Puzzling "Sciatica" Symptoms

[Jim D.]

I have had many TMS symptoms over the years and dealt with them successfully. But the mind is clever and inventive, frequently coming up with a new one. Three nights ago I had sudden severe pain down my right leg; it could not be ignored. Each night it has returned, but only when I am in bed at night--not even when I take a nap earlier in the day in the same bed. I have "challenged" the symptoms by some light workouts in my basement gym, and these have caused no pain. I can do knee bends, squats, with no pain. But it's a different story at night. Last night I had perhaps one hour of sleep before the shooting pain began, and I am a wreck this morning. I have "done the work" and tried to think of what could be causing these sudden and (to me, at least) puzzling episodes.

As I have posted on this forum previously, I am a chocolatier, which is, of course, an occupation that almost requires an OCD kind of personality. I am overly sensitive to what people (including customers) think of me, and I crave approval. One of my long-term customers has been a restaurant, which offers a "trio" of my chocolates as one dessert option. This has been a connection that means a lot to me, even though, with the wholesale prices I offer, I make no money from this arrangement. The chocolates have been a success, and the restaurant has been selling 16 servings over a one- or two-week period of time. Keeping a supply in stock means that this customer requires that I increase the size of each batch I make. About eight months ago the restaurant hired a new chef. She likes to make desserts, and the restaurant is now offering a few more desserts than previously, but I was assured she still wants the chocolates on the menu. All desserts were priced roughly the same, and the chocolates continued to sell, although a bit more slowly. I expected and accepted that situation. Recently, however, the restaurant increased the price of the chocolate option so that it is now $4 higher than the other desserts. It is easy to guess what happened. When I asked the general manager why the price had been increased so dramatically, she assured me "your chocolates are worth it." Sales indicate otherwise. So these days the restaurant rarely orders from me, and when they do, the chocolates take a long time to sell--which, from a practical point of view, is not good for the quality of the product. It was impossible for me to ignore the strong possibility that the price of the chocolates was increased deliberately to make them less attractive; after all, who is going to pay $14 for three chocolates when they can have a slice of Basque cheesecake for $10? I have a tendency to run away from problems rather than have a confrontation, but in this case I tried to make the case to the GM that the price increase was having a negative impact on sales but had no success. So finally, after much thought (probably too much thought, but that is to be expected from me), I emailed the general manager stating that I would no longer be selling the chocolates to the restaurant. I did not leave them in the lurch; the email was after a big delivery. So far I have not had a response. But I feel certain my body has responded with my new symptoms, which began two days before I finally sent the email.

I feel good about the decision I made. I have another restaurant customer where the chocolates are selling faster than I can make them, so I know it wasn't the product that was the issue. I have plenty of retail customers, who pay a higher price that allows me to make a small profit (I am retired, so this business is really more of a hobby). But there is no question that this seven-year arrangement with the first restaurant meant a lot to me, probably much more than I thought. Clearly my brain was not happy with the decision to stop, or at least part of my brain.

I would appreciate any guidance in getting through this episode that I am virtually certain is TMS but that is disrupting my life to an extraordinary degree.

 

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

Each night it has returned, but only when I am in bed at night--not even when I take a nap earlier in the day in the same bed. I have "challenged" the symptoms by some light workouts in my basement gym, and these have caused no pain. I can do knee bends, squats, with no pain. But it's a different story at night. Last night I had perhaps one hour of sleep before the shooting pain began, and I am a wreck this morning. I have "done the work" and tried to think of what could be causing these sudden and (to me, at least) puzzling episodes.

Hi Jim - this is very interesting. It's a good TMS indicator (you know it's not the bed either because the naps are fine). What I'd look for here is a fear of the morning (does the morning present the start of all the days responsibilities + work that is making you stressed) based on life right now, but even deeper perhaps a link from the past that would explain this (I'm making this up - but maybe someone had a very harsh parent when it came to bed time and were punished for not adhering to that, so anxiety naturally rises in memory of that the later it gets in the night) - it might sound a little out there, but our nervous system remembers these sorts of things.

