique for each situation.

Do you have any awareness of synesthesia?

You are grace, and I am gratitude ..
^_^

 

Carl Jung once said "truth lies at the point of tension between the opposites".

Not a compromise or vacillation but a settling into the sweet spot of paradox.

Or for the Buddhists:

" When walking just walk. When Sitting just sit, Above all, don't wobble!"