So, I had a thought earlier today...I was out and about in my local town just browsing through shops etc as I'm prone to do when bored and this thought just popped into my head. Now, I've had this thought before and thought about it and analysed it and often considered there is some merit to it but never really acted on it as such. What was interesting today was that when the thought came it seemed to arrive totally out of blue and sort of blindsided me and caught me unawares...what was most interesting was what came with the thought, it was like a little klaxon going off as it arrived which seemed to be saying "this is important, listen to this' with that in mind I wanted some advice. The basic crux of this revolves around my total inability to accept a TMS diagnosis. What happened today was that the thought occurred that the core of this inability is my reluctance (you can probably read fear) to actually allow or even give myself permission to not only accept the diagnosis but more fundamentally to actually start to trust my body and judgement. It's like I feel compelled (obsessed) in monitoring my symptoms and therefore because I feel them it is up to me to act upon them and ensure they are dealt with as swiftly as possible before harm can come to me. I suppose in short it is like the acceptance of TMS will be me letting my guard down and possibly letting my body and very being down. Now, like I say this isn't a new concept to me...I suffer from health anxiety and this way of feeling is probably a common thought to the typical health anxiety type but for whatever reason it just seemed to offer up a huge amount of inner resonance today. I think my situation is muddied and complicated by the fact that a couple of years ago I was convinced my mum was suffering from TMS/anxiety and would explain the concept to her. She didn't have TMS, she had cancer and I recall clearing the house after her death and finding dog eared copies of Healing Back Pain & The Great Pain Deception...I felt guilty but I also felt so sorry for her in that both her son & GP had been convinced she was fundamentally OK when in reality she was gravely ill and within months of death. She had been reading those books as the cancer was killing her and I found and still find this something I often think about and I'm sure this is a huge obstacle to the acceptance for me. I probably follow the path typical of many on here when I have those lucid moments when I convince myself my pain is TMS but these moments are pretty fleeting and short lived...its almost as if the mental resolve and above all STRENGTH that is required to believe this 24/7 is just too much for me. I suppose in some ways this must be due to a failure to have faith in oneself and having the faith to let go of the need to monitor and control and just allow oneself to be. I think that is probably the crux of it...the total inability to allow myself just to be, to be without judgement, without interference, without analysing, without tinkering, without reassurance and yes of course without fear. I'm really not sure if it a normal human trait to be so switched onto your internal self and constantly feeling that as the sailor of the ship you constantly have to be on the lookout for that iceberg of cancer, MS, ALS, heart attacks or whatever other ailment you care to mention...one thing for sure is that it sure is time consuming, stressful and oh terribly distracting from real life. I suppose what I'm asking is just how people learn to self sooth and allow themselves to have faith and belief that things will be alright and that they will recover...I think there must be an element of actually also having the faith and belief that life will be still be good and fruitful and enjoyable even if the pain, TMS, uncertainty and anxiety continues. I'm failing at this and want some thoughts on how I can start winning. Cheers for reading.