I think your overall stress assessment is very good - and that itself could explain the nighttime symptoms if it's purely because work stress is right around the corner in the morning.

Ps: I like you already because of your occupation!

 

[BloodMoon]

Hi @Jim D.,

It sounds as though your brain may be reacting to far more than simply ending the arrangement. In Sarno’s terms, there may be rage beneath the symptoms—anger about how you were treated, hurt that your concerns were dismissed, disappointment at losing a seven-year relationship, and the painful fact that your email has received no reply as yet (and the possibility that you might not receive the courtesy of a reply).

You cared deeply about this restaurant and valued its approval, even though the arrangement was no longer practical. You tried to address the pricing issue reasonably, but felt ignored and eventually had to walk away. Although you know the decision was right, another part of you may still feel rejected, unappreciated and angry.

Dr Howard Schubiner has also said that symptoms can sometimes be symbolic—the brain’s way of communicating a message, although this is not true of every symptom. I wonder whether the leg pain could be something for you to explore symbolically: it began around the time you were preparing to “walk away”, and perhaps some part of you is wanting to kick back against the situation. The fact that it appears in the small hours may also be relevant—not because the body is damaged, but because your brain then has a long, quiet stretch in which it processes the day’s unresolved events and feelings (which would not be the case when you nap during the day).

Journaling may help you acknowledge and express those feelings honestly and fully. Write whatever comes into your head without trying to be proportionate, rational or reassuring: “I am angry about how I was treated. I am hurt that nobody responded. I am grieving the loss of this relationship, even though leaving was the right decision.” You could also write an unsent letter to the general manager expressing the anger, hurt, disappointment and resentment. It need not be sent; its purpose is to let your brain know that these emotions have been recognised rather than suppressed.

You might then remind yourself: “My anger and hurt are real, but I am safe. The pain is not evidence of damage, and I do not need to fear it.”

 

[Jim D.]

@Adam Coloretti (coach) and @BloodMoon, I cannot tell you how much your replies mean to me as I wake up this morning. After my first post in this thread I heard from the restaurant's GM. She totally ignored the criticism I had expressed in my "resignation letter," namely, about the price increase bringing about the drop in sales. As a true practitioner of the hospitality business, she praised the chocolates, said how much they have meant to the restaurant, wished me well, and said (this is hilarious to me) that she would be a customer herself--hilarious because she has never bought any chocolates from me, and almost certainly never well (over the years I took hundreds of leftover chocolates to the restaurant staff). When the owners of the place ordered some boxes as Christmas gifts, the GM hoped to get one, she did not, so I gave her one myself. She thanked me in a completely offhand way, and I never heard another word about the gift. In her recent email I noted that she said she had forwarded my message to her to the restaurant owners, but, in the case of the chef, who is probably the person responsible for the price change, the GM said she would "inform" the chef that the last chocolate delivery will be the last, so the chef will not see my implied criticism.

"I am grieving the loss of this relationship, even though leaving was the right decision.” That sums up the situation quite well. I do recognize the causes of rage (I try to be a Sarno purist and do not deny the existence of rage in me). The final cause of rage: all the GM had to do was offer to lower the menu price of my chocolates, and I would have resumed deliveries. As BloodMoon pointed out, there is anger and hurt within me, and as I read your messages, I actually cried (an emotional response that two therapists tried without success to arouse in me over the years). Last night, a few hours after the GM's non-response arrived, I went to bed with great trepidation. I got some sleep before I felt the "sciatica" start. I fought it, got up and walked around, went back to sleep, but it got worse. I am trying to be patient. I kept recalling a terrible episode of "carpal tunnel syndrome" during the preparation of Christmas chocolates one year. I got the chocolates done, and, in spite of all recommendations of surgery, waited while the pain transferred to the opposite arm and then disappeared completely with no intervention whatever.

Many thanks to both of you for writing so thoughtfully and so helpfully.

 

[BloodMoon]

I fought it, got up and walked around, went back to sleep, but it got worse. I am trying to be patient.

I wonder if it might be worth trying something along the lines of what I did...

A few years ago I suddenly got severe pain in one very intense spot in my right thigh. It hurt all the time, and moving my leg even a fraction of an inch sent the pain through the roof. I was bedridden with it, but resting didn't help; it was just that being in bed was better than trying to weight-bear and move around. I couldn't sleep at all.

But I learned during that extremely trying time that the way to cope was to face the pain straight on, rather than mentally running away from it. I couldn't challenge the symptom at all by walking around—it was nigh on impossible due to how excruciating the pain was. So instead I put my attention on it (visualizing the area and the extent of it, describing to myself what the quality of the pain was like—in this case mostly razor sharp, noticing when it varied, etc.,) whilst breathing into it. By that I mean that I repeatedly visualized my out-breaths going/blowing into it and my in-breaths coming/blowing out of it.

And, miraculously, that allowed me to sleep. I slept for a while and then woke up with the pain, so I had to repeat the process, meaning it was far from perfect, but the main thing was that I actually got some sleep and I had a way of getting back off to sleep. Very gradually the pain lessened and eventually it went away. It was TMS.

She thanked me in a completely offhand way, and I never heard another word about the gift. In her recent email I noted that she said she had forwarded my message to her to the restaurant owners, but, in the case of the chef, who is probably the person responsible for the price change, the GM said she would "inform" the chef that the last chocolate delivery will be the last, so the chef will not see my implied criticism.

What an £$%^&*@!!! I was annoyed for you just reading about her attitude and behaviour! (And very annoying that the chef will not see your message!) To get the sting and hurt of all this out of your system you could perhaps "blow them up or kill them with carrots"—see the following forum postings for the explanation of this (the remedy doesn't have to be at all proportionate or measured and it may even be more effective if it isn't!): http://tmswiki.org/forum/threads/blow-them-up-or-kill-them-with-carrots.27833/ (BLOW THEM UP or KILL THEM WITH CARROTS) It proves to your brain that it is safe to feel and express your rage because you have ways of doing so without getting yourself into any trouble or danger.

 

[Jim D.]

I wonder if it might be worth trying something along the lines of what I did...

A few years ago I suddenly got severe pain in one very intense spot in my right thigh. It hurt all the time, and moving my leg even a fraction of an inch sent the pain through the roof. I was bedridden with it, but resting didn't help; it was just that being in bed was better than trying to weight-bear and move around. I couldn't sleep at all.

But I learned during that extremely trying time that the way to cope was to face the pain straight on, rather than mentally running away from it. I couldn't challenge the symptom at all by walking around—it was nigh on impossible due to how excruciating the pain was. So instead I put my attention on it (visualizing the area and the extent of it, describing to myself what the quality of the pain was like—in this case mostly razor sharp, noticing when it varied, etc.,) whilst breathing into it. By that I mean that I repeatedly visualized my out-breaths going/blowing into it and my in-breaths coming/blowing out of it.

And, miraculously, that allowed me to sleep. I slept for a while and then woke up with the pain, so I had to repeat the process, meaning it was far from perfect, but the main thing was that I actually got some sleep and I had a way of getting back off to sleep. Very gradually the pain lessened and eventually it went away. It was TMS.



What an £$%^&*@!!! I was annoyed for you just reading about her attitude and behaviour! (And very annoying that the chef will not see your message!) To get the sting and hurt of all this out of your system you could perhaps "blow them up or kill them with carrots"—see the following forum postings for the explanation of this (the remedy doesn't have to be at all proportionate or measured and it may even be more effective if it isn't!): http://tmswiki.org/forum/threads/blow-them-up-or-kill-them-with-carrots.27833/ (BLOW THEM UP or KILL THEM WITH CARROTS) It proves to your brain that it is safe to feel and express your rage because you have ways of doing so without getting yourself into any trouble or danger.

Thanks for those suggestions. If the pain returns tonight, I will try your method. Being deprived of sleep is torture (I guess that's why it is a favorite technique of torturers!).

Most helpful has been your insight: "You tried to address the pricing issue reasonably, but felt ignored and eventually had to walk away. Although you know the decision was right, another part of you may still feel rejected, unappreciated and angry." So true.